Everything... Or Nothing.

Hayley loved her friends, she truly did, most of the time. Tonight, however, she hated them with the heat of a thousand suns. While she appreciated the sentiment behind their actions, there was nothing more she wanted that evening than to stay home, drown herself in a bottle of wine, and watch sappy movies until she cried herself to sleep. It had been a rough week, and thoughts of Jeremy invaded her life at every turn. He'd broken up with her just before New Year's, having told her that he just needed space and time. Apparently the space he needed was the gap between Stephanie Langford's thighs, and time spent in her bed.

 

No, Hayley Wolf was far from over him and still had a few good cries left in her before she'd be ready to face the world. Enter her best friends Dawn and Jenny, and instead of drinking good wine home, she found herself instead at Dawn's sipping some sugary-sweet something with a rosy tint that came out of box. Reluctant as she was to do so, hanging out with Dawn and Jenny did seem to help. She was just starting to relax when the others arrived, though.

 

"We just wanted you get out and live a little!" Jenny exclaimed. She pulled Hayley into a big hug hoping to make her friend smile. Hayley, on the other hand, wanted to choke the life out of her. The last thing she wanted to do was hang out with a bunch of people, and certainly not Dawn's boyfriend Glen, as he happened to be close friends with Jeremy. Another reminder of her love lost.

 

"Gee, thanks, Jenny," replied Hayley. Thankfully Jenny was already tipsy and noticed neither the disdain nor the sarcasm that dripped from Hayley's words. Jenny smiled and wandered off to greet the boys. Glen had with him his brother Joe, with whom Jenny had engaged in an on-again, off-again tempest of a relationship for the last several years. The third was someone Hayley recognized but didn't know well, beyond his name: Nicholas.

 

She'd seen him around, and if she wasn't still so hung up on Jeremy she would have found him to be quite attractive. He stood at exactly six feet tall and had broad shoulders. Second generation, US-born Italian, Nicholas had olive skin, black hair and disarmingly tender, big brown eyes. He wasn't what one would call muscular, but he certainly wasn't one most women would overlook simply, either. He’d had a crush on Hayley for some time, and Dawn and Jenny both thought this would be a good opportunity to get them together. They underestimated her state of malaise, however. She was in no mood to flirt, and in even less of a mood to play “would you rather.”

 

For whatever reason, when they got together, they’d drink and play that stupid game. Most of the time it was silly and fun, but for some reason, this game bothered her. She sat and listened as they gave their flippant answers but had stopped paying attention long before her turn came around.

 

“What?” she asked.

 

“It’s your turn, Hayley!” Jenny reminded her. “So, would you rather feel everything, or nothing?”

 

Hayley immediately began to sweat and hyperventilate. The question, the notion of deciding how and what to feel, overwhelmed her. She had already been an emotional basket case to begin with, and the query sent her over the edge.

 

 

“I, I don’t feel well all of a sudden. Excuse me,” she announced before she ran from the room. Dawn, Jenny and the others stared dumbfounded, but only for a moment. The alcohol they’d consumed had blunted their concern for their friend and they quickly returned to the game without her. Only Nicholas, who’d had far less to drink than the others, excused himself to check on her. He found her standing in the den, leaning on the back of the desk chair, trying desperately to compose herself.

 

“Hayley? Are you alright?”

 

Hayley wiped her eyes and turned to face him. “I’m fine. I just, I don’t know. That question threw me. I’ve been through a lot lately.”

 

“I know, I heard. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

 

“Thanks. It really sucks. Honestly, right now, I think my answer to the question would be that I’d rather feel nothing. Nothing at all.” She paused, and Nicholas looked down, unsure of what to say. “It’s fine. I’ll be back in there in a minute,” she said dismissively, expecting Nicholas to leave her alone. He turned and left the den, only to return a moment later.

 

“Actually, I’m not sorry.”

 

“What?” she replied, unsure she’d heard him correctly.

 

“I’m not sorry. Jeremy is an asshole. Hayley, you’re wonderful. You’re smart, and beautiful, and, I, I just think you’re so much better off without a douchebag like that in your life. And no, it’s not alright that you want to feel nothing at all.”

