Resolvers, Dissolvers, and Revolvers: 1st Post of 2014

At the beginning of every January we encounter three types of people: 1) those that make New Year's Resolutions and intend to keep them; 2) those who say they are making New Year's Resolutions though they either have absolutely no intention of following through or their circumstances prevent them from doing so; and 3) those who hear the word "resolution" but think "revolution" and break into song because they have the attention spans of gnats. You say you want resolution, wellllll you knooooowwww…. *ahem* Sorry, what?

You know these people. The first group, the "resolvers" are identifiable from a mile away. On the morning of January 1st they've already gotten up with the dawn, adorned their matching running wear, jogged a healthy 3.1 miles, bragged about it Facebook, and have already made six recipe posts on Pinterest before the rest of us have managed to drag our likely still drunken heads from the couch pillow upon which you passed out at 2:17 am while singing Celebration into a wadded up cocktail napkin microphone. These are the folks that have made their resolutions (I'm going to eat healthier and run more!) even though they already eat healthy and run.  These people are the perfectionists, the A-types, the overachieving go-getters, to which I say… *GACK*

(Seems someone got into the scotch this New Year's…)

NO, I did not. I was sick this year. I haven't had a touch of alcohol since Christmas Eve, thankyouverymuch. I rang in the New Year listening to my dog bark in her sleep as she was undoubtedly having much more fun in her dream that I was trying not to cough up my spleen.

ANYWAY… I do admire the resolvers. I do. It takes a lot of resolve (pun intended) to stick to something…or does it? Is it really that hard to stick to a resolution to basically continue doing something you already do? I want to see a resolver go outside the box. You want to impress me? Resolve to play the bagpipes, and I mean play the bagpipes. Not tinker around with bagpipes just enough so that some possibly recognizable tune might come out sounding like something somewhere between a strangled goat and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I wanna hear Amazing Grace or Danny Boy. Do that, to you I will give the kudos.

The second group, to which most of us fall, are the "dissolvers." We start out the year with good intentions. Perhaps we're a bit overweight and resolve to lose a few pounds and get in shape. Maybe we want to quit smoking, or learn a new language. We want to be resolvers. We really do. And we try. Some of us try really hard! Honest! But there's always something that gets in the way, like stress, or the Super Bowl, or the refrigerator, or Tuesday. I for example had every intention of beginning the Insanity Workout this weekend.

(BWAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Shut it you. I'm serious. I bought the dvd's and everything. I even bought the as-seen-on-tv doorway chin-up bar thingy.

(Oh for the love of sweet bejeebus please tell us there's going to be video.)

Shut. UP. It's all a moot point right now anyway, as I have contracted some kind of undiagnosable mutant form of bronchitis that barely allows me to speak without coughing let alone participate in any real kind of physical exertion. Prednisone and Albuterol are my two best friends at the moment. Until I am able to climb out of this respiratory hell, those dvd's are staying in the box.

(Yes, because that's the reason you haven't started…)

*gives evil eye*

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes we get lazy. Sometimes life just gets in the way. It doesn't make dissolvers bad people, it just makes us, well, realistic.

Then there's what I like to call the "revolvers." They make no promises, good intentioned or otherwise. They just spin around blissfully knowing that even if they made resolutions they likely wouldn't follow through with them anyway, so why bother? Picture this conversation at a bar:

Bob:    Joe, you make any resolutions?
Joe:      Dude, I got the SRT-8 up over 470 hp at around 6,000 rpm's!
Bob:    Not revolutions, dumbass, resolutions. Like New Year's Resolutions.
Joe:      Oh. Uh, my wife says I'm too fat, so….
Bob:    *silence*
Joe:      *scratches self in nether-region*
Bob:    Wanna get some wings?
Joe:      Yeah. Get some extra blue cheese, too.

These guys just keep revolving around their lives as if nothing ever happened. Let's face it – nothing really has. It's just another day on a calendar. An arbitrary one, at that, created in the days of the Romans. Does it really mean anything? Remember what a big deal Y2K wasn't? Exactly.

Maybe if we got prizes or something I'd be more inclined to make a New Year's Resolution. A trip to Fiji, perhaps. Or some pie. I like pie. I don't know. Something.

In any event, it's 2014. Happy New Year. Let's do this.


© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.