Twenty-5 Random Thoughts for the Day
1. I honestly could not care less about what what's-her-face did on some made-up awards show. Really. It was done for shock value, and by giving it your attention you are falling into the exact trap that the little twit intended. Thus, it isn't she who is the moron… (You know where this is going, don't you?)
2. You can tell a lot about a man just by looking at his hands. Am I stereotyping? Duh. Take a man with a manicure, for instance. That tells me several things about him: he is either incapable of performing his own physical tasks, or is too pretentious to do so; he is more concerned about appearance than performance; and that he pays attention to the wrong details. I don't trust a man with a manicure. A man with scars on his hands, callouses, maybe even a little dirt under the nails – that's a man who's not afraid to work, and that's the man I want to work with.
4. Bolognese sauce is always better with heavy cream. Not whole milk, not half and half… heavy cream. And if you go anywhere near that pot with any liquid that contains the words "soy" or "skim" in its name, you will be beaten with your own wooden spoon. And then I'm having my 86 pound Italian grandmother throw a shoe at you. And she's still got pretty good aim.
5. I will take genuine affection from a dog over superficial affection from a human being any day of the week.
6. Everything is better with bacon. Even bacon.
7. Mistakes are nothing more than mental scars. Though some will stay with you forever, most will fade in time.
8. Never underestimate the therapeutic sensation of sitting quietly a fire, especially with those you care about, listening to the hum and crackle of the flames.
9. It has taken most of you until this point to realize that I skipped number 3.
10. If you're pissed off about the manicure thing in number 2 above, lighten up Francis. This is a satirical blog. Der. I'm only joking. Kind of. Sort of. Oh look, something shiny!
3. Why, typically, does only one nostril get really stuffed up at a time? Don't they both go to the same place?
12. The number three does not generally follow the number ten.
13. Each and every one of you has, at some point in your life, done the "camera one, camera two" thing from Wayne's World by first winking one eye and then the other. Don't deny it.
14. Strange Brew is, unequivocally, one of the best movies of all time. There can be no debate on this – It has a fleshy-headed mutant, beer, and Max von Sydow.
15. I just made two comments in a row about movies.
16. The only thing more contagious than laughter is yawning.
17. There are those of you that just read number 16 and yawned.
18. There are those of you with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that are still torqued by the fact that there's no number 11.
19. Two of my all-time favorite hockey players wore number 19: Steve Yzerman and Joe Sakic. Both spent their entire playing careers with the team that drafted them, respectively. Both were captains.
20. I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
11. There are those of you with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that are now even more torqued by the fact that I keep messing with the numbering.
21. If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a green dress. But not a real green dress. Because, according to a bunch of whacky Canadian songsters, that's cruel.
22. I'm not really a little teapot. Nor am I short. I am, sadly, a little more stout than I'd prefer to be at the moment.
23. Those with OCD have gone back and counted the number of random thoughts thus far to determine if I have really made twenty-three comments. And if they haven't yet, they will immediately do so after having read this number twenty-three, and mutter obscenities under their breath while doing so. And then start rocking in the fetal position because I switched from numerals to written numbers in this number 23. (And back again.)
24. Willy Wonka knew his sh*t – Though candy is undeniably quite dandy, liquor is indubitably much quicker;
And, of course, as always…
25. Applesauce.
© J.J. Goodman 2103. All rights reserved.