One Hundred... And Counting.
Dear Readers:
This, what you are hopefully about to read, is my one-hundredth post to this blog. Ninety-times previously I've written, sharing personal anecdotes, ideas, sarcasm, cynicism, joy and sorrow. I can honestly say that in each and every entry, there has been a piece of me. Some call it ego, or arrogant self-promotion. Call it what you will, but if I am not expressing my self through words, I am not me. If you don't want to read what I offer, don't read. It's that simple. If you're so willing, however, I offer more of me in this, my centennial post.
The framework of this post was a note that I originally wrote on Facebook sometime in 2009, and re-published here in July of 2011. This will likely have a different tone from what you've seen in the past. I have bolded those portions of this post which remain unchanged from the prior versions. What you see here is a reflection of how I have grown, how my life has progressed, since I first wrote put these thoughts into words. If you'd like to see the original post before reading this one, you can do so by clicking the following link:
Otherwise, I introduce you to me again, and thank you for still being here one hundred posts later. I don't think I can truly express my appreciation for all of the love and support you've given me in furtherance of my writing. Suffice it to say, I hope that I can continue to entice, amuse, and entertain you for another hundred posts and more.
With humility,
J.J. Goodman
__________________________
I am forty years old. For the first time I feel older than I am. My body is not as fit as it once was, and my hair is now greyer than it is black. Still, I am proud of the forty year old man I've become, and hold true to my vow that I will never dye my hair or resort to cosmetic surgery to cover my flaws. My flaws are me. In each scar, each crease in my brow, each hair that eventually fades to white, is a moment in time that, combined will all the others, comprises the whole of my soul.
I am spiritual, yet skeptical. Once again events in my life haves tested my spiritual resolve. I remain devoted still, with a deep-seated belief that there is a plan for me. Despite those burdens that overwhelm me, I will continue to have faith that God has instilled in me the strength to persevere through that which threatens my spirit. I've emblazoned my Catholic heritage on my flesh twice now, emblems of my faith adorning each of my shoulders as reminders that no matter which way I turn, God is there.
I am deeply passionate. I continue to believe that emotion, empathy, and love are essential to our existence. I am a man who is not afraid to show that I feel, and feel with passion. I am someone that is not afraid to laugh, to cry, to scream, or stay silent when there simply are no words. However I may be, you will see me. You will see who and what I am. I've no masks behind which to hide, nor embarrassment upon which to blame my behavior. Look into my eyes and you'll see something deeper.
I am frustrated. I am someone who, if I could, would absorb the pain of those I care about and make it my own and relieve them of their burden. Too often I find myself trying to assuage heartache or irritation when I know I cannot. This is my flaw. I cannot mend that which is broken in others, nor heal their wounds, yet those same wounds pain me. I will always care, and will forever strive to be that reliable one to whom you turn. I know you would still do the same.
I am insecure. This, I fear, is an attribute that I may never change. Each time I believe, it seems, there occurs something to shatter the image in which I've placed my trust. Each time that happens, my worth, my strength, my ability is called into question. I know better. Yet I cannot shake the notion that while I know better, I am not sufficient. My insecurity ebbs and flows, and I'm certain it always will. It is in those swells, those crashing waves of self-doubt, when the love and confidence you've shown me carries me to the shore.
I am lucky. I continue to be blessed with family and friends who accept me for all that I am, and understand all that I am not. With their words, their embrace, or simply their smiles, I am loved. It is with their love that I excel and succeed. No person is capable of surviving alone. No one will ever be able to shoulder every burden thrust upon them. I am fortunate that I am surrounded by those willing to help me carry mine, and I will always lend a hand to carry theirs.
I am fearful. I am terrified. The future which I had planned, had so desired, has been swept away and I stand now knee deep in uncertainty. My foundation is cracked and stones upon which I stood have crumbled away. I know, however, that I need only step forward onto firmer ground, from which my future will unfold again. Take my hand and walk with me, and let us conquer the unknown side by side.
I am saddened. I have experienced pain and sorrow, not just my own but in witnessing that of others. I am disappointed by decisions I have made, and the decisions of others that injure those I love. I am disheartened that there are those obstacles which cannot be overcome, though I still believe that, with effort, they could be pushed aside. I believe that sadness must pass in time, and I welcome its passage.
I am strong. I am fully aware of the strength that lies within me even if I am often unable to unleash it. Pain, sorrow, regret, are all evils whose grasp upon me will loosen and fall away as I recognize and draw upon my resolve to live, to succeed. My failures will not define me, but rather will assist in shaping me. And here, on these pages, I have no fear of rejection. Here, you can take me for what I am, see that which you wish to see.
I am evolved. I have experienced a great deal in the four years that have passed since I first undertook this endeavor. I have loved with all my heart, and I have lost that which I held dear. I have experienced great joy and success, rekindled old friendships, and created new ones. Through everything, I am still me. Changed. Affected. Burdened. Loved. Aged. I am all of these things, but I am still me, perhaps more so than I have ever been.
I am humbled. I am truly humbled by the friendship, love, and understanding that has been bestowed upon me. I am and forever will be hopeful that I will always be able to return the incredible gifts that have been given me. I am aware that at times we will all stumble and wander from our paths, but that our paths will fatefully intertwine again. I am certain of one thing above all others, that my perseverance is the product of those that care for me so much.
I am, with all of my fortitude and my faults, still, simply, me.
© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.