Whine Pairings

So, I live in New York.

(Where in Manhattan?)

I said NEW YORK. Not New York CITY. New York is a big state, nitwit.

(Oh. Right. HEY! What did you call me?)

What? Nothing. Anyway, I live in western New York. If you have been following the news at all this winter you'll know that this area has been brutalized by one of the worst winters in a long time. We've endured sustained periods of frigid, sub-freezing temperatures and the heaviest snowfall I can remember since my childhood. Frankly, the worst part of it for me is the numbskull drivers that suddenly, annually, forget how to drive in the snow despite the fact they live here. And it snows every year. EVERY. YEAR. Seriously, people. Get your sh*t together.

(Are you whining?)

Yes, but only to illustrate a point.

(Riiiiight.)

Shut it, you. My gripe is with those that know better yet create unsafe and inconvenient conditions for no reason. That's legitimate.

(Sure it is.)

BE. QUIET. ANYWAY… My second biggest beef during winter is those who complain. Constantly. Yes, it's cold. Yes, it snows. Yes, it sucks rocks. But you choose to live here, silly persons. If you don't like it, you know where you can go.

(To Hell???)

No. Florida. Wow, do you really think I'm that mean?

(Sometimes….)

*sigh*

The point is that people whine a lot about a great many things. Please, for the love of sweet bejeebus, STOP. Whining accomplishes absolutely nothing other than to annoy the uckfay out of those around you. Is complaining that it's -8 degrees (Fahrenheit, for our non-American readers) going to make it any warmer? Letmethinkrealhard NO. Put on a sweater and stay inside. Or better yet….

(Oh crap, he's thinking.)

No, wait, this is gonna be a good one…

(Oh. Crap.)

Wine. Wine is the answer.

(Ok, I'm listening…)

Wine pairings! Or, more accurately, whine pairings. In ode to the late, great Egon, I say to you "lighten up, Francis." Have a glass of wine. Relax! But what wine goes best with what whine, you ask?  Well I'll tell you….

I.  The Cold Weather Whine. What better for a sniffling, sneezing, achy, I hate that the weather makes my flesh hurt why the feck do I live here kind of whine than a nice hearty red. I'd recommend a nice Zinfandel, or perhaps a Carmanere. Something hearty, perhaps with blackberry undertones.   You need something that's going to warm your cockles as it slides down your throat.

(Hehehe… You said cockles….)

*smacking head*

For some those are a little too hearty, and for you I recommend perhaps a Pinot Noir, or perhaps even a Syrah. In any event, cold = red. Remember that.

II. The Warm Weather Whine. If it's hot, like Africa hot, or maybe oppressively humid, you need something nice and cold to both quench your thirst and uncrankify your crankiness. Personally, I go for the crisper side of wine, like a Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc. Light and fruity, you can't help but smile as you sip away the heat. If you're feeling bubbly, go for a Proseco. Frankly I'd stay away from the Chardonnay. Oakiness = dry mouthiness and that's the last thing you want when you can barely breath to begin with.

III. The I'm Annoyed For No Particular Reason Whine. In this instance your ancient Roman name would be Grumpus Maximus and there's little hope for you. You need a wine that's as ill-mannered as you are. Enter the Merlot or Chardonnay. Both are heavy, dry, and for this writer leave a generally unpleasant aftertaste in my mouth.

(Won't that make Grumpus more, um, Maximus…y?)

Generally, no. When the Grumpus Maximus consumes, he/she does so quickly and with copious amounts, usually leading to a brief stint of animosity ["I never loved you!'] then irrational emotion ["I love you, I'm so sorry!"] quickly followed by unconsciousness. Give the Grumpus their moment. Trust me on this one.

IV. The F*ck It All Whine. Let's face it, we've all been here. You got a flat tire on the way to work, chewed out by your boss for something you didn't do, and then go home to find out that the dog pooped in the family room and the cat gacked in your favorite shoes. You throw your hands in the air, declare that you f*cking give up, and go straight for the liquor cabinet. WRONG. And this is very important, so open up your listening eyes.

(I… what?)

Just pay attention. Every refrigerator of every alcohol consuming adult should contain the following: A) good cheese; B) an emergency bottle of champagne; and 3) bacon.

(Bacon???)

Yes. Bacon. Everything is better with bacon. But back to the point… Champagne. Tuck it away on the bottom shelf where Tupperware containers filled with that which used to be food collect underneath the meat and cheese drawer. You'll hardly know the bottle is there… until you need it. When life throws you a curveball, or, in my case, heaves a cinder block at your head, duck quickly, grab the Champagne, and pop the cork. But be sure to point the bottle away from you. We don't need a repeat of the great Ow My Eye Incident of '97. Pour yourself a glass and enjoy the effervescent awesomeness as it washes your problems away.

****

Now I realize that the wines I've listed here aren't for everyone. This is meant as a general guide to Whine Wines. Feel free to improvise. Just be smart, be safe, and for the love of Dog stay away from anything pink. Seriously people, we're adults, not teenagers getting our buzz on behind the gas-n-sip. Really. NO. ROSÉ. No White Zinfandel.  No anything that says "wine product" on the label. Good grief, have SOME drunken self-respect.

And if all else fails, there's always scotch. Mmmmmm. Scotch.

© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.