The Cult of Unoriginality

Someone once said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Someone was wrong.

 

(Uh oh. This is going to be one of those posts, isn't it?)

 

Pretty much, yeah.

 

(Crap. Let me get my coffee….)

 

I love movies. I am a movie buff, movie junkie, movie aficionado…. But holy carp, Hollywood. Can you maybe perhaps possibly create some original works and stop regurgitating old movies? No more re-branding. No more reboots. No more straight-up copies of originals from years past. Remember the Cult of Personality? We need a new cult. The Cult of Originality.

 

Ghostbusters; Fantastic Four; Point Break; Magnificent Seven; Road House, to name a few. For f*ck's sake, can you people not come up with a new idea?

 

(Why you be hatin'?)

 

Why you be talkin' Walmart? Look, my point is this, and I paraphrase from Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park: you shouldn't do something just because you can do something. Look no further than the aforementioned Ghostbusters. There is no way in hot hoppin' Hades I am seeing that movie.

 

(Why? Because the new cast is made up of women?)

 

No. It has nothing to do with the fact that the cast of main characters are now women. It has to do with the facts that 1) the original Ghostbusters was an iconic classic because of its innovation, incredible cast, and originality; and 2) there is absolutely no reason to remake that film other than the fact that the greedy money-grubbing execs in Hollywood want to grub more money from movie-goers. And stupid movie-goers will pay to see this film.

 

(Hey now….)

 

Give me one good, legitimate reason to remake that film rather than doing something new and original.

 

(I…uh...umm…dammit.)

 

See? There is none. And after watching the previews I'm even more convinced. The CGI is overbearing and cartoonish, the casting is more than questionable, and just based on what I've seen thus far, the movie will prove the notion that some things just don't need to be remade. Granted this is my opinion, but I know I share it with many others.

 

For one thing, I do not like Melissa McCarthy. I don't find her amusing, generally, but my reason for not liking her is her hypocrisy: she can go online and to events and claim that she doesn't care about body image, preach acceptance to young women, blah blah blah, but she's made a career out of exploiting her own body image. Because that's a great message to send to young woman: Be who you are! Don't worry about what other people think! Me, oh, I'm just going to star in a bunch of TV shows and movies in which I make fun of and exploit the very body image I'm telling you to be proud of, because, you know, fat is funny.

 

(That's a little harsh….)

 

But it's also true. I dislike stars that exploit themselves and send mixed messages. I dislike stars that promote one ideal and then star in films that perpetuate the stereotypes they champion against in real life. That's why I don't like her, and that's one of the reasons why I will never go see the new Ghostbusters. Or anything in which she stars. But I digress….

 

Now granted, the people who say this remake will ruin their childhood do need to get a grip. If a crappy movie remake is going to ruin your childhood, you've got bigger issues. This film won't ruin your childhood. But it should make you question whether or not Hollywood is trying its best to produce quality entertainment. That's kind of its job, isn't? So give me something original. Don't rehash old films for the sake of rehashing them. Especially ones that were mediocre at best to begin with. See, for example, Fantastic Four.

 

(Okay, gotta agree with you on that one. That was an unmitigated craptastrophy.)

 

And Roadhouse??? Really?? Come on. That movie was so terrible it was good, in a campy kinda way. Let's be honest, Patrick Swayze, God rest his soul, was not the best of actors. He, for me, fell in the Keanu Reeves category. [Points to those of you who can name another campy film, other than the original Point Break, in which the two starred together.] And I love me some Ronda Rousey. But… seriously. Give me a break, Hollywood.

 

Yes, the Great American Stupidification extends far beyond politics:

 

Hollywood: Here America! Here's a crappy remake of a beloved movie that won't measure up to the original! Because we're too unimaginative to come up with new ideas and we know you'll watch this anyway!

 

America: Okay.  Let me get my jumbo popcorn with butter-flavored carcinogen sauce and a 127 ounce diet Pepsi.

 

Give. Me. Something. Original.

 

(Like Star Wars Episode VII? Featuring an orphan on a desert planet, that has to return the droid with the secret plans to the good guys' base, and then help destroy an ultimate weapon with the help of a smuggler? Like that?)

 

Yeah, about that…. Honestly that was my biggest critique of the film. They went far too heavy on the nostalgia factor, and I don't believe it was necessary. At the same time though, it did push the story in a new direction with different characters. Ghostbusters, Fantastic Four…. It's regurgitation. It's the same characters portrayed by different actors. It's do-overs when the originals didn't need to be done over. It's… lazy. And for what we pay to go to the movies these days, we deserve better.

 

(So… what do you suggest?)

 

Let Joss Whedon write and produce everything always.

 

(Um….)

 

Okay, not everything always…. But to me Joss Whedon exemplifies what's right about Hollywood. Quality writing. Original ideas. True storytelling. Firefly, anyone? Dollhouse? Buffy??? And he didn't have to steal… okay, "re-envision" someone else's ideas.

 

(He did do Much Ado About Nothing….)

 

Yeah, I know. Nobody's perfect, I suppose. His general innovation, however is what's needed. I mean… space cowboys. Literally. They fly a spaceship, and ride horses on backwater planets. Curse you Fox, for cancelling Firefly. CURSE YOU STRAIGHT TO HE –

 

(*ahem*)

 

Right. Sorry. But Ghostbusters? Really?? Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!!! Sorry, but Melissa McCarthy cannot deliver a line like that as well as Bill Murray. It will never happen.

 

New stories. New ideas. A good example? Tron: Legacy. Was it a good movie? Eh. Not the best cinematic experience, granted. I still found it entertaining, and visually stunning. Was it a regurgitation? No. Did it draw from the original and take the story in a new direction? Yes, yes it did. But it didn't simply rehash the original.

 

I do understand that at this point in cinematic history a lot has already been done. I get that. But please, Hollywood. You pay people a lot of money to write films, and make billions of dollars. You can do better than "hey, let's remake Ghostbusters but with women and more CGI! It'll be the same, but different!"

 

Any if you can't…. I'll come up with something. I know, this is crazy, but here's my number…

 

(So call me mayb… oh you're a right son of a b*tch. You had to bring that back, didn't you?)

 

See? See what happens when you dredge up the past?

 

(Grrrrr. So what's the Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze film?)

 

I'll give you a hint: it also features Rob Lowe. And if they ever try to remake that, we riot.

 

 

© 2016 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.