Canine Conversation

Have you every wished that your dog could talk, or that you could understand what dogs said to each other when they barked? Sure you have. I'd be willing to bet, however, that your dog has never spoken a word. Not so, it seems, for Cameron Parker. You see, Cameron made the mistake on his thirtieth birthday of jokingly wishing, when he blew out his candles, that he could understand his dog. Imagine his surprise later that evening when Pappy, his five year old male boxer, asked for some parmesan cheese sprinkled on his dinner. It took Cameron some getting used to, but eventually he and Pappy would have some pretty interesting conversations. The tale that follows is just one example of the kind of shenanigans one can get into with a conversant canine….

"No."

"Dammit, Pappy, I know you have to go out."

"No. Nuh uh. No way, Cam. It's like ten degrees out there!"

"Then learn how to use the toilet."

"I, um. Fine. But I am sniffing everything I can get my nose on out there."

"What else is new. Let's go."

Cam affixed the leash to Pappy's collar and led the dog outside. True to his word, Pappy sniffed, and sniffed some more. "Weren't you the one complaining about the cold?"

"If you're making me go out here, I'm sniffing until I find the perfect spot. Plus, I have to mark where that stupid Husky keeps going. I swear, some dogs have no respect for another's favorite spots."

Cam raised his arm and smacked himself in the forehead, wishing he'd never wished that Pappy could talk. He continued lamenting the fact when the dog stopped suddenly.

"What's the matter?" Cam asked.

"There's new pee here. I've never smelled this pee. It's definitely female. Boxer, too. Oh boy oh boy!" Pappy said as he began to excited wag his tiny stub of a tail as quickly as it could wag. Pretty soon his entire rear end was wiggling back and forth. "Cam! There's a girl boxer in the neighborhood! We gotta find her! I wonder if she's fixed. Bow chicka wow wow!"

"Would you calm down and go poop? Focus!"

"Oh, right. Let's go over here," Pappy said as the practically yanked Cam's arm out of its socket to drag Cam over to where the dog preferred to do his number twos.

Once Pappy had completed his duty, Cam began walking back towards his apartment door. That was when Pappy saw her. "Cam! Cam! There she is! Oh boy, oh boy! Can we go say hi! Please? Please? I promise I'll be a good dog and not get on the bed tonight. Please? Can we?"

Pappy was hopping up and down on his hind legs until Cam finally agreed and walked din the direction of the other dog. His eyes lit up when he saw her owner. She was bundled up but there was no mistaking her angelic eyes and soft, round cheeks. Of course Pappy, in typical dog fashion, strode right over and put his nose in the female's rear and began sniffing.

"Well, he's certainly not shy, is he?" the young woman joked.

"You have no idea," Cam replied. "Hi. I'm Cameron." He held out his hand and she shook it gracefully.

"Isabelle. Nice to meet you."

"This is Pappy," he said, nodding down to the dog.

"And this is Flora."

The two humans stood awkwardly for a moment before making casual conversation about Isabelle being new to the apartment complex and their mutual love of boxers. The dogs seemed to get along and eventually went ignored, as did the cold, as Cameron and Isabelle spoke.

"So," Pappy whispered as he walked around Flora and brought his nose close to hers. "How you doin'?

Flora rolled her eyes. "Really? That's your pick up line?"

Pappy barked in surprise, and dropped his front shoulders down. His rear stayed upright and wiggled with excitement. "You can talk too?"

"Of course I can, silly. She doesn't understand me, though. All she hears is 'bark bark bark' and the like. I swear she's not that bright. Does your human understand you?"

"Yeah. He made a birthday wish and he's been able to understand me ever since. He's the only one, though."

As the dogs continued their conversation, which Cameron could hear and of which he could understand every word, he tried to ignore them and focus on Isabelle. She was beautiful and, from what he could tell from her ungloved hand, unattached.

"Listen to these two," she said with a giggle. To her, Pappy and Flora were playfully whining and barking and hoping around. Cameron knew differently.

"Flora, I got an idea! You run that way, I'll run this way and we'll wrap them up with the leashes!"

"I love it! Let's do it!"

"No!" Cameron yelled instinctively. Isabelle looked at him, perplexed. "Pappy's getting a little too excited," he reasoned. She was none the wiser. Pappy, however, ignored the command.

"Ready, go!" she said to Flora and the dogs put their plan into action. Swiftly, they darted in opposite directions and barked playfully until they had pulled Cameron and Isabelle tightly together, facing one another. "Ok, now sit!" Pappy commanded. Flora did so, and the two dogs grinned and each other.

"Um, I'm really sorry about this," Cam said as he tried to extricate himself from the tangled web of nylon leashes. Embarrassed, Isabelle tried to do the same. Noticing their humans' efforts, Pappy and Flora stood and moved to ensure they'd be embraced a little bit longer.

"It's ok," Isabelle remarked, clearly experiencing the same instant attraction Cameron had felt. Again they stood, this time the silence between them a little less awkward.

"So," Pappy began. "What are you doin' later?"

"You keep that red rocket to yourself there, pal. I'm not some hussy French poodle you can mount on the first date."

Pappy snickered. "I wasn't thinking that! Ok I was, but maybe we can get these two together and they'll give us some treats. He's got a fireplace."

Flora thought for a minute. "Follow my lead."

Pappy cocked his head to the side and raised his ears in curiosity. He watched as Flora started walking away slowly. When it was clear that Pappy realized what she was doing, she bolted. Pappy followed in the same direction and together they pulled both Cameron and Isabelle down into the snow.

"Pappy!" Cam yelled at the same time Isabelle called out to Flora. Cam, however, suspected that he knew what the dogs were doing. His suspicion was confirmed when Pappy winked at him. Thankfully Isabelle was laughing about the ordeal.

"Listen, I know we just met, but my place is right over here, and I've got a fireplace we can use to warm up. Would you like to come in for some cocoa, or maybe a glass of wine? Flora's welcome of course, since she and Pappy seem to get along so well."

Pappy kind of hung his head when he saw the glare Cameron shot in his direction, then he dropped his jaw ever so slightly to pant in his trademark boxer smile.  Cameron rolled his eyes.

"I'd like that," Isabelle responded. Cameron stood and helped Isabelle to her feet. As they walked to his apartment, Pappy and Flora trailed beyond.

"Good work, Cyrano," Flora said jokingly.

"What?" Pappy asked, confused.

"Cyrano de, oh never mind. Your human is a typical male, isn't it? Only watches 'guy' movies?"

"Um, sure?" Pappy asked, unclear as to the concept.

Flora just shook her head. "What kind of treats do you have in there?"

"Oh my God! You'll never believe it. He gives me bacon! It comes in a big yellow bag. At least I think its bacon. It tastes like bacon smells, so I'm pretty sure."

"Bacon? Let's go!" Flora said excitedly, her whole body shaking with excitement. The two dogs ran around their humans so surprisingly that both Cameron and Isabelle lost hold of their respective leashes.

"Yeah, I guess they like each other," Cameron said with a smile.

"Yeah, I guess they do," Isabelle responded as she stared directly into Cameron's eyes. He blushed and fumbled with his keys as a result. His boyish clumsiness only made him more endearing. He barely got the door unlocked before Pappy batted it with his paw and shoved it open. He and Flora bounded into the apartment. Cameron held out his arm and invited Isabelle inside. As she entered, he wondered if having a talking dog wasn't so bad after all.

© J.J. Goodman 2014. All rights reserved.