One-Uppers and Other Annoying Conversationalists

Far too infrequently we engage in conversation with someone that is genuinely interested in what we have to say. When that happens you almost feel a sense of elation over the fact that someone is actually listening to you.
 
(*yawn* what?)
 
Not funny.
 
(It was a little funny….)
 
Ok, fine. It was a little funny. Seriously, though, how wonderful is it to speak to someone and have them look in your eyes to indicate to you they are truly listening? They will offer their own experience, opinion, or question on the topic and then *gasp* you're having an intelligent conversation! Give and take, back and forth, leading to additional topics, things in common, and respected differences. It's a fulfilling moment, that mutual discourse.
 
(Yes, it is.  Where are you going with this?)
 
Patience, grasshopper. I'm getting there. Those interactions are great, and comprise a good part of our social interaction. However, most conversations don't follow that path, because too often the other party falls into one of four categories of conversationalists that make you want to smack your head, shake your head, or worse, smack and shake theirs. Oh, and incidentally… if you're not sure which of you in the conversation falls into the categories listed below, chances are it's you. But not me. Because I don't do things
 
(Never?)
  
Nope.
 
(*coughcoughbullsh*tcoughcough*)
 
I… hey! Ok, maybe sometimes. So let this post serve as a guide to identifying these categorical nitwits and avoiding becoming one of them. They are, in no particular order, the One-Upper, the Debbie-Downer, the Mmm-Hmmer, and the Arguer.
 
1.         The One-Upper. Everyone knows one of these. No matter what you've done, they've done it better or faster. If you've spoken to someone famous, they've spoken to someone even more famous. If you have a cool TV, theirs is bigger and sharper and 3D sharks with lasers come right into your living room!
 
(Hehehe… sharks with lasers… Austin Powers rocks.)
 
I know, hence the reference. Anyway, it doesn't matter what it is, but One-Uppers always and forever must be better, stronger, louder, prettier, smarter, I-done-it-better-than-you. If you have a scar from a bike accident, they have a bigger one they got while motorcycling down Mt. Kilimanjaro with the Dali Lama.  If you had an appendectomy, they had their spleen removed by MacGyver on a moving, dirty city bus and he did it with a pocket knife, paper clip, some anti-bacterial hand sanitizer and a shoelace. My life experience is not a competition. If I'm sharing something with you it's because I wanted to share it with you, or you asked about it. If you tell me I look thinner and I say "thank you, I have lost a little weight," it's not an open invitation to hear about how you dropped two more sizes than I did. Good for you. You know what else you should lose? The childish practice of always having to do one better.
 
(I lost a little weight too. How did you do it?)
 
Yes! Exactly! Appropriate response. And I did it by exercise and diet. Point being, we're not contestants on The Biggest Loser. Although, keep up the one-upping, and the bigger loser you indeed will be.
 
2.         The Debbie-Downer. Who hasn't had a conversation like the following one? [And since we haven't used them as examples in a while, we turn to our favorite, illustrative cavemen, Grog and Croog.]
 
Grog:   "Oof Croog! Ufgh arg ggah urf bor!"
            [Translation: Look, Croog, I have killed this boar!"]
 
Croog: "*sigh* argh eff mastdonder fggghd meef arfv sper."
            [Translation: *sigh* A mastodon broke my favorite spear."]
 
*awkward silence*
 
Grog:   *THUMP* [hits Croog in head with club]
 
Ok, maybe your conversations don't end up with head-thumping, but don't you wish they did? Seriously! How often will you be casually talking, having a good laugh, when Kilroy McKilljoy pipes up with a "my girlfriend dumped me" or "my cat ran away" or something to that effect? Don't make me go all Bobby McFerrin on you’re a$$. If you're upset about something, we can respect that. But Debbie-downing to make yourself the center of attention is just as bad as one-upping. If someone tells you happy news, be appreciative. If you need to talk about something troubling you, let that person know, subtly, and don't drag everyone else into your drama.
 
(Don't worry, be happ… Oh you son of a b*tch.)
 
*snicker* Have fun singing that all day….
 
3.         The Mmm-Hmmer. I almost dislike the Mmm-Hmmer more than the One-Upper. Nothing screams condescension more than the "I am going to hold my chin pretentiously, nod and make "mmm-hmm" noises the whole time you're speaking without really acknowledging, accepting or understanding what you're saying" gesture. You look like a prick, you're acting like a prick, and everyone can see that you are looking and acting like a prick. Don't be a prick. You know what I'm saying?
 
(Mmm-hmm.)
 
Why I oughtta….
 
(You had that coming, Mr. "let me tell you 'bout a song I wrote….")
 
Touché, pussycat. Moving on… last and certainly not least, we have
 
4.         The Arguer. Do not speak to the Arguer. Don't even make eye contact. Because no matter what you say, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong, and you'll be forced to stand there and hear all about your wrongy wrongnessness.
 
(Really, with the fake words again?)
 
Don't argue with me!
 
(Hehehe this is too easy today….)
 
Grrrr. ANYWHOOS…. I hate conversations like this, although I must admit they've become a lot more tolerable now that Google, or your search engine of choice, is available at your fingertips. Imagine this conversation:
 
Me:                  Don't Stop Believin' was released in 1981.
 
Arguer:            Not it wasn't.
 
Me:                  Yes, it was.
 
Arguer:            No. It was released in 1980. I know because there was the Miracle on Ice and that  sportscaster said 'do you believe in miracles?' and they played Don't Stop Believin'.
 
Me:                  *picks up phone, searches Google, holds up phone* It was 1981.
 
Arguer:            Well, that's wrong. It must have been released early or something, because I remember it….
 
Ok, first of all, you were seven years old in 1980. You didn't even know who Journey was yet. And second, it was RELEASED IN 1981. Why does everything have to be an argumentative debate? Don't Stop Believin' was released in 1981, Han did not shoot first, he was the only one to shoot, and that-which-should-not-be-called-a-Cherokee is a boil on the face of auto manufacturing.
 
(Bloody hell. Let. It. GO.)
 
 Let it go... Let it go… I am one with the wind and sky….
 
(I swear to God if you keep this up with the ear-worm songs I am going to cut you.)
 
Hehehe let that be a lesson to you then. Wanna one-up? Bring me down? Argue? Mmm hmm me? Bring it. Mess with the master and see what happens.
 
(I… am just gonna keep my mouth shut.)
 
Then there's hope for you yet.
 
 
© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.