Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Star Wars*

*And by Star Wars I mean, with the exception of one small reference to Attack of the Clones, the original trilogy. Because the prequel trilogy was, by and large, crap. It was. Don’t deny it.

Here are some simple life lessons I have gleaned from one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time. Learn them. Love them. Embrace them. (And NO, The Matrix trilogy does not even come close to earning a place on the list of all-time greatest trilogies, for the simple reason that it stars Keanu "can't act his way out of a paper bag" Reeves.)

• It’s always better to have furry friends.  Sometimes they’re not that bright; sometimes they get in the way; they’re dirty on occasion; and often it takes them a while to warm up to you. But once they do, you have a loyal companion for life. They will comfort you, stand by your side no matter what, lay down their lives for you, and even fly a spaceship to a desert planet to rescue you from a giant space slug. Of course, at first they might try to rip your arms out of their sockets, or eat you, but, in the end, they will snuggle up to you and make you smile.

• If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Ok, let’s get something straight right now: Han did not shoot "first." Han was the ONLY one to shoot, period, end of story. Lucas is full of sh*t in saying otherwise. There was no reason to change the iconic scene in which Han Solo shot Greedo other than to bow down to the pressure of political correctness. To alter the scene thirty years later dilutes the film and is wholly, utterly and without question the ultimate hypocrisy on George Lucas’s part. (Lest we forget that, just a couple years later, Lucas, a producer of Raiders of the Lost Ark, condoned the use of a scene in which Indiana Jones, played by the SAME EXACT ACTOR who played Han Solo no less, takes out a revolver and shoots an Egyptian swordsman in cold blood. I bet you never really thought about “Cantina-gate” from that perspective, have you?) Simply put: Don’t change something just because you can, or to give in to peer or political pressure. However…

• Not all change is bad. The aforementioned retelling of the Cantina Encounter? Bad. Inserting some cool, close up CGI of X-Wing fighters en route to the Death Star? Good. Adding a musical number to the "Jabba’s Palace" scene? Seriously, what the f*ck, George. Adding background landscape to Cloud City? Cool. The point is, not all change is bad, so long as it is done for the right reason and you use your discretion in making changes. For example, getting a new haircut or changing your wardrobe to update your look? Good change. Changing your appearance or wardrobe to impress someone else? Bad change. Correcting self destructive behavior through therapy? That makes you a more self aware, balanced individual. Pimping out your Honda Civic with a spoiler and over-sized tailpipe? That makes you a douche bag.

• It’s not necessarily a bad thing if a child fights with his/her parents. Granted, not every child blows up his father’s house or chops his dad’s hand off with a laser sword, but… there’s conflict. That’s ok. The family turmoil generally gets resolved, and a parent’s love typically comes through in the end. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and a child always getting along with his/her parent may not be ideal, either. For example, Jango Fett was a mean, mean dude, died fighting the wrong fight, and his offspring Boba grew up to be an unscrupulous, murdering bounty hunter that got eaten by a whatever-the-hell-that-thing was.  Point being, even a bad parent can be a good parent in the end, but there are those that are just evil, will get their heads lopped off by Samuel L. Jackson, and have kids that unfortunately turn out to be just like them. How you choose to shape your relationship with your parent/child is in your hands. It’s ok if you don’t always get along. Just remember, Karma is watching. You don’t need Director Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. going all Guillotine on you. (You do, however, need to listen to him read “Go the F*** to Sleep,” because that is some funny sh*t, right there.)

• Size matters not. (Just gonna leave that one alone.)

• Everyone needs a scoundrel in their life. Seriously. You can’t live too straight-laced of a life. If you do you, will forever be burdened by stress, tension, anxiety and general persnickety-ness. (It’s a word. Shut it.) You need that one friend/lover with the mischievous smile that says “watch this,” or “never tell me the odds.” Sure, you can take a walk on the wild side by yourself, but let’s face it: The journey is much more fun when you take it with someone who can corroborate your alibi, hoist you over the fence, or bail you out of a tough situation. Plus, the scoundrel usually has razor sharp wit, a generous helping of sarcasm, and just enough bad luck to keep things entertaining.

• Tolerance is good. Intolerance is bad.  Take a look at the Rebel Alliance: It takes in people (using the term generally, here) of all races, colors, creeds, breeds, body shapes, creatures with multiple arms, and something that resembles what would happen if Mickey Mouse and a Shar Pei had offspring. All are welcome, none are turned away. They even accept those of different persuasion. (You know who I am talking about – they are the most famous, on-screen, ambiguously gay duo in big-screen, cinematic history. And C-3PO is clearly the diva. Seriously. He’s constantly whining about everything, criticizing his partner, always wearing a shiny half-shirt with his midriff exposed….) The Empire? Aging white men. That’s pretty much it. And how well, exactly, has that worked out through history? Yeah, thought so.  Lastly,

• Appreciate what you have while you have it. Ok, so your vehicle may not look like much, it it’s got it where it counts, and will get you where you need to go and keep you safe in a dangerous situation. Always tell the people you love that you love them: you never know when you might lose them (or when they might get cryogenically frozen, requiring you to cross-dress and sneak into a seedy joint to thaw them out). Accept help when it is offered, even if you don’t think you need it or it comes from an unlikely source. If you’re blessed with the ability to do good, do good. And if a tiny, odd-looking, big-eared person with a cane gives you advice? Take it. They have years of experience on you, and usually know what they’re talking about. Just don’t sit next to them at dinner, because they will inevitably make you eat something you don’t want to eat.

      (Oh, and for the love of… don’t kiss your sister. Ick)

© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.