Observations of Human Relations

I notice things. Some things I wish I hadn't noticed. Like the guy in the car next to me on the highway picking his nose. I mean seriously, dude. That's a window, not a one-way mirror. We can see you. And we don't need to see you doing that. Besides, what are you, five??

Yes, I notice things. Some gross me out, some make me chuckle, and some make me downright angry. Like what, I imagine you asking even though you're reading this not asking what I notice, but instead are asking yourselves why you're reading this in the first place? [The answer to that question is, of course, twofold: 1) because you know you don't want to be working right now and this is a far better alternative than making sure all of your TPS reports have covers; and b) taking a few minutes to experience my neurosis makes you feel that much better about your own. Don't deny it.]

We humans are interesting creatures, full of oddities and idiosyncrasies. You need not go too much further than your local grocery store to figure that out. Go there someday when it's not too busy and do this in the checkout line: Wait until there is about a foot or more of space behind the groceries that the person in front of you is purchasing, and then place your items on the conveyor. Do not use the little plastic bar to separate your items from theirs, and then see what happens. I'd say at least seven out of ten times the person in front of you will have a mini-melt down and immediately reach for the little plastic bar and put it on the belt. Why? What goes through their head?

Silly Person:    Oh my God. OH MY GOD!!! There's no barrier! The clerk is going to make me buy and take his groceries home!!! Or I'll have to pay for his!!! What do I do??? Oh, thank you sweet bejeebus there's a little piece of plastic that will prevent this otherwise impending checkout catastrophe!!!  

Me:      *gigglesnort*

I mean really, what do you honestly think is going to happen? Don't think, I'll tell you: The pimply-faced teenager at the register is either going to a)  stop, clearly noticing the separation between the two orders, or 2) ask you "is this yours too?" when he/she gets to my order. But no, by all means, if putting a piece of germ covered plastic between our groceries makes you feel more secure…. Please see a therapist.

What else have I noticed, you ask? [And this time you did ask, because you know you've experienced what I just described and are now curious as to what other nonsensical nonsenseness I notice….] Well, for example, I've noticed that your dominant hand is always bigger than your other hand.

*pauses while you place your hands together*

*chuckles, wondering how many times you're going to fall for that*

Another curious thing I've noticed is that, no matter how integrated or progressive our society becomes, some people are and always will be snooty. Snotty? Snooty.  Let's just say the recently I had my own Abe Frohman moment while shopping for new work clothes. It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon, so I was out in the Jeep with the top down. I wore a simple t-shirt, jeans with a hole ripped in the right knee, flip flops and a baseball hat. I could almost see the look of horror on the Snooty McSnottypants salesman's face when I pulled up blaring the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and then walked into the high-end men's clothing store, which shall remain nameless, but rhymes with Jos. A. Bank. [Oops. I forgot to rhyme.]

It took a full fifteen minutes before anyone acknowledged my presence. Granted, two of the salespeople were engaged with other customers. Snooty McSnottypants, however was not, yet nevertheless ignored me and my disheveledness and proceeded to steam a sport coat instead. When one of the other clerks was finished with his customer, he approached and asked if he could help me. I smiled… and proceeded to buy approximately $300.00 worth of clothing. The look of surprise on McSnottypants' face when I approached the counter and pulled my Jos. A. Bank corporate card out of my wallet was priceless. Moral of this story: Hey dumbass – I don't wear suits and ties every day. Some days I like to be comfortable. You judged me by my appearance, and screwed yourself out of a six item, $300.00 transaction. And I'll bet dollars to donuts that if I walk in there next time wearing a suit, you'll be clambering to assist me. And you ain't gonna. Because I won't forget you. I'm like an elephant. I like peanuts.   

One last one… Old ladies either smell like moth balls or overbearing rose perfume. There is no in between. Mothballs or roses. Those are your old lady choices. Seriously. Take a stroll through Macy's some day and follow some old ladies. I'm not wrong on this. Just, please, don't be too obvious. Some of those old bats still have pretty good swings. I don't know what's in those purses, or how those frail arms can even hold them up, but dammit those suckers hurt when they catch you in the temple. Old ladies don't liked to be sniffed, apparently.

[Did you notice the shouts out to both Office Space and Ferris Bueller's Day off? Or the hidden code in the first letters of each paragraph?]

*pauses again*

Man you guys are gullible.

© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.