The Great Giraffe Gaffe and Other Inanity
So, just what does happen in my mind after: 1) a really long workday; B) ending said day with a harrowing, "Bambi-nearly-has-violent-physical-relationship-with-Jeep" moment; 3) resulting, adrenalin-induced insomnia; and 4) multiple cups of caffeinated beverages the next morning?
(Oh. Sweet. Bejeebus.)
Shush, you. This is when I write some of my best stuff.
(Touché. Carry on.)
Thank you. As I was saying… what was I saying? Oh, right. What happens, blah blah blah. What happens is my mind filling with inanity.
(More than usual?)
HEY!!!!
(*snicker*)
Enough from you, pretend, parenthetical heckler. But yes, more than usual. Dictionary.com defines "inane" as The Book of Mormon and… wait. Never mind. That's an advertisement. Where… ok there it is. Dictionary.com defines inane as "lacking sense, significance or ideas; silly; empty; void." The adjective inane is typically associated with questions, i.e. inane questions, such as "why can't our government get it's sh*t together?" It is also often used to describe the cranial capacity exhibited by certain celebrity-types, as in the comically historical example of Jessica Simpson questioning whether Chicken of the Sea was chicken or tuna. [Look! Inane question originating in an inane mind! It's two for Tuesday!]
(Um, it's Wednesday…)
Shut up. I wrote that part yesterday. So, where am I going with this, you ask?
(I didn't ask, actually….)
Be. QUIET! The point is that there is a lot of inanity in this world, much of which many of us encounter on a daily basis. Take, for example, the ubiquitous "Baby On Board" signs people post in their vehicle windows. What, exactly, is the purpose of this sign? Is it to dissuade surrounding drivers from driving dangerously? Because if that's the intended purpose – That's just plain inane. Do you really think this scenario takes place?
Husband: I'm bored. I'm going to ram the minivan in front of us for fun.
Wife: Wait, honey, look! The sign says that there's a baby on board!
Husband: Oh, well, in that case, I'll just put my blinker on and drive safely by, then.
The answer is no. No, no no. That doesn't happen. Ever. What really happens?
Husband: Baby on board sign. *gag*
Wife: *screaming out window as husband excessively accelerates around minivan across a double yellow line* Talk me when you have two screaming toddlers back there! Now get out of the way, b*tch!
Other fine examples of inanity: The Buffalo Sabres continuing to employ Darcy Regier; The United States Congress; The 2014 Jeep "Cherokee" [not one of which, according to recent reports, has yet left the factory due to its incredible piece-o-sh*ttiness]; and Tworking.
(I think you mean "twerking.")
*gives parenthetical heckler the evil eye*
ANYHOOS… There is an overabundance of stupid, silly, nonsensical, empty voidiness with which we are inundated on a daily basis. And we love it. We feed off of it. Why? Because we are an inane people. Don't believe me? I bet dollars to donuts that a great many of you readers changed your Facebook profile pictures to that of a giraffe at some point in the last week.
(Hey!! I did no… ok, yeah, I did.)
See? I'll take a glazed twist, please.
(I didn't take your bet!)
You acceptance was implicit in that you kept reading.
(But…)
Glazed. Twist. And do you want to know just how inane that giraffe thing is? The answer everyone is giving is wrong. Here is the riddle as posted on Facebook [WARNING: SPOILER ALERT…. For those living under rocks that have not yet seen this absurd inanity]:
"Try the great giraffe challenge! The deal is, I give you a riddle. You get it right, you get to keep your profile pic. You get it wrong and you change your profile pic to a giraffe for the next 3 days. MESSAGE ME ONLY....NO COMMENTS OF YOUR GUESS SO YOU DON'T GIVE THE ANSWER. Here's the riddle: 3:00 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors....it's your parents. They are there for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What's the first thing you open? Remember message only me and I will let you know if you're right...."
Ok, setting aside the numerous grammatical errors that make my inner editor twitch, the gist is this: What do you open first? Some would have you believe that the correct answer is "your eyes." NO, it is not. If you answered "your eyes" you are wrong and should go sit in the corner and reflect on your wrongness. The correct answer is the door. Why? Because by the terms of the riddle, you are already awake. If you're awake, presumably your eyes are already open. The only person who is "awake" with their eyes closed is grandpa in the Lazy Boy after Thanksgiving dinner, and he's not sleeping, he's resting his eyes.
And I have just now proven my point by carrying on for multiple paragraphs about the inanity of a Facebook riddle with a wrong answer. *sigh* I, too, am one of you.
(I thought you were our leader. *snicker*)
I… Hmmm. That could go either way. I'll let that one slide.…
For now, I will leave you with the following riddle:
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are locked in adjacent cells. You have in your possession the one and only key capable of opening both cells, but the key can only be used once. Thus, if you open one cell you can free its occupant, but the other will be locked away for eternity. The question is….
After you toss the key in the garbage disposal without opening either cell, what side dish do you choose to go along with your sandwich?
[The correct answer is, of course… say it with me – Applesauce.]
© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.