A Healthy Addiction

So, I've been doing a little thinking.

(On a Monday??? Oh sweet cripes, this ought to be good….)

I was thinking yesterday. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Actually, I was reflecting on my writing "career" if you will. I pondered how much I've written over the years, and the how's and why's of what I write. In some ways it's exhilarating. In others, frankly, it’s a little frightening. At times it can be downright depressing, knowing the inspiration that's led to some pretty dark writings. All in all, though, I wouldn't change a thing.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Maybe because I have a deep seated longing for approval. Maybe it's that touch of narcissism all writers have. Maybe I just need to share these words as I have the millions, and yes they number in the millions of words I've already written. My writing is a part of me; it's part of my DNA, as much an identifier of who I am as is my hair or eye color, height or laugh. Some people say you are what you eat; I guess I am what I write.

As of this blog post, I have written on this blog alone two hundred and thirty-eight times since its inception. While that may seem like a lot, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what I've written over the years. A simple discussion last night prompted me to think about all the pieces I've written. When I stopped and thought about it, really thought about it, I was surprised.

What began as an experiment, the result of a bout of insomnia and binge-watching Battlestar Galactica, became The Deep Space Chronicles. My self-published, science fiction series, one I never had any intention of writing, let alone publishing, now consists of three published volumes and a fourth on the way. I consider that an accomplishment, and I don't think it's conceited to say so. Too often people confuse accomplishment for vanity – I say you have to acknowledge the good you do sometimes, because sometimes it may just be good for you. It's cathartic. It's therapeutic. And dammit, it's deserved. If you do something of which you're proud, be proud.

What I find interesting about my desire to write, however, is that I didn't stop there. I didn't begin there, either. In addition to the four books of the DSC series, I have written four other full manuscripts, and have multiple others in varying states of completion. Plus the blog, plus poems and songs I've not shared…. And that's when the realization hit me:

I'm addicted to writing.

We all have our vices – for some it's alcohol. It could be gambling, cigarettes, porn, drugs, shoes, you name it. I don't think it's a stretch to say that most of us are addicted to something. Me? You're looking at my addiction right here. I think one of the reasons I've not pursued greater circulation or publication of my works, setting aside the obvious reasons of lack of time, energy and capital, is because to some extent publication doesn't matter. Sure, it's cool to think that even if I sell one measly book a month to someone in Germany, I'm selling my work. Someone is paying money that they've earned to read my words. Yeah, that will always be cool. But if you ask most writers I also think you'll find that for most of us it's more about the process, and feeling that sense of accomplishment we get from taking these abstract notions in our heads and turning them into something else, into words, into feelings on paper, into images crafted with letters and spaces.

Yes, I'm addicted to writing. Maybe someday I will make it big, get that break I've been hoping for, and see one of my stories adapted for the screen. Maybe I'll make that New York Times Best Sellers list. Does Oprah still do her book club? That would be kind of cool, too. But the fact that I've not accomplished those things isn't going to stop me from writing in the meantime.

Maybe the point of this writing is this: Writing is my passion, and I'm going to pursue my passion no matter what else happens. You should, too. Find your passion. Follow it. Embrace it. Don't let the outside world and the pressures it brings prevent you from doing that which you desire. It's taken me some time to realize that, and once I did I didn't look back. Most of what I've written I've done so in the last ten years or so, even though I'd been writing all along. Perhaps it took me that long to find the strength inside, the courage to write as much as I do. That's point two – don't let fear hold you back. You can read at the top of this page the mantra I've adopted from words of Robert Kennedy: "Only those that dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." The only failure in failure is when you refuse to try again. Read some of the reviews of my first book. One star, "rubbish" one person said. Sure, the negativity hurt. But you know what? For every person that dislikes my writing, there's someone out there who enjoys it. But NONE OF THAT MATTERS. My failure would rest in not writing, and my success is not measured by the number of positive reviews I receive. My success rests in the satisfaction of knowing that I chose to follow a path of passion, that I did it. That I wrote that. That despite what others may think, I did what I wanted to do and no one could stop me.

Therein lies the next lesson – Success is all in your mind. For some, overcoming depression so that you can get out of bed in the morning is the greatest success of all. For others, overcoming doubt, ignoring derisive stares, or simply putting pen to paper, playing on your guitar that chord that keeps rolling through your head, or painting what you see when you close your eyes – that is all success, and it depends neither on anyone else's acceptance nor their approval.

Writing is my terrible, delightful, frustrating, elating, irksome, astounding, terrifying, confounding, beautiful, joyful addiction. It's mine. And as much I appreciate that it's mine, I appreciate your willingness to allow me to share it all the more. As wonderful as personal success can be, I'm a firm believer that the things in your life that mean the most to you are meant to be shared. As I said, writing is as much a part of me as anything else I am, or do, or say./ It means so much for me to be able to share it, myself, with you.

So find your passion. Pursue it. Share it. And know that if you do so, you will always succeed, and no one can take that from you.

Until next time…

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.