Lillian's Christmas
While some of you that may read this blog were first introduced to my writing via The Diligent, you may know by now that science fiction/fantasy is not my normal genre. I'm more of a "Nicholas Sparks with a dark side" kind of writer. From time to time, though, an idea will grab hold of me without letting go and even I don't know where it will lead me until I stop and read the words that I've written. This story is one I wrote about four years ago, entitled "Lillian's Christmas." Set in my hometown village of Pittsford, New York, Lillian's Christmas follows William Masters as he struggles to raise two small children in the wake of a family tragedy. Inspired by my love of Christmas and all that surrounds it, this story was my attempt to capture the spirit of the holiday season in its purest sense. Below is the first chapter. For many reasons I am reluctant to publish this story, yet something inside me compels me to do so. I give you this first chapter in the hopes that your thoughts and comments will point me in the right direction.
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Chapter One.
Will stared out the bay window of his small village home and tried to smile. He had never wanted to live so close to a busy road, especially with the kids, but Lillian always loved the village. At this time of year though, even he had to admit that he too felt that the compromise was worth it. From that bay window he could see to the end of their street in one direction and halfway up Main Street in the other. Along Main, a lighted wreath hung on every antique lamppost all the way down to the intersection with State Street. Will, as had almost every other home owner in the village that year it seemed, decided to go with white lights. To his credit though, he did try to mix it up a little. Though the little four foot maple that stood in middle of the front yard was covered in over six hundred tiny white lights, there, in the middle, were perched two bright red cardinal decorations to give it some life. