The Nonsense of Wellness

Okay, so, I appreciate positive thinking. I really do.

 

(But….)

 

But when I see my Facebook feed inundated with "be positive!" and "think positive!" and "don't be the damsel, be the dragon!" I want to barf big chunks of rainbow colored unicorns.

 

(Tell us how you really feel.)

 

Big. Chunks. Rainbow. Unicorns.

 

(Dude, that was rhetorical sarcasm.)

 

I know. But you also know that I have a tendency to be Captain Literal. Anyway, I get it. Be positive; think positive, positive things will happen, blah blah blah. Maybe I'm too cynical. Maybe I'm just too much a realist, but whatever the case I know for a fact that exhaling deeply isn't going to make all the ills of my day go away. The only thing accomplished by exhaling deeply is expelling a greater amount of gases from my lungs. And no amount of positive energy in the world is going to prevent that email/text phone call/political ignorance on Facebook or whatever it is that is going to make you go from zero to Grumpy Cat in 0.0008675309 seconds flat.

 

(I see what you did there. Bastard.)

 

You're welcome. So, yes, I appreciate positive thinking, so long as it is realistic. You can't "be the dragon" because dragons don't exist.

 

(I'm pretty sure they were speaking metaphorically…..)

 

Okay then… Riddle me this: Why would you want to be a dragon in the first place? Mythological dragons (i.e. not mass-marketed Disney dragons) are by and large incapable of being tamed, live long, lonely lives, are dangerous and murderous, have no regard for human or other life other than their own, set things on fire, lay waste to villages, steal and horde riches, EAT PEOPLE, and presumably poop a lot. That's the ideal to which you're telling people to aspire????

 

(Well… if you put it THAT way….)

 

Yea, don't be a dragon. Dragons are kinda d*cks. Although, I do know a few people who poop a lot. Anywhoos…. There's only so much you can really do. Inner peace? I don't think it exists. What I do think, however, is that you can achieve some semblance of the notion. Here's my list of things to remember:

 

1.         Breathe. Surprising this is actually not the first thing on all those "be positive" lists, which tells you something about the veracity of those lists. If you don't breathe, you die, and the rest of the wellness list is irrelevant. So breathe. Do that first. And don't stop.

 

2.         Homicide is bad. Really. This is kind of a big one, too. Those thoughts you have about beating your co-worker with his ergonomic keyboard, or stabbing the lady in front of you at Starbucks, the one that can't make up here mind though she's been in line for fifteen minutes already, with one of those big green straws? Don't do that. Because then there will be the lights and the handcuffs and the lawyers and the cellmate named bubba who thinks you got a purdy mouth…. It's just not worth it.

 

3.         Caffeine. Ingest it. Lots of it. Yeah yeah I know some people can't, and to you I offer my pity because you will likely never experience the awesomesauciness that is coffee. For me, however, caffeine generally prevents me from doing number 2.

 

(*snicker*)

 

DAMMIT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

 

(Yeah, but you walked right into that one.)

 

Touché, pussycat.

 

4.         Sarcasm and cynicism. Use them. Embrace them. Hug them and squeeze them and love them. Call them George if you have to, but I swear to sweet bejeebus if I didn't possess both in copious amounts I would never be able to make it through the day. There's a lot of stupid out there, people. Lots. We're talking of prepubescent girls fawning over One Indication proportions of stupid.

 

(Direction.)

 

What??

 

(It's One Direction.)

 

It's hashtagstupidtalentlessboybandwhocares.

 

(You're an angry elf today.)

 

I'm just tired of ignorance and having to adjust myself and my day and my life to deal with it. Ignorance really should be painful.   

 

5.         Smile. For no reason. To piss people off. To make someone else smile. This is perhaps one of the few things that pops up on motivation posters and memes with which I agree. Especially to piss people off. It actually does kind of make you happy.

 

(Smiling?)

 

No, pissing people off.

 

(*smh*)

 

Annnnnd YOU walked right into that one.

 

(*gives evil eye*)

 

Moving on….

 

6.         Do something good. It costs nothing. Unless you pay for the guy behind you in the Tim Horton's drive-thru, then that will cost you on average $4.56. Otherwise just do something good. Be nice and maybe someone will be nice to you.

 

7.         Remind yourself again that homicide is bad when someone doesn't do number 6. Like that guy who forces himself into your lane of traffic and then doesn't even WAVE, YOU THANKLESS PIECE OF –

 

(HEY!)

 

*ahem* Sorry. Where was I….

 

8.         Pants. Pants are essential. And by pants I mean general, lower extremity-covering garments, be it pants, pantaloons, knickers, skirts, skorts, kilts… but under no circumstances skinny jeans for men. Because no one wants to see your kissahoochie or man-danglies at the office. Well, some people might, but that's probably in a slightly different context… And no. Skinny. Jeans. For. Men. Neither do we need to know so obviously that you've skipped leg day, like, forever.

 

9.         Be yourself. Actually this one should probably be a little higher on the list. Trust me, life gets a lot simpler when you can simply say "you don't like me? Your loss." It took me a while to realize this one. For many years I thought I had to be something other than myself. I didn't. And over the last several years I've purged from my life those that can't recognize the simple notion that I'm gonna be me whether you like it or not. It's one thing to aim to please; it's another entirely to aim to appease. The former can be admirable; the latter can be debilitating. Know the difference.

 

And, lastly….

 

10.       When all else fails, applesauce.

 

(Which means that when all else fails, nothing really matters anyway, so why stress over it?)

 

If that's what applesauce means to you, then sure.

 

Now go have a super shiny sparkly positive day full of sunshine!

 

 

© 2015 JJ Goodman. All rights reserved.