Wouldn't that be Cool....

So, yesterday was the fourth day of Spring, March 23^rd, a Monday, and the temperature was fourteen degrees below the freezing mark. On the fourth day of Spring. Below freezing. And Monday. Seriously, WTF, universe?

(Bloody hell, it's going to be one of those posts, isn't it?)

I'm afraid so. Things have been a little hectic lately, with work being extraordinarily busy, my sleep pattern reverting to its usual state of nonexistence, my preparing to change abodes, and the general unpredictability of the goings-on of my life. So of course you know what that means….

(What? Wait, dammit. I can't believe I just asked that.)

Too late. You asked. No take-backsies. What that means is that I've been up all night thinking of some of the most randomly stupid itshay and that I've been incredibly *SQUIRRELL!!!!* distracted when it comes to the personal and private side of me. And in that I can't let all this crap bounce around in my skull without a release…

(You're going to thought-spew all over this blog?)

Precisely! And I like that phrase. I may have to remember that. So yeah, gonna randomly thought-spew.

For example – Why can't I have a wolf as a pet? I mean, if you raise it from a puppy, you should be able to train it not to eat bunnies or sparkly vampires and such, right? Plus, I'd keep it on a leash. Just think how cool that would be! I mean the Husky and the Malamute breeds are almost wolves, kinda sorta. Personally I blame the mid-90's television program Due South for this desire. The show starred the comedically Canadian actor Paul Gross as a Canadian Mounted Policeman working with a jaded Chicago cop… and the CMP had a pet wolf called Diefenbaker, named after the former Canadian Prime Minister. I think the wolf in the show might have been deaf, too. Coolest. Wolf-pet. Ever. From the moment I first saw that show, I've wanted a pet wolf. I'd take good care of it. I would name him George and hug him and pet him and squeeze him….

(*ahem*)

What? Oh, sorry, I digress…. Anywhoos. That would be cool. But here's something else that's been vexing me – Now, granted, the events of Star Wars happened in a galaxy far, far away, but they also transpired a long time ago. Wouldn't it stand to reason that, you know, since they have the capability of interstellar travel and all, and since so much time has passed since those events took place, that somebody from beyond our solar system should have reached us by now? With the myriad of races traipsing about the universe, you'd think maybe one of them would stop by. How cool would be to be standing in line at Starbucks behind a Wookie? Just imagine:

Barista - Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

Wookie - GRAWWWWRRRWHWRHRRR.
Barista - * yells over shoulder* "Grande no fat mochacchino!
Wookie - RERREEGHGHGHHEHRRAWWWR!!!!!!
*Wookie reaches over counter, pulls barista's arm out of its socket*
Barista – Owww! Venti! I meant venti no fat mochaccino!!!!

(Dude. Seriously. I worry about you.)

Oh come on. You can't tell me you wouldn't love to see a Wookie do that to a Starbucks barista.

(I… touché, pussycat.)

This is what I'm saying.

(You know, they conduct studies about people like you….)

Speaking of which, am I the only one that gets annoyed every time you hear the words "a new study shows…"? Wait, don't answer that. But I mean seriously! As I was getting ready for work the other day a story came on that said "a new study shows that people who watch televised cooking shows tend to eat and weigh more than those that don't."

*blink blink*

What's the phrase I'm looking for… oh, right: no sh*t, Sherlock. You needed to conduct a study to determine that people who like to eat a lot watch cooking shows? In other news, studies show that swimmers get wet more often than non-swimmers, that the sun shines more during daylight hours than night time hours, and that the "researchers" conducting these studies are apparently as dumb as boxes or rocks if they can't come to their conclusions by using simple common sense. Yes, these geniuses are the ones molding the future of our scientific ascension.

(I… wow. That's kinda frightening.)

Isn't it? My favorite all-time "study" was the one that determined that pig sh*t contains high levels of methane.  Really? I had no idea, said no one who has ever driven by a farm. EVER. But thank Dog we had that study to tell us so.

Here's a thought – How about conducting a study to determine how to correct a mental deficiency in a small percentage of the population that causes those afflicted to think Keanu Reeves has acting talent? Just think, if scientists could figure that out, and we could isolate and eradicate that deficiency, we'd save bajillions of dollars every year by not having to give those poor, affected souls their identifying, tin foil hats.

(Please go see a doctor.)

I did. Her name was Lola.

(Was she a showgirl? With yellow flowers in her hai… you sonofabitch.)

Studies show that it's really easy to earworm my readers. Especially at the Copa.  

(I hate you.)

No, you don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a pet wolf. Or a Wookie. I'm not picky.

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.