America The Dumber

At the time of an arrest, the arresting officer is required by law to provide a suspect with a recitation of their rights, a/k/a/ the Miranda Warning, thusly:

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? Do you still wish to speak to me without an attorney?"

Pretty basic, right? Easy to understand?

(Yes… why? Where are you going with this?)

According to a news report from one of my local news stations, link here: http://13wham.com/news/state/ny-lawmaker-reform-miranda-warning-for-juvenile-defendants-02-22-2016, a New York lawmaker says these rights are too difficult for juveniles, i.e. suspects under the age of 18, to understand and wants them read to juveniles in "plain language."

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*blink blink*
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(Oh crap. Here it comes…)

Are. You. F*CKING. KIDDING. ME??????

(Annnnnnnd there it is.)

The brainiac behind this nonsensical asshattery is NYS Senator Michael Gianaris who says, and I wish to God on high I was making this up, that "…the typical Miranda warning often contains vocabulary from a college reading level, prompting many juvenile defendants to simply waive their rights." Not making that up. Go back and read the article.

*twitch*

First of all, what half-assed "college" did you got to, and how the hell did you get elected, Sen. Gianaris? Because, for those of us in the real world, the Miranda Warning I recited above has a Flesch Reading Ease rating of over 87%, and a Flesch-Kincaid Reading Level of 3.6.

Three. Point. Six.

As in THIRD GRADE.

As in your average EIGHT YEAR-OLD is capable of clearly understanding the words and their meanings of the Miranda Warning written above.

(Did he really say "college reading level????")

Oh holy cripes for f*ck's sake crap on a cracker. Yes. That's what he said. This allegedly educated State Senator, and I use the term "educated" loosely if he thinks that third grade reading is "college level", wants to make the language even plainer than that????

I. Can't. Even.

Seriously. Can't even. If I was Deadpool I'd be using way naughtier words and phrases to describe this guy. I'd probably even draw diagrams of his stupidity in crayon.

SERIOUSLY? Is he really saying that a 17-year old suspect can't understand third grade vocabulary????

(You mean "college level.")

YOU BE QUIET!!! I mean, thus far in this post, even with my made-up words and use of sentence fragments, the reading level for this piece is only at 5.5!!!! Meaning a 17 year-old suspect could read and understand this post a good SIX AND A HALF YEARS PRIOR TO BEING ARRESTED. Did I mention that the Miranda Warning recited above reads at a level of 3.6? As in slightly more than half way through third grade?  As in 8.4 grade levels BELOW college level, since Flesch-Kincaid stops counting at grade 12.

 
Eight. Point. Four.

*facepalm*

What the hell has happened to America? Have we devolved so greatly that it's come to this? We have to dumb down Miranda Warnings to a level lower than third grade? I cannot even imagine what that would look like. I can't. I mean… nope. Can't do it. How much simpler can "you have the right to remain silent" get???

("Hey kid, you can keep your mouth shut if you want.")

Don't. Just don't. Don't encourage this kind of crap or I swear I will earworm you in the highest and meanest way possible.

(Okay, okay, jeez!)

If things have truly gotten so low that we need to make simple third grade vocabulary even easier to understand, then we don't need to fix the Miranda Warning. We need to fix society.

(Good luck with that.)

*sigh*

I know. I saw a great meme the other day that said something along the lines of the following:

"1944: Eighteen and nineteen year-olds were storming beaches, parachuting behind enemies lines, and risking certain death.

2016: Eighteen and nineteen year-olds need "safe zones" on college campuses where they can go to protect them from being hurt or offended by mean words."

We've gone from the Greatest Generation to the Pathetic Generation.

By all means, let's continue to coddle. Let's keep giving participation trophies and reinforce the notion that today's youth needs to be protected from the big, bad, world. Let's dumb it down. Because America hasn't gotten dumb enough.

(Donald Trump is the Republican front runner for president….)

My point exactly. I fear for our future.

(Cape Breton offered to accept American refugees if either Trump or Clinton win the election. Just sayin'.)         

Have you ever been to the Canadian Atlantic Maritimes? It really is quite pleasant there, eh.

(O Canada, my home and native… wow. Earwormed with the Canadian National Anthem.)

It could have been worse. And for the record – The Flesch-Kincaid Reading Level for O Canada?

2.0.

 

© 2016 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.