Dipping Into Darkness

“There’s no such thing as a ‘dark passenger,’ you do understand that, right?”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Ok, first thing, Dexter isn’t real; it’s fantasy. Dexter’s dark passenger is a made up notion from a made up television program. It’s a story-telling vehicle. It’s fiction.”

“All fiction is based in reality.”

“Really? Even science fiction?”

“Of course.”

“What makes you say that?”

“When it all boils down, all fiction is about people. Relationships. It doesn’t matter where it’s set, whether on earth or in space, romantic comedy, drama, space opera, it’s all the same; every single story deals with the same concept of good versus bad. Good versus evil. It may not be a battle between people, it can be a conflict with inner demons. The ‘Dark Side’ from Star Wars, Dexter’s ‘dark passenger,’ Mr. Hyde, you name it. There’s a dark side to everyone, and we each struggle with it every day.”

“So what are you struggling with? Why do you think you have a dark passenger like Dexter? Are you having homicidal thoughts?”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s just, I don’t know. It’s just, dark.”

“I’m going to need a little more than that.”

“It’s like something just washes over me. I can be happy, sad, tired or wide awake. Day or night, it doesn’t matter. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. It just happens, and everything goes dark. Like a shroud or a cloud steals the sun. And it’s heavy. I can’t breathe, everything aches. I can’t move, I can’t think… It’s like I just stop… being.”

“How do you shake out of it?”

“I don’t. I have to let it run its course.”

“So what happens with the darkness comes?”

“I just told you.”

“No, you told me what it feels like when the darkness comes. You didn’t tell me what you do, what happens when it comes.”

“I shut down. And I think.”

“About what?”

“Everything. Nothing. I don’t know. I wonder what if, I think about the past, what I could have done differently, what path my life will take. I question everything. Whether things are good, bad, or mundane. Nothing seems right and I ask myself thousands of questions, the answers to which I l know I’ll never realize.”

“And why do you think you dwell on these things?”

“I have no idea. I have no control over it. It just happens. Maybe I don’t have a dark passenger. Maybe I am the passenger. Adrift in a rowboat far out to sea.”

“Alone.”

“Yes.”

“But you’re not alone. You have family and friends who love and care about you.”

“But they don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain it, but I’ve yet to find anyone who really gets it.”

“Is that why you’re here? In the hopes that I’ll understand?”

“No.”

“You don’t think I’ll get it?”

“No.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I ask myself that every time.”

“Then why do you keep coming?”

*

*

“You’re feeling the darkness right now, aren’t you?”

“How can you tell?”

“Because I asked you a question and we sat here for ten minutes in silence. Your eyes glazed over. Your breathing slowed. It was like you just withdrew and left your body behind.”

“Yeah, that’s what happens. I just… disappear.”

“Where do you go?”

“Nowhere. I don’t go anywhere. Everything else fades away and I’m just…nowhere.”

“How do you come back from nowhere?”

“It’s not like I come back. It’s like everything else just kind of comes back into focus.”

“And then what?”

“And then I move on.”

“Are you sure?”

“What are you asking?”

“Are you sure that you move on? Or does the darkness linger?”

*

*

“Yes.”

“Is it lingering now?”

“Yes.”

“So what can we do to shed some light?”

“You tell me.”

“You know that’s not how this works.”

“Then I guess I really don’t know why I’m here.”

“We’ll figure this out.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“No, but I have faith.”

“I’m glad you do.”

“We’ll get to the bottom of the darkness.”

“I’m honestly not sure I want to.”

*

*

“I think that’s enough for today. I’ll see you next week?”

 “Okay.”

 

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.