Why, and Please

So I'm feeling the need to write. No jokes, no parenthetical heckler, just words. Why? Because I've realized something recently that troubles me. I look around and I'm plagued by one overreaching, all-encompassing query: Why does everything suck, everywhere?

This isn't intended as a Debbie-downer post. It's more a philosophical one, in which I simple desire to post some thoughts, some questions, and some theories centered on the reason why a proverbial darkness has cast a pall across my social landscape.

Please keep in mind that I am speaking in general terms here. By and large life is pretty damn good for me right now. I have a new home, good job, wonderful friends and family, and a dog that does a happy dance every single day when I get home from work as if I'd just returned from a six month hike in the Himalayas. That being said, I still find everything around me coated, to paraphrase from Christmas Vacation, in a non-nutritive varnish of malaise.

This isn't to say that I'm depressed or have a negative outlook on life. Quite the contrary, lately. Things have been looking decided upward for me lately. But the fact remains that everywhere I seem to turn there is an overwhelming sense of despair. Let me explain….

Death seems to have developed a dissatisfaction with the number of souls it's claimed lately, and many I know are mourning the loss of loved ones, whether family or friends. Some were taken in the natural course; others gone too soon by accident or otherwise. Why? To what end? For what purpose? Others are mired in the muck of relationships gone sour; battling custody issues, abuse, misfortune and maligned intentions. Depression, fear, hopelessness and anxiety have seemingly taken the horsemen's places as harbingers of an ill-fated future, whether in truth or perception.

Why?

Every person I know that is currently afflicted with these emotional maladies is a good person, a kind person. A loving, caring soul upon whom such burdens should never be placed.

So, I ask again, why?

I want to scream it. I want to search skyward, reach into the clouds and pull down some kind of Divine reply. Why? Why are these wonderful people, whom I care about very much, suffering so? Why can they not simply live, without such calamity? Why must a face frown when it was meant to wear a smile? Why must a loving mother be shackled by the chains of discontent, jealousy and chauvinism forged in the fires of an angry ex-spouse's tortured soul? Why must some of my closest friends lament loss, left with nothing more than photographs for remembrance? And why must I endure that which I endure?

Faith is something with which I struggle lately. I am spiritual, but not religious. I believe in an Almighty power, and that everything happens for a reason. But for fuck's sake God, really? Do You see what you're doing? Do You see the pain You're causing to those who've done nothing to deserve it?

And I ask why.

Why?

WHY????

I'm sure some will read this and think my use of the word fuck is sacrilegious when communicating with the Heavenly Father. It's not. Do you want to know why I believe it's not? Let's take a step back. I am Catholic. While I disagree with many of the Church's tenets these days, one I've held to is that we can, and are encouraged to speak to God. We are to talk, seek guidance, confess, but above all else, be honest. I don't fear that God will judge me because I said "for fuck's sake." Believe me, I've said and done plenty of other things for which I could be judged. I don't fear judgment or retribution for an expression of frustration and pain. Sadly, however, I neither expect a resolution.

I hate the phrase "God works in mysterious ways," for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the statement is undeniably, unequivocally, true. That is the precise reason that we are left asking why, so often and so desperately. Perhaps, as they say, all will be truly revealed in time. Maybe we'll never know the reasons things happen. And maybe, hopefully, we will experience an epiphany in which all is made clear. I'm not holding my breath. So where does that leave us?

It leaves me continuing to ask why, but also asking please.

Please.

Please, if You're really up there God, please stop. Stop the hurting, the suffering, the pain. Make my friend's smile return. Make my friend's ex treat her with respect and be the parent his children deserve. Make that one who thinks she's broken or unworthy of love understand that she is neither. Help my friends understand, or at least ease their acceptance of their loved ones' passing. Heal my friend suffering from an often debilitating disease so that she can fully, truly enjoy life without worry. Help my friend beat back the demons that reside within him and throw off the yoke of addiction. Help me find that which is missing from my life. Allow us to shed the damp chill that's enveloped us. Let us bask instead in the happiness of each other, rather than recoil from one another.

I ask this, please. I know it's a lot to ask. Of course, I scoff as I type that. No, I don't know, really. I don’t know if that is a lot to ask. We say that when we ask for something that seems Herculean at the time, but is it really? Is it too much to ask that He allow us to be happy? Have the sins of the many so greatly tainted the fate of the few? No, no I can't believe that. I won't believe it. So I take it back. It's not too much to ask. So I'm asking.

Why? And… please.

 

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.