omnia causa fiunt
(Oh sweet bejeebus. Ok, hold on…. Go.)
Is it possible to love too much?
(I… wow. This is gonna be a good one.)
Think about that for a second. Is it
possible to love someone too much? And at what point does it become too much? Ask
anyone how they want to be loved and I'd wager that the vast majority would
answer with something along the lines of "unconditionally," or "fully,
completely."
(Great Tragically Hip song, by the way.)
You're really catching on. Gold star.
Anyway, is it possible to love to that extent though, without loving too much? I guess it all depends on how
you define those other words. Unconditionally. Fully. Completely. I suppose to
love someone unconditionally means that you accept them for all that they are,
with all their faults, without judgment. The same goes for fully and
completely. BUT… and there's always a but… is it truly unconditional, full and
complete?
I for one have been a victim to my own
shortcomings when it comes to love. I firmly believe I've taken my love too
far. I've obsessed. I've smothered. I've overwhelmed. And do you know why?
Because I wasn't able to understand what unconditional love was. For me, my
love was conditioned, whether I realized it at the time or not, upon what I felt, what I needed. I wasn't able to escape myself long enough to realize
that my love was in fact conditioned by my own condition, and that because of
that perhaps my love wasn't as full or complete as it could have been.
But then again… this begs another
question: Was I not loved unconditionally because whomever I was with wasn't
able to accept my faults and missteps?
(Whoa. I… your making my head hurt
again. But in a good way this time, I think.)
Right? There has to be a balance. I am
who I am. I love the way I love. I shouldn't be ashamed of it, nor should I
feel guilty about it. Love is an emotion, and while it can to some extent be
controlled, it cannot be contained. It's an energy, and what has happened every
time in history when man attempts to contain energy? Of course, it can be controlled, but
inevitably that energy finds a way to release itself. Whether it's a forest
fire, a lightning strike, a power plant meltdown, or even a scream of pain, energy
finds a way to be free. So too does love, and so too must love.
(I so want to make a snarky comment, but
I just can't. You're actually being deeply thoughtful and rational. Stop that.)
Don't worry, it will pass. But let's
take it a step further – Do you regret having loved the way you might have
loved someone?
(Hang on, now. That's a dangerously
loaded question.)
It is, isn't it? But my answer is no, I
do not. I've said many times that everything happens for a reason, and those
I've loved I've loved for reasons, whether or not those reasons are known to
me. My love for others has led me to be who I am, and frankly I've grown to be
quite satisfied with who I have become. It's taken me some time to get to this
point, yet here I am. That's not to say I don't have regret – we all have
regret. For me, it's not so much regret of having loved, but of not heeding the
signs, not listening a little more closely to that whisper deep inside of me,
not paying just a bit more attention. Had I done so my life likely would have
turned out very differently.
Now, last questions – Is it too late to
love the way you were meant to love? Has time passed by so quickly that the
years have erased the evidence of the path upon which you're meant to travel? Or
do you just have to look a little more closely to find the stones beneath your
feet? Having the desire to love being a part of me as much as the lungs that
heave with deep, anticipating breathes in my chest, I must believe that the
spectre of time hasn't come for my heart quite yet. I've more to give. I will
always have more to give.
omnia causa fiunt.
Everything happens for a reason. I happen. My love
happens. My heart happens. And there
is, most certainly, a reason.
(I am going to need to read this again and really think about all this.)
I hope you do. I truly hope you
do.
© J.J. Goodman 2014. All
rights reserved.