Forty-Six Yesterdays: Birthday Introspective 2019

Well here we are, my friends. Another year has come and gone. As seems to be par for the course these last several years, my latest journey around the sun has been nothing short of extraordinary. I don't necessarily mean that it in a positive way, however. That's not to say it's been a bad year, either. It's simply been… extraordinary, as in exceptionally different from the norm. This past year was my first full year as a parent, don't forget. At this time last year my little peanut decided I needed to stay home with her… with my first case of pink eye since the Carter administration (no joke). This year she's running and jumping off furniture and saying two-word sentences and… holy shit. What a difference a year makes.

This past year has also seen me experience some extraordinary things on the employment front, too. Things occurred to temporarily change the focus of my legal career, and not in manner that I'd prefer. Let's just say some of what's happening these days is not what I signed up for twenty years ago. And that side venture in which I got involved last year roughly around this time? Well, that's something extraordinary in and of itself. So how do I chronicle this past year of my life in song, as I've taken to doing every year since my fortieth birthday with A Pirate Looks at Forty?

This year will mark the first time since I've begun this particular endeavour that I will turn to a band/musician for a second time. While I try to generally use a different artist each year, this year… Yesterday from the Imagine Dragons just seemed to fit.

(Refrain)

Here's to my future
Here's to my yesterday
Here's to change
Oh, here's to my yesterday
No tomorrow without a yesterday
Here's to my future
Goodbye to yesterday

This last year has certainly delivered upon me a fair share of change. From parenting and watching my daughter grow, to beginning new ventures and entering into new relationships, my life has been anything but static. So much of what's happened, and what is to come for me, is obviously the direct result of the decisions I've made and actions I've taken in my "yesterday". I would not be where I am, nor will be able to follow the path I've chosen, without the consciousness of my past. Change is frightening, terrifying, even, but there are those times when you just have to bid the past adieu and look forward. My tomorrow is, quite honestly, uncertain. Notwithstanding, I know with the love and support of my wife, daughter, and all of my family and friends, I'll not face that tomorrow alone. The past few years, yesterdays, have been challenging, for certain. Notwithstanding, they have, for the first time in a long time, led me to look to the future with optimism.

All these years I've been searching
For who I'm supposed to be
All this time I've been wasting
'Cause I was right in front of me

This past year has been exceptionally eye-opening in the sense that I at least feel like I'm being the me I have been at my core for so long. For whatever, and for numerous, irrational reasons, I was afraid, reluctant, and unable to let the person I was supposed to be truly free. Part of that was my own personal inhibition. Compounding that was a lack of genuine support from the partner in my life prior to finding the right one for me. Please know this, though, and this is intimately important for me to say, and for you readers to understand: I can never be grateful enough for the support that you have given me in writing this blog for as many years as I have. You have helped me become the writer I am, and to grow within, learn about, explore and understand myself. This past year, however, is when things really began to resonate with acute focus. I've been searching for myself for a long time, and I am finally finding me.

(Refrain II)
Oh, it's a crooked old tradition
By a masterful magician
But in all this trouble I've met
I haven't got one single regret, no

It's an odd concept, self-reflection. It can very well lead you down a crooked path if you're not careful. Too often people find themselves mired in the past, unable to step forward from the shadows of regret. I've met my fair share of trouble. Failed relationships, lost friends, poor decisions… you name it. There was a time I was filled with compunction. Part of me probably still feels the pangs of regret, but far less so than that to which I had ashamedly become accustomed. Everything that has happened in my past, in my yesterday, has led me to this present. And in this present I'm a father, husband, lawyer, writer, entertainment journalist, Jeep driver, homeowner, and a dog dad. How can I now regret that?

(Refrain)

Oh, I'm a hopeless crash collision
'Cause I'm a hostage to my pride
And by my own volition
I've been a saint, I've been the truth, I've been the lie

I've made my fair share of mistakes. And let's be honest: I'm not finished making them. There have been those times I've been for myself what I need. Like the saint upon my shoulder, I have managed to be the guiding force I've needed for to be for me in order to steer my life in the right direction. So too have I been the unabashed truth when perhaps I would have otherwise desired to fall into fantasy. Truth is, at times, and more often that perhaps we'd like… ugly. I can't continue to grow as a person, a writer, a father, or a husband, without recognizing the truth about myself. It's the truth of who I've been, the things I've done, and the things I've failed to do. And yes, I've even been the lie. I've convinced myself of things when reason clearly dictated I believe otherwise. I've become someone I never should have been because I told myself I should have been, needed to be that person. I'd be lying if my pride didn't play a role in those past misgivings, or that it won't factor in the mistakes I'm bound to make in the future. At least now, perhaps, I can recognize the role my pride plays, and adapt accordingly.

(Refrain II)

(Refrain)

A new day you can go, you can do
Anything you wanna
It's your play, swing low, go high
Anywhere you wanna
You can reach for the moon
Anywhere your dreams could take you
Go astray, fade away
Just leave it to yesterday

I'm fortunate enough to have been able to learn from my past. I can accept those parts of it that have caused me pain, or had previously prevented me from moving forward. I appreciate my past because it is an indelible part of me. But I cannot use the past an excuse for not seeking to achieve, to be, more. There are things I yet wish to do. There are journeys, including the physical, metaphysical, emotional and intellectual, upon which I still wish to embark. And you know what? Fuck what anyone says, if they say I can't. I am thankful every day for my wife and partner who say in me a potential that I could only glimpse from the corners of my mind. She's helped me to release ambitions, aspirations, and elations I once thought fanciful or unattainable. Sure, I may wander astray while seeking to realize them, but you know that? That's okay. I still have to remind myself of that fact sometimes, but it is okay. There's no fault in getting lost. I forgot that for a long time, and I still struggle with the notion. But it's still… okay.

Here's to my future
Here's to my yesterday
Here's to change
Oh, here's to my yesterday
No tomorrow without a yesterday
Here's to my future
Goodbye to yesterday
Yesterday

I approach my forty-sixth birthday having learned more, experienced more, and having become more in the last year than I ever have previously. Parenthood, marriage, love, friendship and family all came together this past year in a cacophony. For as many words as I write, I'll never find those strong or succinct enough to adequately articulate just what those around me, including those reading this post, mean to me. I'll never be able to convey the importance you all have in my life. You've helped me face a yesterday I'd like to forget. Still, you've helped me create a yesterday I never wish to forget. And you continue to help me forge a path forward towards a tomorrow I eagerly await with anticipation.

I'm getting older. I can't help that. It's how I approach aging, however, that dictates how old I feel. In some ways I'm still very much embroiled in the youth of a man in the midst of discovery. It’s a magical place to be. Turning forty-six is something… but not everything. I have a whole lot more everything than my age.

Thanks for sticking around, and helping me to be me.

Bless,

JJ