You Know What They Say....
They say you should expect the unexpected. Ok, sure. Wait…. No! I have a few questions to ask first. Numero Uno: Who are “they” and, numero uno, subnumero little a: Why should I listen to what “they” say in the first place? I’m picturing a bunch of skinny white men wearing white, short-sleeve dress shirts, skinny black ties and horn-rimmed glasses, all of whom have been locked in a fallout shelter beneath some government building since 1963. Their sole purpose in life is to “say” things. Imagine the scene:
[Scene: Dingy basement conference room with long, formica-topped table worn with time occupying the room’s center. Around it are seated the “They-Sayers,” silently. The air is filled with stale cigarette smoke. Suddenly, They-Sayer Six speaks.]
They-Sayer Six: “I got it! You should expect the unexpected.”
Other They-Sayers: “Ooooooo, that’s a good one.”
They-Sayer Eleven: “Wait, who is ‘you’ anyway?”
[Other They-Sayers look around nervously.]
They-Sayer Six: (Stumbles and mumbles before exclaiming emphatically) “You know, them!”
Other They-Sayers: “Yes! Yes! Them! That’s who!”
They-Sayer Eleven: “Stop that! That makes no sense! We need to say who AAAAAYYYYYEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”
[Trap door opens beneath They-Sayer Eleven’s chair, causing They-Sayer Eleven to plummet to certain doom. End scene.]
(You’re all picturing it, aren’t you? Admit it, it’s ok. Now, where were we….)
So after the They-Sayers brutally silence the voice of dissention, we are left with the question of why we should listen to them. Will they drop us down a hole? Is it simply the fear of being dropped down a hole that makes “us” listen to “them” like lemmings? (Incidentally, I made a hole at the beach once. It was deep and I sat in it. With a snorkel. Long story.) I say we stand up to the They-Sayers!! I say we fight! I say… wait, does my saying make me a They-Sayer? Um… er…. In that case I say we give the They-Sayers cupcakes. And bacon. Cupcakes with bacon on them. Mmmmm bacon cupcakes….
Ok, now that we’ve established who “they” are (They-Sayers) and why we should listen to them (they will drop you down a hole), we turn to the next question at hand: How, exactly, does one expect the unexpected?
*pauses while readers ponder*
As long as you’re already pondering, ponder this: How does one expect the unexpected when, by definition, the unexpected is that which cannot be expected, thus precluding the possibility of expecting it since it is, by its very nature, unable to be expected, thus creating the unexpectedness which cannot, in fact, be expected?
*pauses again while readers’ heads explode and/or they sift through their flashcards to decide which of the “Is he on/off his meds, did he overdose and/or accidentally take the dog’s heartworm medication (again), how much sleep did/didn’t he get last night, and/or seriously wtf is wrong with him” questions they will inevitably ask in hypothetical parenthetical query. Heh heh. I said “they.” And “hypothetical parenthetical.”*
Seriously, how can you possibly expect the unexpected? If someone knows, please tell me. Because I have had a lot of unexpected events befall me lately. Some good, some bad, some that would have been much more enjoyable with a partner. (Get your minds out of the gutter, perverts. I meant… no, ok, that’s what I meant.) It is the unexpected that shapes our lives much more so than the expected. Ask anyone who saw a little blue plus sign instead of a little red minus sign when they didn’t anticipate having to look at either. Ask the guy who got rear ended (Minds. Out. Of. Gutter.) at a stop sign, causing him to drop a heaping mound of his “for a limited time only” Cold Stone Creamery Oreo Cookie Filling ice cream into his lap. (Incidentally: 1) that sh*t is the BOMB; and b) that sh*t is (insert string of Samuel L. Jackson expletives here) cold when you’re wearing exercise shorts. I heard.)
I think the more appropriate phrase would be “Expect that which you least expect.” That way you’re already expecting. (Seriously, people. Is it all about sex with you??? Don’t answer that. I already know.) That way you can anticipate that which, however improbable, is theoretically possible. They said that, so you better believe them, or it’s the hole for you.
(Side note: NO, I am not off my meds. NO I did not take the dog’s heartworm medication (although that stuff tastes like all natural peanut butter… I heard). NO, I did not sleep last night, and yes, there is something very wrong with me. If you haven’t figured that out by now you haven’t been paying attention. Be the ball. Go in the hole.
*props to Happy Gilmore*
Now, what have we learned today, class? Say it with me: believe what they say or you’ll go in the hole, and expect that which you least expect because it might just be unexpected expectedness.
(Seriously dude, try melatonin or something.)
Ok, fine. Besides, you know what they say about getting a good night’s sleep….
(And if you don’t, I know you’ll now be awake all night long ponderously pondering what they say so you don’t have to go in the hole. And no Googling. That’s cheating. If you need a distraction, text me. I’ll be up thinking of more stuff to say.)