Late Night Reflections

I like to think I'm creative. Whether people are reading stories, songs or poetry I post here, or a simple, one-line Facebook status update, I am often asked how I come up with some of the things I write. Generally I have no better answer than to tell them "I just do." Thoughts and ideas fill my mind, I give them words, and I give them to you. That's it.

One of the unfortunate side effects of possessing a mind that functions such as mine is the fact that it rarely, if ever, turns off. Like those of an automatic watch while on my wrist, my mind's gears are in perpetual motion. Constantly turning, never stopping, my mind races as if it fears it won't reach its destination unless it is running. I'm sure you can imagine that having such a condition is difficult at times. It causes lapses in concentration, lack of focus, and worst of all, insomnia.

Last night was one of those nights. I lay in bed staring upward as what little light that trickled in from the neighbor's porch reflected of the spinning blades of the ceiling fan. After a while the image blurs, and if you blink you swear you can see each blade, moving in slow motion, carrying with it a dream, idea, or emotion. Round and round they spin until the swirling thoughts wind themselves into a vortex in your head and you spend the rest of the night, and well into the morning, trying to untangle the twine of thought.

What was I thinking about, you ask? Everything, and nothing. Love. Destiny. Heartache. Elation. Betrayal. Loyalty. Determination. Forgiveness. Fear. An emotional gambit to try and figure out my life. As you can imagine, it was wholly unsuccessful.

 But was it? I was able to come to some conclusions, though their impact on my life still remains unclear. If any one thought sticks out, it is that life is indeed too short. No matter what you want to accomplish, there seldom seems enough hours in the day in which to accomplish anything worthwhile. So we second guess, question, and worry. Why? None of these activities serve any purpose other than to confuse. And then you become afraid, of many things. Failure, mostly.

I look back on my life and yes, I fear that I have failed at a great many things. It is often the quiet words spoken by a friend that remind me, however, that I am no failure. I'm reminded that the things I've done when taken together make me worthwhile. That comforts me, and I am grateful. I strive to return the favor, or to pay it forward, as much as I can, but I fear I fail in that endeavor and the cycle starts all over again.

It is through that fear, though, that I am liberated. I'm afraid I won't succeed. I'm afraid to love as deeply as I'd like to. I'm afraid that my efforts will be wasted, or given in vain. Once you realize the fear within you though, something extraordinary happens, and you're struck with an epiphany – You really do have nothing to lose.

So what if I am not as successful as perhaps I want to be? I am healthy. I have a circle of family and friends that love me. I will be supported, and if I fall I will not remain on the ground long. If I love, and that love ends, I will feel the stinging pain of loss. It will pass in time. Is fear of that pain reason enough to never love again? Certainly not.

Sometimes you must simply trust. Let your guard down. Face the fear, brace for rejection, and revel when that fear is unfounded. So much has happened in my life in the last several years. Some of it wonderful, some of it unbearable, but all of it served to make me the man writing these words now. I am who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

So with these words, I declare this to you – My guard is down. My eyes are open, and my arms spread wide. Come what may, I cannot stop it. Whether it is any of the things I mentioned above, those enigmas that filled my mind last night, I invite them. Mold me. Shape me. Affect me. Do what you will. I will not fight it. I may not like it. I may love it. I may loathe it with every fiber of my being, or weep tears of joy, but it is my life. I'm opening it to you.

I know what and who I am. I am capable, yet I am helpless. I am both strong and weak, and I make no apologies. I have a heart to give, for the one who will accept it. I have laughter to share, and the need for solace when there are those times I lose faith. I am like all others, unique in myself. I'm here. I'm me.

What are you?

© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.