What Every Fan Needs To Know About Football

            Well, October is upon us, and we are now one-quarter of the way through the 2012-2013 NFL football season. Yes, I know this is a little late in coming. Please forgive me, as my mind has been occupied with other extremely important things (like trying to confuse people with my status updates on Facebook, that whole “work” thing, and general neurosis). Not that those things don’t still currently occupy the chasm of my psyche, mind you, but after watching several football games, it has become clear that people need this guide. So, I figured I might as well refresh everyone’s memory about football watching protocol in Western New York. Feel free to tweak this fan’s guide for your particular football market, but remember: this is copyrighted, so even if you tweak it I still own the rights. You can send your royalty payments to me through PayPal.  

Fan’s Guide to Football – Western New York Edition 2012

1.         Regardless of location or temperature, you will prepare a pot of chili on the first Sunday of football season. This is non-negotiable. September + Football = Chili. And none of that “vegetarian” or “white” stuff, either. Chili has meat, and tomatoes. I will reluctantly give you a pass if you substitute chicken or turkey, so long as the chili is red and has ground/shredded meat in it. If you even dare claim that your “chili” contains “tofu,” your punishment will be to inhale deeply from a 340 pound defensive lineman’s shoe after an overtime game he has just played in humid, 86 degree weather. (For reference, see the “Bad Things, Man!” 1990’s era television commercial featuring the late, great Dennis Hopper, God rest his shoe-sniffing soul.)

2.         The combination of beer and donuts is perfectly acceptable for breakfast under the following circumstances: a) you are tailgating; and b) ok, that’s pretty much it. I mean really, if you’re having beer and donuts for breakfast and you’re not tailgating, you may very well have a drinking problem. SIDEBAR: I do not recommend the combination of Labatt’s Blue Light and a peanut butter cream filled donut. Trust me on this one. Glazed rings, crullers, and fry-cakes are your best pairings with lagers or IPA’s. If it’s the darker, heavier bouquets you enjoy, say of a Guinness or other stout/porter, chocolate glazed rings are preferable.

3.         If attending a game in person, or a game-watching party outside of your home, or… you know what? If you are watching a game, period, do not, not, NOT wear a football jersey unless the team, whose jersey you’re wearing, is playing in the game that you are watching. Wearing a Giants jersey to a Bills game when they’re not playing the Giants doesn’t make you “hip” or “cool” or “edgy.” It makes you a “dork,” “dweeb,” or “about to get you a$$ kicked.” This rule generally applies to all sports. If the team ain’t there, then that jersey? Don’t wear. (Note to grammar police: Stuff it. If the words don’t fit, rely on wit. ) The only possible exception to this rule is if the jersey you own is from another team, but of a player that currently plays for one of the teams you’re watching. We understand jerseys are expensive.

4.         Fat, drunk guy: You are not impressing anyone, least of all the ladies, by going shirtless in the middle of December. Or at any time. Ever. Trust when I say this: No one, not even your mother, finds that the least bit attractive, or amusing. If I wanted to see naked, fat, man bellies I would go… well, no where, because I have no desire to ever see naked, fat, man bellies. No one does. Put on a shirt, moron.

5.         Ladies: Please don’t not hold up signs that say “[Cute Quarterback De Jour] – Marry Me!” He is not going to marry you simply because you held up a sign asking him to do so. Besides - would you really want to marry him if his dating criteria were that low? It’s not like he’s got an eHarmony profile that says “Must propose via fluorescent pink cardboard stock, and glitter. Psychological stability and personal hygiene, optional.”

6.         Neither caviar, nor filet mignon, is permissible football fare. It’s FOOTBALL. I don’t care if you’re tailgating in a muddy parking lot, partying in a Winnebago, or arriving at the game in a limo. It matters not whether you are watching the game at home, in the nosebleeds, or in a luxury suite: it’s FOOTBALL. Your food should come out of a plastic bag/container, out of a pot or fryer, or off a grill. Your beverage should come out of a bottle/can with a label that says something like “Pepsi” or “Beer” or “Jim Beam.” (Note: Baked/broiled foods such as wings, burgers and dogs are acceptable during winter games in Western New York, however, die-hard fans still grill in winter.)

7.         While on the subject, if you’re going to be a sissy and complain about the cold, stay home. Seriously, people. It’s BUFFALO. New York. If you can’t stand the lack of heat, get in the kitchen. Watch the game on your tiny, under-the-counter mounted television. Unless, of course, you’re one of those snooty rich people with a TV screen on the door of your refrigerator, in which case you’re probably eating caviar, thus I refer you to rule number 6, above.

8.         Leaving early is not acceptable unless your team is enjoying a lead of at least 24 points or more with less than four minutes remaining in the fourth quarter and has at least two time-outs remaining. Just ask the thousands of people that left early on a blustery Sunday afternoon in January many moons ago, when the Buffalo Bills mounted an improbably comeback to defeat the Houston Oilers. People were literally trying to scale the stadium walls to get back in. I know. I was there. And I stayed until the end, together with the other members of Frank’s Fun Bunch. (You know who you are.)

9.         In this day and age, despite the intense rivalry shared amongst many teams in the league, we are a tolerant bunch here, and happily count both mixed-football marriages and those that root for other teams amongst our friends. We even still like those that cheer for those cheating astard-bays in New England, or the fish in Miami. (YOU know who YOU are… hugs!) 

And lastly, and most importantly for football fans in Western New York:

10.       It is ok to cry. We know. We get it. We’ve been Bills fans since we were old enough to hold a football. We remember when they switched to red helmets because Joe Ferguson allegedly had trouble distinguishing his receivers from the defenders. We suffered through the 2-14 years, the shame of OJ, and continued to hold out hope even after “Wide-Right” and the “Music City Miracle.” We stood by the Bills even when they hired a coach named Mularkey and let Rob Johnson start as quarterback. We are a devoted bunch. Delusional, but devoted.

[As an aside – I have no idea why I often refer to myself in the third-person plural at times in this post, so don’t ask me why I did it.]

 

© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.