'Tis the Season for Halloweenin'

What did the boy ghost say to compliment the girl ghost?

(Of for the love of… I can't believe I'm going to play along with this. What did he say?)

You're bootiful! 

(*smacks head*)

Aww come on! That was funny and cute. You can even share it with your kids.

(Punchy today, are we?)

A little bit, yeah. I even slept well last night, too. I don't know. It just popped in my head. Probably because we're seeing Halloween paraphernalia everywhere… and will continue to see it everywhere for the next couple of weeks.  As we approach All Hallow's Eve, I thought it'd be fun to discuss some of my favorite aspects of the holiday. Because why not?

(Do we get candy out of this at least?)

Nice lead-in! First and foremost, there's the candy. Little, individually wrapped, diabetic-ly devilish, excitability-enhancing morsels of sugary goodness. For free!!! Or, as I like to call it, $12.99 for a six pound bag at BJ's, only half of which will ever make it into the neighborhood children's goodie bags, baskets and sacks. Sorry kid, you're getting the Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, and maybe the milk chocolate. The dark chocolate and peanut butter cups are mine and if one of them happens to find its way into the candy bowl be prepared for me to go all Freddy Kruger on your grubby little mitts if you find it.

(Um, maybe you shouldn't hand out candy….)

Nah. It's all good. I just buy the stuff I won't eat and give that away.

(Wait, you're the guy that gives away stuff like those little sesame sticks and Bits-o-Honey, aren't you?)

Maybe. Who's askin? Anywhoo…. I fully admit that I will take advantage of the sales to stock my own culinary coffers with the likes of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Baby Ruth bars, those little packs of Sour Patch Kids, and of course, Nerds. 

(Nerds? Seriously, what are you, five?)

Nerds rock and you know it. Come on, who among you hasn't taken one of those tiny little boxes, pulled it open, and dumped the entire contents of little, sugary stones onto your tongue?

(I, um, er… dammit. Touché, pussycat.)

Next up… being scared. Now I know, some people don't like to be scared. Notwithstanding, I think everybody secretly likes to be a little scared at Halloween. I'm one of those people. Never a fan of horror movies and the like, I nevertheless find myself drawn towards the creepy and the kooky, mysterious and spooky around Halloween time.

(Their altogether ooky, the Addam…. Seriously. I fall for your earworming… Every. Time.)

It's my gift, to you. I mean it though – Ask me any other time of the year to go to a horror or scary movie and I will in no uncertain terms inform you of my deep seated anti-desire to do so. Show me a commercial for the movie Annabelle two weeks before Halloween… I might be persuaded. I don't know I do this. Well, I do in this case, because I have actually seen Lorraine Warren speak and heard the story of the real Annabelle first hand. And it scared the bejeebus out of me… But I heard it from Lorraine Warren, so it's cool, right? 

(Your logic escapes me some… most of the time.)

I know. I don't get it either. Wanna go see the new Ouija movie?

(Sweet potatoes, NO!)

Sweet potatoes?

(I don't know where that came from. Still not going to see Ouija.) 

Ok then… Party pooper. Oh, parties! Inevitably one of your friends, or you if you're that friend, will host a costume party for Halloween. I'm kind of on the fence on this one. I was never really a costume party kinda guy, mainly because I can't afford Stormtrooper armor. If I could, I'd be all over the party scene like white on rice. But I can't afford it so… One year though, I was Bob Ross, and it was awesome. I had a brown bushy wig, wore a denim shirt and carried a half painted paint-by-number landscape and paintbrush around with me. Ahhh, happy little trees…. This year I decided I'm going to [WARNING: SPOILER ALERT!] wear track clothes and running shoes and a sign that says "Zombie Fast Food." Get it? Get it??? I'd be a fast, running person, zombies eat people… fast food…

(*smacks head again*)

Come on! That's comedy gold, right there. 

(If you say so….)

Grrrr. The best part of Halloween is, of course, the clowns.

(Back the truck up.... Since when do you like clowns??)

I don't like clowns! I f*cking hate clowns!! I was being sarcastic! Stupid, creepy, face-painted b*stards! Seriously! Who makes a habit of concealing their identity and running all over town?

(Batman?)

YOU BE QUIET! They give me the heebie jeebies. I can't help it. With the paint, and the nose, and the wig, and the shoes… Something just ain't right about all that. Maybe that's why I can't sleep…. Clown will eat me. 

(Best. Simpsons. Episode. EVER.)

Debatable, but definitely in the top five. Now that we've settled that… On to candy corn. Comedian Lewis Black does a great bit about candy corn, and how we fall for its enticing lure every year as if we've never had it before, only to remind ourselves… Well, I'll use his words: "Mmmmm! Candy corn! Corn that tastes like candy!" [Munches on some candy corn, makes disgusted face.] "This tastes like crap!" I honestly don’t know anyone who truly enjoys the taste of candy corn. But we all eat it just the same, because it's there, year after year, and we feel obligated. Maybe the caramel flavored candy corn will taste bett… nope. It all tastes the same. It tastes like its consistency – pasty. There, I just made up a new flavor. Candy corn is pasty flavored. 

(I... wish I could disagree with you. Dammit.)

Hehehe. Lastly… drum roll please…. Monster Mash.

(I was working in the lab, late one night… seriously why do you do this to me?)

It's a graveyard smash… 

(We do the mas…. I'm not kidding, I'm going to cut you.)

Would you rather I posted about the….

(DON'T. YOU. DARE.)

One eyed, one horned…

(…flying purple people eat…. Well there goes my train of thought for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot. B*astard.)

You still love me. Happy Halloween season. Now who wants to go get freaked out and watch  Annabelle with me?

© 2014 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.