25 Things You Needn't Not Know You're Not Knowing

So, I am operating on about two hours of sleep and three cups of coffee right now.
 
(Oh. Bloody. Cripes.)
 
Oh, you have no idea.
 
(I'm about to, though, aren't I?)
 
You're a lot smarter than you look.
 
(Well, I'm you, so….)
 
I… dammit. Good point. And, sadly, true. I [you? we?] am/are a lot smarter than I look. But that's not the point. The point is that on a "lack of sleep plus copious amounts of caffeine" scale of one to WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, well, guess which end of the spectrum I'm currently traipsing on?
 
(Gee, I wonder.)
 
*snicker* Yes, that's right folks, it's time for another delirium-induced list of random "facts."
 
1.         The Parenthetical Heckler was born on these pages on Tuesday, April 9, 2013.
 
2.         The New York Rangers' win last night assured that these Stanley Cup Playoffs will set a record for the most cumulative playoff games played in one playoff season in NHL History.
 
3.         I have four tattoos.
 
(HEY! Wait a minute! We missed my birthday? No cake? WTF!!!)
 
4.         I am going to ignore that comment.
 
6.         Some of you are now thinking that because I stated that I was ignoring that comment, I was in fact acknowledging that comment and not ignoring it at all, thus I am lying in the preceding paragraph.
 
7.         This distance between your chin and your belly button is the same as the distance between your elbow and the tip of your middle finger.
 
8.         Much the same way Champagne only comes from the Champagne region of France and everything else is sparking whine, Scotch only comes from Scotland and all the rest is whiskey.
 
9.         Those with OCD have already notice that, once again, I've messed with the numbering and are both cursing me and questioning why I do this too them.
 
10.       The yardage in American football advances in ten yard increments such that the field is 120 yards long, including the end zones.
 
11.       I have owned eleven different vehicles in my life, in this order: Pontiac, Oldsmobile, Dodge, Chrysler, Jeep, Ford, Volvo, Volvo, BMW, Jeep, Jeep.
 
5.         Here is number 5.
 
12.       Several of you are still trying to measure the distance from your chin to your belly button, and are now cursing the fact that you've fallen for my body measurement shennaniganery. Again.
 
(Dammit!!!)
 
13.       Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.
 
14.       Former Detroit Red Wing Brendan Shanahan, who is now President of Hockey Operations for the Toronto Maple Leafs, wore the number 14 for the entire duration of his Red Wing career.
 
15.       June 15th is Father's day.
 
16.       I have never owned a xylophone.
 
17.       With the use of the word xylophone in the preceding paragraph, I have utilized every single letter of the alphabet in this post.
 
18.       Eighteen is the legal age at which you can enter the military, buy cigarettes and vote in this country.
 
19.       I've said it before and will say it again: Steve Yzerman – Best. NHL. Captain. Ever.
 
2O.      There is grammatically incorrect use of a word in an odd numbered paragraph above.
 
21.       Those with OCD are again cursing me as they are now going back to find the incorrect word usage and/or cursing themselves if they didn't catch it the first time around.
 
X.        Chi is the 22nd letter of the Greek alphabet.  
 
23.       Astute readers are still trying to figure out what's wrong with the number 20.
 
(I hate you.)
 
24.       I have never watched a single episode of this TV show. 
 
(I still want cake.)
 
25.       I was born on Christmas in July. Think about it.
 
And there you have it folks. I'm done now. I think I sprained my cranium. Have a wonderful day, and I hope you at least chuckled a little bit. Because laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have bronchitis, or an eye infection, in which case I'd recommend some antibiotics. Your call.
 
 
© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.