 

Hayley stood silently. That someone would be so direct with her was one thing, but Nicholas barely knew her, and she reminded him of that bitterly.

 

“I know you better than you think. Hayley, you deserve better. You deserve to feel everything.”

 

“Everything includes the pain.”

 

“Yes, it does, but there’s so much more than the pain. I can show you.”

 

“Nice pick up line, Nicholas.”

 

He stared into her eyes intently. “It’s not a pick up line. Let me try.”

 

Hayley could see the sincerity in his expression. “Okay, fine, what the hell. Show me.”

 

Nicholas walked over to her, placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her away from him. “Close your eyes.”

 

“Why should I trust you?” she asked. She didn’t have any particular fear, yet felt defensive just the same.

 

“You don’t have to. I’m simply asking you to.”

 

Hayley sighed deeply and closed her eyes. “Okay, now what?”

 

“Now I’m going to make you feel everything, without even touching you.”

 

Hayley scoffed. “Oh really? You believe so?”

 

Nicholas leaned in closely and whispered in her ear. “Yes, I do believe so.” His closeness, his scent, and the warmth of his breath on her earlobe made her heart quicken. “Do you know what else I believe?”

 

“No,” she whispered back, suddenly desperate to hear his voice.

 

“I believe in the little things. The glances, the fleeting touch of fingertips, the small gestures that let you know that you’re not alone. I believe in beauty, and not the kind that comes from a bottle or a powder you put on your face. I believe in the kind of beauty that wakes your soul. The kind that hides in sleepy morning eyes and dances in in the shadows of a broken heart.”

 

Hayley’s breath quickened to match her heartbeat as Nicholas continued.

 

“I believe in public displays of affection. And not just holding hands, no, I believe in stopping in the middle of a busy street for the kind of kiss that makes your toes curl in your shoes and every muscle in your body tighten. The kind of display that makes even the purest of heart burn with jealousy.

 

I believe in saying nothing at all. I believe in those moments when you stand, forehead to forehead, swaying to music only you can hear. Nuzzling noses, silently, but hearing everything a heart has to say. I believe in seeing with closed eyes and hearing with deaf ears. Those moments when you’re surrounded but lost in blissful solitude in the eye of the storm.

 

I believe in pain, the kind that levels your foundation and makes you scream. The pain that comes from a memory, a scent, a song, and reminds you that you’re alive. From that pain grows a strength and passion you’d never realize had you not climbed from the depths of despair to bask in the warmth of achievement and determination. The kind of pain that fuels you, wills you to survive.

 

And I believe in love. And not the kind that comes with saying ‘I love you.’ I believe in the kind of love that fills your eyes with tears when she walks out the door and fills them again the next time she walks back in. I believe in the kind of love that makes your knees weak when she smiles, and melts your walls when she whispers your name. The kind of love that makes you believe you could die in that instant and know that you’ve already experienced Heaven. I believe in the kind of love that permeates every waking thought, every unconscious dream, and every subconscious desire. The kind of love that you need more than the air that you breathe.

 

And I believe that without these things, you never really live.”

 

When Nicholas stopped talking Hayley turned and threw her arms around his neck. Tears streamed down her cheeks, though her sobs made no sound. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her as close as he could. She held him tightly, as if they stood upon the only stone, and the rest of the floor had been swept away by a tumultuous sea. Hayley grasped to him as if she’d evaporate like the morning mist if he let her go. She feared her heart would cease beating if she broke from his embrace, as if only he could sustain her. It was as if she’d not survive another second without him.

 

For so long they stood there the others, with the exception of Dawn in whose house they stood, had all gone. Dawn lingered in the doorway for a moment, content to see her friends falling in love, before retiring upstairs to bed. Into the night they remained, holding one another, letting the world spin on without them.

 

Finally, when Hayley thought she could take no more, he spoke again and she surrendered.

 

“What do you feel, Hayley?”

 

“Everything.”

 

 

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.