Forty-Seven and Counting: a 2020 Birthday Introspective

 

This post is about a month overdue. Not because I was being lazy, or was too busy, or didn't want to write it, mind you. If you've been a regular reader over the years then you know that every year I try to choose a song as the basis for my annual birthday reflection and introspection. I had started giving this some thought well before my birthday last month, but I simply couldn't find the right words this year.

2020 has been without a doubt an incredibly trying and difficult year thus far. The global health crisis has clouded nearly everything I've done, from my regular employment, to my work with That Hashtag Show, to personal and business travel, right down to my roles as father and husband. Personally, this past year has been, remarkably, positive. Just in the last six months alone we were able to take a beach vacation just before the world shut down. Likewise, we sold our home and moved to a new one with more space for our growing family. And yes, growing, it is; come November we'll welcome our second daughter into our family. That all sounds positive, right? It is, of course. But… Trying to maintain such positivity in a world of such uncertainty is no easy task for anyone. For someone like me, the quintessential, anxiety-ridden worrier, it's been even more taxing.

I have, hopefully, managed things better than perhaps I would have in years past had I experienced these same circumstances. Finding the right inspiration, however, and determining the right vehicle with which to express the past year of my life in such a conflagration of events? There aren't too many songs out that that can adequately aid me in expressing it all. But then, today, it hit me. The words I've chosen are likely going to come as a shocking surprise to many of you. For this year's birthday introspection as I've now turned forty-seven years old, I turn to Eminem's Not Afraid.  

 I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid (yeah)

To take a stand, it's been a ride

Everybody, I guess I had to

Go to that place

To get to this one

Now some of you

Might still be in that place

If you're tryin' to get out

Just follow me

I'll get you there

Those close to me know that for years I struggled, and to some extent still struggle against the unseen demon of self-doubt. The term "rock bottom" is cliché, admittedly, but how else do you describe the lowest point to which you sink before ascending to a place of genuine peace? My journey was years in the making, but I've finally, in the last couple of years, managed to situate myself upon a plateau built upon the perseverance it took to get there. I have a loving wife, beautiful home, and amazing daughter, none of which would have been possible had I not found the strength to accept it all. And as I do with my parenting blog, and other writings, I still strive to let others know that you're not alone out there. If you can't find your own words, take solace in mine. I was able to break free; so can you. And if you can't, I'll do what I can to help.

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em

'Cause ain't no way I'm a let you stop me from causin' mayhem

When I say I'm a do somethin' I do it

I don't give a damn what you think

I'm doin' this for me, so fuck the world, feed it beans

It's gassed up, if it thinks it's stoppin' me

ls out of him

 For so long I let the fear of other's opinions, or worse, their rejections, hold me back from truly finding myself and being happy. I had to fight against my own debilitating instinct to force myself to move forward, to have faith, or pride, in myself and what I can do. I still have difficulty with that sometimes, but generally I'm able to keep pushing on. I wanted to write a blog; I wanted to further my career; I wanted to be part of a business and find a loving wife and raise a family and Goddamnit all to hell, I've done. But there's still so much more for me to accomplish. And I'm going to, one way or another. 

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me, I'm tearin' down your balcony

No if, ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he

From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album he's still shittin'

Whether he's on salary, paid hourly, until he bows out or he shits his boweWhichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt

And fuck the whole universe

Sure, Eminen's words here are a bit more graphic than those I'd chose, but I write them here, unedited, because the lesson I take from them is an important one. I'm going to be, and achieve, what I set out to be and achieve because who's right is it other than my own to stop me from doing so? I'm going to continue on and do what I can to continually make myself a better me, no matter what happens. There are going to be highs, and there are going to be lows. I have to find the confidence to accept and face it all.  

 Refrain:

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)

To take a stand (to take a stand)

Everybody (everybody)

Come take my hand come (come take my hand)

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just letting you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

Walking this road I'm on, however, is not a journey that I have to take alone. That's another hard lesson I've learned. As much as I try to remind others that they're not alone, I must constantly remind myself that I'm not alone, either. I shouldn't, and can't, walk this path alone. It's together that we collectively find the strength to rise up to be better versions of ourselves. There are times I need help, just like you. Don't ever be afraid to ask for it.  

 Okay quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap

I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap

You said you was king

You lied through your teeth, for that fuck your feelings

Instead of gettin' crowned you're gettin' capped, and to the fans

I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise

In fact, let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD was eh

Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't goin' back to that now

All I'm tryin' to say is get back, click-clack, blow 'cause I ain't playin' around

It's a game called circle and I don't know how

I'm way too up to back down

But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin' black cloud

Still follows me around but it's time to exercise these demons

These muh'fuckers are doin' jumpin' jacks now

Self-healing is cyclical. As much as you think you've got it figured out, and believe you're on top of what's held you back, there are times you're just… not. I've been betrayed. Not necessarily because of the betrayer but because of my own naiveté in placing my test in them in the first place. My own misguidance has, unfortunately, led me to disappointment. Not only disappointment in myself, but in others' disappointment of me. I like to think I've escape that trap, and the vow I give to myself and those that love me is that I will do whatever I can to never fall into that trap again. Sure, my own black cloud continues to darken my sky from time to time. That doesn't mean my life will always be full of rain. In many ways, and in many more to come, I've been able to make my demons dance.

 Refrain

 And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today

I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons

I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now (now)

Once you get to that low point, and the light begins to creep back in, you realize that there's nothing you want more than to rip the curtains free to bathe in it. I got fed up with who I was and the direction in which I was headed. Despite a few missteps and detours, I'll continue to fight the demons that claw at me. I've worked too hard and for too long to find me again. I'm not letting go now.

 It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally

For you, so I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't realize what you did, believe me you

I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers and drop dead

No more bee flingers, no more drama from now on

I promise to focus solely on handlin' my responsibilities as a father

So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters and raise it

You couldn't lift a single shingle on it, 'cause the way I feel

I'm strong enough to go to the club or the corner pub

And lift the whole liquor counter up 'cause I'm raising the bar

I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazin' at stars, I feel amazing and I'm not…

 I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)

To take a stand (to take a stand)

Everybody (Everybody)

Come take my hand come (Come take my hand)

We'll walk this road together, through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just letting you know that, you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

There's one common truth that, when you're in a position of pain, you often refuse to believe: to get "clean" you have to want it, and work towards it, for yourself first and foremost. Others cannot make you happy. That's something I was incapable of understand for a long, long time. Once I was finally able to grasp that notion, things began to fall into place. Still…. There will always be that part of you below the surface that longs to please others. It won't control you, though, if you're able to recognize it, and realize that it cannot be the basis for your happiness. Thankfully I have an amazing wife who continues to help see me through those periods of darkness that still hover like that dark cloud from time to time. I've never in my life felt such love and support. Together, we have a daughter, soon to be two, to raise. Distracted as I may become, my solemn vow is to always be the best husband to my wife, and father to my daughters, that I can be. Part of that is recognizing that, at times, I may not be the best husband father, but still knowing that so long as I do the very best I can, it will always be enough.

So thank you, one and all, family, friend, and stranger, who have joined me on yet another year's journey. The love, support, friendship, empathy, cynicism, sarcasm, and camaraderie you've shared with me is a part of me. I will never cease telling you how much that means to me, because it is so very true.

Another year has passed; let's see what this next one has in store.

xoxo

J