Stupid People and the Buffalo Bills

Well, it wasn't the Super Bowl, but yesterday I was lucky enough to witness my beloved Buffalo Bills beat the Minnesota Vikings in dramatic, last second fashion. That the Bills scored the winning touchdown right in front of my section, a scant twenty-six rows and a few feet in front of me, was in better. I mention this because A) reveling in a Bills win is a luxury in which I don’t get to engage too often; 2) that I got to do it in person was just buckets full of awesomesauce; and C) attending the game in person allowed me to engage in one of my other favorite activities: people watching. There are few venues better suited for good people watching than professional sports stadiums and airports. Ralph Wilson Stadium?  Whoa nelly. Here's what I observed.

1.  Zubaz pants are back with a vengeance, and I must ask for the love of sweet bejeebus why? Those things are horrid. They weren't cool in the 80's, they're not cool now. And don’t even try to claim that their resurgence is "retro" or "classic" or "ironic." They are ugly. Always have been, always will be. Like skinny jeans, this product should not be market to men in any event, and the only acceptable instance in which you should even consider wearing them is in the home, with the blinds shut and curtains drawn so no one else can see them. You might as well put on your white socks and Crocs while you're at it. Zubaz-print leggings however… I think those might be acceptable. I need to see them more to be sure. You know, for research purposes. Ladies, feel free to wear those at will. And often.

2.  Men are disgusting. 

(You had to go to Bills game to determine this?)

No, I did not have to go to a Bills game to figure that out, but oh holy hell drunk men cannot aim. Porta-potties are perhaps the most disgusting things on the face of the planet. I wanted to burn the soles of my shoes after the experience. I mean seriously – It would have to be a poop of epic proportions in order for me to even consider utilizing one of those things for ye ol' number two.

(*blech* Thank for that imagery. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.)

Sorry. But I just couldn't keep that misery to myself. Moving on to number three….

(Nice transition.)

Thanks. Number 3:  Drunk people are stupid.

(Again I ask – a Bills game was necessary to bring you to this conclusion?)

Well, no, but let's just say the experience reaffirmed the notion. Sitting a couple of rows in front of me were three Vikings fans, decked out in their purple and gold. For most of the game they were generally respectful and had fun with those around them. Then that moment of fate occurred when one of them crossed the line from being a comically annoying nuisance to drunken douchebag. Words were had with an equally douchebaggy Bills fan (many of which started with the letter F), then there was some shouting in foreign languages, and then security descended upon the scene like biblical locusts. Vikings fan was removed, and a short while later douchebag Bills fan was at it again with one of the other Vikings fans. Thus ensued shouting, security and removal, part deux.  Fellas (and lady, though, based on her behavior, I use that term loosely) it's a game, you're not competing, and you're not proving to anyone anything other than the fact that you’re a bunch of… say it with me…

(Douchebags?) 

Precisely. Shut your pie holes, watch and enjoy the game. You paid a lot of money for those tickets. Was it worth it to miss an exciting last four minutes? Eh, not like you would have likely remembered it anyway….

3A.  Some people, drunk or otherwise, are just plain stupid in any event. The Bills were down by less than one touchdown with approximately four minutes to go. People started pouring from the stands to leave, presumably to avoid the issue contained in the "lastly" paragraph below. However… they were leaving a sporting event, in which their team still had plenty of time to come back, and a game for which they spent some serious green to be in attendance. And they left. Early. This is a phenomenon I will never, ever understand. Is it really worth it to leave early to avoid spending a few minutes of your life in traffic? Is it going to kill you? I mean really – The Bills, on their last drive, drove 80 yards down the field in under a minute and a half to score the winning touchdown with one second left on the clock. And you missed it. Maybe you listened to it on the radio in your car where you were likely stuck in some kind of traffic with the rest of the fair weather fans that left early. I suppose if you want to waste your money and leave early, that's your business. At least I had a clearer view of Sammy Watkins pulling in the game winner. Because the seats in front of me were empty. Because you left early. Sucker.

Lastly… Some people just shouldn't drive. Yes, when there are over 75,000 people attending an event, traffic as you exit the stadium is a foregone conclusion. Surprisingly, though, we made it out of the parking lot and too the highway in very little time. It wasn't until we nearly reached the third exit, more than twenty miles away from the stadium, that we hit bumper to bumper traffic. For. No. REASON. There was no accident. There was no law enforcement anywhere to be seen. There were simply stupid people that slammed on their breaks, starting a chain reaction of brake slamming, until we were caught in nearly forty minutes' worth of poking along like grandmas after bingo. There was absolutely no reason for the slowdown other than stupid drivers. I bet it was a guy in a RAV4. 

(Really? Seriously, with the RAV4 again?)

You're right. It could have been someone in a "Cherokee."

(*smacking head* Why did I open my mouth?)

You didn't. I did it for you. I knew what you were thinking. I have the ESPN.

(I… am just gonna keep quiet on that one.)

Smart plan. Anywhoos… despite the above examples of nitwittery and douchebaggery, it was still a pretty awesome day. Decent weather, good grillin', good friends, and a good game. The Bills make me wanna SHOUT!

(Kick my heels up and SHOU…. I hate you. I really thought I was going to make it out of this without an earworm.)

You thought wrong. Now throw your hands up and shout.

© 2014 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.