No One Looks Sexy Brushing Their Teeth

[Editor's note: We've picked up a number of new readers lately, so it's probably time to offer a refresher course on the Parenthetical Heckler. When I first started writing here, readers/friends would write to me and crack wise, telling me I was crazy, asking where this stuff comes from, chastising me for getting songs stuck in there head… After a while, I could hear their voices in my head as I typed, and began inserting my imagining of my readers' responses right into the body of the work… Hence, the Parenthetical Heckler was born. It's a simple device I use to keep a narrative going and, from what I understand, most times my notion of the readers' thoughts is pretty spot-on. So there you have it. I'm only kinda sorta not really talking to myself.]

(We get it. Can we get on with it now?)

See what I mean? I knew some of you were thinking that just now.

(*tapping foot*)

Alright. Jeez. So here are some more random thoughts: Some things are just true no matter what. Sure, people talk about the inevitability of death and taxes, but Ted Williams' head is on ice and there's always a way to cheat the IRS. No, I'm talking about inalienable truths. Like the fact that the sun rises in the east, or the fact that by the end of this blog post I will get a song stuck in your head. Things that are true no matter how you look at them, such as the following….

No one looks sexy brushing their teeth.

(Really? Not even Olivia Wilde?)

Nope. She is sexy, granted. She cannot look sexy brushing her teeth. Think about it – You're taking a tiny brush, covered in minty goo and swiping it across your teeth, for the purpose of removing mouth-germs. All while trying not to let any of the minty gooey substance leak from your face. That is simply not sexy. And I don't care who you are, pasty drool always escapes the corners of your mouth or covers your lower lip when you spit. It just ain't sexy, I'm sorry. Now, of course, if Olivia wants to come over and brush her teeth while naked, of course I'd let her, but I don't think I could watch her in the act of brushing. At least not her face. *whistling* Maybe it's just me.

(You. Are. So. Weird.)

I know. But I'd be willing to wager that you will be thinking about this when you're home later and brushing your teeth before bed. You'll be watching yourself in the mirror, and probably try to be all sexy doing so, and then you're gonna laugh and spit and drool because you just can't do it. And I want to see comments and posts from those who aren't afraid to admit it later. Mark my words….

(I really do worry about you sometimes.)

I know that too. I'm ok. My doctor says so. Anywhoos… Another truth: The Toyota Rav-4 is a chick car.

(That's a bit stereotypically sexist….)

It is, and I apologize, but those that know me well know I am far from what one would call chauvinistic. Yes, it is a sexist stereotype, but one based upon years of observation. I have driven hundreds of thousands of miles and probably viewed millions of cars since the vehicle's inception. Despite all the time, distance and encounters, I am still fairly confident that I do not need to take off my socks to count the number of men I've seen driving Rav-4's. Not kidding. And the men I've seen driving them are timid, slow, and overly cautious drivers, i.e. annoying as all get out. Just this morning, during rush hour traffic, I was stuck in the middle lane desperately trying to move over, when along comes a man driving a Rav-4 in the passing lane. 

Passing lanes, mind you, are designed for, what's the word, oh right: PASSING. Does he pass me? Oh, silly reader, no. He matches my speed. There are at least four car lengths ahead of him. Had he been driving at the acceptable rate of speed for his lane, he would have passed me and opened up an envelope behind him into which I could have merged. Instead… *poke along poke along poke along* until the gap behind him filled in with visibly annoyed drivers wishing to take full advantage of the lane in which they were driving. If the looks he received had any practical effect, he'd likely be dead or sharing a small, barred room with a large man named Bubba right about now. Moral of this truth – The Rav-4 is a chick car. Let the chicks drive it. At least they know how. 

(Still think you're being sexist, but… You're kinda right.)

It happens from time to time. So, what else? I know – duck-faced selfies are stupid. Like "Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house" stupid. Ladies, you're beautiful. But do you know what you look like when you make duck-lipped selfies? A F*CKING DUCK. Not sexy, not cool, not even remotely attractive in any way shape or form whatsoever. If you're going to pucker your lips, do it while your eyes are closed, while you're listening to some soft music that makes your hips sway, just before you press those puckered lips passionately against mine. Don't do it while holding your phone at arm's length trying to photograph yourself. Hey, here’s a thought – if you're going to take a selfie, try smiling. I know, a novel concept. It's only been utilized since the invention of the photograph. And if you're going to do it, for pasta's sake get out of the bathroom.

(For pasta's sake???)

Hey, you were the one that busted out sweet potato the other day.

(You do remember that you write this, and I come from your imagination, right?)

Moving on… James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman have the two most distinctive voices in all of cinema.

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Nothing? 

(What? I agree with you on that one.)

Alrighty then! Speaking of cinema…

(Here it comes….)

Keanu Reeves can't act. I'm serious. The man has no emotional depth. No range. No character. I don't think his voice is even capable of inflection. He is as one-dimensional as they come. I even fast forward through his scenes in Youngblood. 

(Okay, wait a minute. You complain about Keanu Reeves yet you watch Youngblood???)

It's a hockey classic starring Patrick Swayze and he's dead so you can't dispute the fact. It would be disrespectful.

(You know, they do make medication for people like you now….)

*gives stern-faced rebuke*

Just for that… I will leave you with the fact that the new "Cherokee" is an abomination on the face of the Jeep brand and should be forever banned.

(Annnnnnnd there it is.)

That… thing should just be called a Fiat Grocery-Getter as it is so far from worthy of wearing the seven-slot Jeep grill that to allow it to do so is so disrespectful that it's like Buffalo Wild Wings opening a location in Buffalo and claiming to have the world's best wings. NO. Just no. You're a chain restaurant, and you're not Duff's. Or the Anchor Bar. Or Gabriel's Gate. Or any of the other local Buffalo, New York establishments whose wings are infinity better than those tiny pigeon parts you try pass off as wings. Your wings don't measure up, and the new "Cherokee" is not a Jeep. End of story.

(Dude, you seriously have issues.)

What are you, my therapist? 

(Isn't that why you write this stuff?)

Sweet Caroline….

(What does that have to do with anything???)

Nothing, But now it's stuck in your head.

(Sweet Caroline... wah wah…. GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!)

See? Truth. 

© 2014 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.