Irritants, Annoyances, and General Pet-Peevery
I haven’t ranted in a while. Ok, I have, but not to you guys. In any event, I figured enough time has passed that we can discuss a little pet peevery again. Some of this I may have written about already, but let’s face it: If I don’t remember writing it, chances are that you don’t remember reading it, either. So it’s a win-win, really. And if you do remember me writing something about the thing I’m going to write about because I wrote it and you read it before, just read what I’m writing and don’t say you read what I wrote. Got it?
(Jim’s off his meds again….)
Shut it, you, imaginary parenthetical heckler. I have writing to do.
What irritates me? Annoys me? Generally falls into my cranial subfolder of pet peevery? (It’s a word, because I say so. And I’m rubber and you’re glue, so….) Lots of things. And I’ll bet dollars to donuts (what does that really mean, anyway? I give you dollars if you give me donuts? That’s my weekday morning. Mmmmm… Tim Horton’s…. what was I saying?) Right. I will bet you that nine out of ten of you find these things annoying as well. The tenth one of you is probably the culprit, in which case I will, by the end of this blog post, have decided your irrational and disproportionate punishment.
And away we go:
1. “Rain Sensing” Windshield Wipers. Why? Just… why? My vehicle is equipped with a windshield wiper switch that allows me to spray my windshield with washer fluid (of which, incidentally, there is no known formula to even remotely remove whatever the hell hit my windshield this morning. I’m pretty sure it was Mothra. I wasn’t sticking around to see if Godzilla was in the vicinity. And you know you just read that as “Godzirra” in a fake Japanese accent and giggled. You silly racist b*stards.); an “intermittent“ setting (there’s a reason for the quotation marks); low, and high. Begging the question: What is the purpose of the intermittent setting when they are just going to “sense” what to do and do it anyway? Look, I don’t need Kreskin the Windshield Wiper. I set my wipers at a certain speed because that’s what I wanted, and what works for me, my driving, and my eyes. Upidstay echnology-teh.
2. Open-Mouth Chewing. Let me ‘splain somethin to you, Lucy – God gave you lips for a reason. (Note to perverted readers: NOT THAT! Or THAT…) Lips are basically flesh-gaskets, designed for the purposes of sealing together to keep yucky stuff out (like dirt, insects, and anything related to a “cleanse diet”) and to keep other stuff IN. Like, say, food, chewing gum, and stupidity. Seriously people, unless you’re Mr. Ed, chew with your mouth closed. I should not be able to hear you noshing your quarter pounder from three booths away. (Of course, I shouldn’t be in a fast food joint, either, but sometimes you just get those cravings. And no, I’m not pregnant. I just wanted a cheeseburger, dammit! Don’t judge me.)
[Editor’s Note: the use of parenthesis will run rampant in this post. FYI. JSYK. LOL OMG.]
3. Jeep Wrangler Drivers that Don’t Wave. Jeepers will understand what I’m talking about. There is an unwritten code that says if, while operating your Jeep Wrangler (of any configuration, mind you), you pass another Jeep Wrangler, you are obligated to throw out to the other driver a peace sign, wave, or other similar acknowledgement of their Jeepy camaraderie-ness. By and large most Wranglerites will do the wave. However, there are those that will not, and for those of you who do not, please drive to the nearest dealer and trade in your Wrangler for a Buick Enclave, because you, YOU, non-waver, are not Jeep-worthy.
Those drivers are easily identifiable. First, if you see a Jeep that has color-matched fender flares and/or a color matched roof, the odds of them waving back are about the same as the odds of Keanu Reeves ever winning an Oscar. Color matched? No. Just, no. I’ve also noticed that many drivers of the new four-door Wrangler Unlimited fail to wave. You know why? Because a lot of them are suburbanites that bought a “Jeep” to look “rugged” when in fact the only trail their trail-rated 4x4 will ever see is the wine trail on which Chip takes Buffy in the hopes of getting a little somethin somethin. (Note: Chip will most decidedly not get anything, because Buffy will be so drunk by the end of the tour he will have to carry her drunken, sack-o-potatoes self to the bed when they get home. Maybe he’ll get lucky and accidentally cop a feel as he drags Buffy's unconscious carcass up the stairs. Oh, and Chip? Good luck explaining the bruises she received when you dropped her on the landing.) If you fall into that category, go buy the sparkly Range Rover that Buffy really wanted in the first place and stop diluting the Jeeping population.
4. People that Complain All the Time. I mean seriously, people are always whining and then writing about it in… their… blogs… *ahem* We’ll just skip this one….
5. Litterers. People who poison our environment with garbage. More specifically, cigarette butt flingers, non-pooper scoopers, and anyone who listens to Justin Bieber in public at a volume which can be heard by any other living being. (What? Noise pollution is still pollution….) The world is not your ashtray, nor is it your pet’s lavatory. And for the love of sweet bejeebus isn’t that little twit’s fifteen minutes of fame up yet???
That should do it for now. SO, the morals of theses stories are:
A. If you’re a windshield wiper, have less sense and more sensibility;
B. Shut yer pie hole;
C. Jeep, or no Jeep. There is no try;
D. “Lighten up, Francis;” and
E. If you don’t want to deal with your garbage then guess what, Sparky, neither do we. And as far as Beiber goes… Just don’t. There’s no reason for that. Just like there’s no reason for fat, hairy men wearing speedos. No one needs to experience that.
Now… back to the irrational and disproportionate punishment for the tenth out of ten people who does all this crap – Gigli. On a loop. You’ve been warned.
© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.