Days Gone Bye-Bye
As I grow older (and I hold fast to the theory Mr. Jimmy Buffett espouses in song, namely that I am growing older, but not up), I have come to find that there are great many things that I have seen/experienced/ learned about in my lifetime that have gone by the wayside or are otherwise grossly underutilized in today’s society. This is just a sampling. Why I am I writing this? Because this is the stupid sh*t I think about at 3:37 a.m. while staring at the ceiling. (Just read it. You either have nothing better to do or are procrastinating, and you know it.)
1. Gatorgum. (Right now a handful of you are saying “holy crap, I remember that!” The rest of you are likely reading this and thinking that I forgot to take my medication… again.) Gatorgum was an incredibly, disgustingly awesome chewing gum put out by the makers of Gatorade back in the early 80’s. The tag line was “if you want to lick dry mouth, chew Gatorgum,” or something along those lines. It only came in the two original, classic Gatorade flavors: neon-green, and “something that tastes worse than McDonald’s orange drink.” It was so bad it was good. Ahhh. Good times.
2. Voodoo. (WAIT, wait, hear me out…) Voodoo is a lost art. Seriously! How many times have you been sitting in traffic, staring at your ex at a child’s sporting event, watching a presidential debate, etc, and thinking to yourself “Man, I wish I had a Voodoo doll right now.” You have, you know it, don’t deny it. Just imagine how much more fun life would be. Picture this:
Q: “Mr. President/Senator/Congressman/Wacky guy with white gloves: With growing tension in the Middle East, what is your position on Israel
A: “Well, I think it’s important to recognize….” (Stops mid-sentence and starts dancing the Funky Chicken)
[Meanwhile, in Nebraska
(Note: Yes, that was an implicit shout out to Spaceballs. I meant for it to be implicit, but If I don’t source it out I can be accused of, what’s that word, copy something infringe something.)
3. Lynda Carter. (Yes, Wonder Woman. No, I’m not kidding. Have you seen her lately? She can still lasso me any time.)
4. M*A*S*H and Cheers. These are two of the best television shows ever produced and they should never go away ever. Of course this invokes the great debate: best comedic duo, Hawkeye and BJ Honeycut (or Trapper John, if you’re a purist), or Norm and Cliff?
5. Fedoras. Call me a traditionalist, but the era in which men wore fedoras was a classier time. A more civil time. When the only ones shooting each other were real gangsters, the kind that wore custom-tailored suits with suspenders and spats. And when I say fedora, I am not talking about these short brimmed, wannabe head covers worn nowadays by twitfaced little hipsters. I’m talking Elliot Ness/Al Capone, Indiana Jones, honest to God fedoras. Picture the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark – Indy and Marion walking down the steps, Indy in a perfectly tailored suit, and a fedora. Yeah.
6. Music. Sinatra. Dino. The Beatles. The Stones. CCR. MUSIC. Not this bubblegum, ear worm, mass marketed and unadulterated crap they try to pass off for “music” these days. Justin Bieber is not a musician. He’ not even a singer. He’s an auto-tuned little twit. (Yes, twittery is the theme when referring to today’s youth.) And do not call me, maybe. I am thankful each day for my satellite radio.
7. Hugs. Really. Kids don’t want ‘em, homophobic men won’t give ‘em, and others are just indifferent. Never underestimate the healing power of wrapping your arms around someone you love, feeling their heartbeat and their warmth, and lingering long enough that you just can’t help but smile. Back slapping guy hugs are also acceptable.
8. Sleep. We are a nation of insomniacs, so much so that one of our biggest and most popular cities is nicknamed “The City That Never Sleeps.” Personally, I think sleep is overrated. I have learned to function quite well on 2.65674 hours of sleep per night. For the rest of you, though, and you know who you are (i.e. the crankypants that get pissy when you haven’t had enough sleep and whine in the line at Starbucks for your double no fat soy latte with Splenda) SHUT THE HELL UP! I JUST WANT MY COFFEE, YOU POMPOUS LITTLE TWI… *ahem* Sorry. Got a little cranky there. Maybe I should rethink this sleep thing….
9. Writing. Yes, this topic may seem a bit self serving, but I mean it. l8r, brb, k, 2nite, OMG, FML, etc are NOT WORDS. (Well, technically “etc” is the acceptable contraction of… never mind, getting off topic….) Yes, I am one of “those people” that still writes out full sentences when sending a text. Occasional use of LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMFAO may make it into my vernacular, and I apologize for those digressions.
10. Patience. This is one of which I am an admitted culprit – a severe lack of patience. Our society has grown into one of immediate gratification. Songs, movies, information, all at our fingertips. If we can’t have it right now, right now, I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!!!! Well, you get the picture. Sometimes things don’t come as quickly as you’d hope. Be. Patient. Waiting may frustrate you, torment you, even hurt you, but let’s face it, some things are worth the wait. Except flan. Gelatinous goo on a plate is never worth waiting for.
Now that you’ve read all of this, and have retreated back to your original conclusion from above that I must be off my meds, I’m sure you’re wondering why a) I wrote this, and 2) why you read it. The point is I’m getting older. I miss things. I wonder what happened to things that played a prominent part of my past but have seemingly disappeared without a whisper. Although, there are admittedly some things from our past that should not be resurrected Like leg warmers. And the remake of Red Dawn. Seriously, anyone who paid to see that in a movie theatre gets two demerits. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!
Oh, and you kids stay off my lawn, too.
© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.