A Buick By Any Other Name... Is Still A Buick.
In the past twenty-four hours I have seen two things that have destroyed my faith in both the auto industry and the screeners at the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles in charge of issuing personalized license plates. And you guys already know how I feel about dopey, personalized license plates… so let’s start there.
While walking through the parking lot the other day I happened upon a candy-apple red Buick Enclave with a personalized license plate that read (and in the immortal words of that sage scrivener Dave Barry, I swear I am not making this up) “___s 4x4.” (Note: the three letter name has been removed not to protect the twit possessing said license plate, but to protect yours truly from getting sued.)
Ok, where to begin… First: It’s. A. BUICK. The terms “Buick” and “4x4” should never, ever, be muttered in the same breath unless the sentence goes thusly: “I traded my Buick for a 4x4.” No, dear driver, an Enclave is not by any stretch of the imagination a 4x4. An Enclave is a grocery-getter. An Enclave is a station wagon on steroids. An Enclave is a very nice vehicle, comfortable, accommodating, and technologically loaded. If someone were to give me an Enclave, I would drive it…. but I would never pretend it was anything other than what it is.
Enclaves are all-wheel drive, designed for the every-day driver who might maybe perhaps occasionally encounter poor driving conditions on paved roads. It is designed for comfort and safety. My only explanation for the placement of this license plate on this vehicle is that the driver, a formerly robust personality who drove a 1987 CJ-7 with oversized tires and a snorkel (If you don’t understand what I’m talking about… you might drive an Enclave. HAHAHAHA…hahaha… ha… *ahem* Sorry…), was forced to get rid of the 4x4 in favor of a more practical, family-friendly vehicle, and this is that person’s means of vainly attempting to hold on to their robustnessness.
Check that – I have another explanation. Perhaps I shouldn’t lose faith in the DMV screeners. Perhaps this was their way of having a little fun in their otherwise painful work day full of nitwits standing in the wrong line and not having the proper paperwork. Perhaps this is their way of saying “I may have to deal with annoying people all day, but that person is going to be made fun of no matter where they go, and that makes my heart tingle.” In any event, a 4x4 is a distinctive, rugged, versatile, powerful, not in any way elegant veh… OH SWEET BEJEEBUS!!!!! Jeep!!!! What have you done???
(This brings us to our “lack of faith in the auto industry” portion of our show….)
Today Jeep revealed the new 2014 “Cherokee.” I utilize quotation marks here because whatever that… thing Jeep is purporting to call a “Cherokee” is by no stretch of the imagination a “Cherokee.” That is a sell-out, Mazda CX-7, Kia Sorrento, Lexus something or other, carbon copy, overly rounded, rolling monstrosity not worthy of the Jeep emblem. It’s another, cookie-cutter grocery-getter with no individuality. Aside from the seven-slotted grill, the vehicle bears no resemblance to the Jeep brand whatsoever. No round or square headlights? Seriously? *shaking my head* Same thing goes for the new Grand Cherokees as well. I was initially excited when the 2005 model year was revealed. Jeep had redesigned the body of the Grand Cherokee to include the boxier, more rugged, squared-off styling that made Jeep great. It was a sharp, mean looking ride, they way a Jeep should be…. A pity it didn’t last, as the latest version could easily be mistaken for the new Ford Explorers. So, so terribly disappointed, Jeep. Go sit in the box and feel shame. (Writer’s Note: For this Cherokee purist, the first iteration of the Liberty
A Ram pick-up is a 4x4. A Ford F-250? That’s a 4x4. An older Jeep Cherokee or Wrangler, of any year or model, is a 4x4. See a pattern here? Tough. Rugged. Can drive over Minis and Fiats without ever getting out of second gear. Standing water? Ha! Pot holes? Ha ha!! Mud? The 4x4 wears it as a badge of honor. That last parking space in the lot that’s half covered with dirty snow? Yeah, I’m parking there. Because I can. Let’s see you do that, Enclave.
So, what’s the moral of this story? There are several:
- A Buick is not, nor ever will be a “4x4.” One should not pretend that it is. It’s not. Not, not, not, not, not. It’s a BUICK.
- Jeep needs to get its design teams’ heads out of their collective, mini-van minded arses and get back to what made Jeeps great in the first place: Ruggedness. Toughness. Meanness. The ability to drive over/through big/deep/rocky/ugly sh*t and keep going. Design that inspires you to drive on
- Since I started writing this I have officially changed my position about the DMV screeners, and have determined that they do, in fact, kind of rock. If someone is foolish enough to display their nitwittery on their license plates, then I thank thee, dear DMV clerk, for the fleeting moment of entertainment we experience in making fun of others who dare to display such absurdity.
- I like peanut butter cookies. (What does that have to do with 4x4’s? Absolutely nothing. I just want a peanut butter cookie right now.)
I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson here. “4x4” is a time-honored designation reserved only for those modes of transportation capable of: taking you through snow and mud; driving over mountains; tearing through swamps; cruising beaches; and yes, even the occasional trip to the grocery store. Respect it. Drive it. Love it.
Buick Enclave… seriously. *sigh*
© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.