The Tie that Bind...ers... Women... Wha?

Ok, I know I generally don’t weigh in on things political, BUT… I will make an exception here: Binder full of women??? And before you get all over my case for not focusing on the hard hitting issues that we as Americans face, yadda, yadda, blah, blah blah, remember this: This is a literary blog full of cynicism, sarcasm and satire. If you want poignant political commentary, go to Fox News or watch the Rachel Madow show.

(BWAAAAA HAAAA HAAAA!!! I know. I couldn’t write that with a straight face any more than you could read it with one.)

So let’s get to the heart of the issue. A binder full of women. What, exactly, are we talking about here? Three-ring? Trapper Keeper? Or one of those folders with the annoying black plastic binding thingy with the flimsy, little clips that always come out of the little rectangular holes in the paper? Or are we talking more in the literal sense? A binder of women, like, say, a certain political candidate we’ll call “Glove” running around with a creepy grin on his face and handfuls of zip-ties and bungee chords? Wait, ewwww. Someone fetch me a giant pencil. (Sidebar: The giant pencil is for the purpose of poking out my mind’s eye to eliminate that image from my head.)(Side-Sidebar: Yes, I stole the “poking out my mind’s eye” line from Frasier.) (Side-Side-Sidebar: This is in no way meant to suggest that Glove would do anything of the sort. Unless he’s into that sort of thing. Which we don’t know. Or care to. Ewww. Pencil. Dammit, I did it to myself.)

Now that we’ve penciled, I’m going to stick to my original theory and guess that it looks something like this:

So the question remains… why, in this day and age, would anyone still use a binder? This hearkens back to the days of the “little black book,” or a Rolodex containing contact information for “lady friends.” (The cards with the bent corners are the ones who are “hot to trot.” If you know what I mean. *wink wink*)

Glove, Glove, Glove… It’s 2012. The twenty-first century. We don’t keep women in binders anymore! We keep them in our Facebook friends list! We keep them in our iPhones, iPads, and androids! (Actually, if the women were “in” androids, I suspect a large portion of the male population wouldn’t venture out of the house.) Notice I didn’t say Blackberries. Seriously. Blackberries are soooo 2007.

So get with the times, man. Put your women in an iPhone. Better yet, maybe you could even have a Galaxy full of women! Now that would be something. I understand, though. Because of the campaign and whatnot, I’m sure you’re on a budget. Just do women a favor, would you? Splurge on the Trapper Keeper. That way they’ll be better protected from the elements, and there’s a pocket for a calculator so they can keep themselves amused by spelling 07734 (imagine the 4 as it appears on a calculator, and read upside down), or better yet… 58008. *snicker*

Sorry, some things will just always be funny.

© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.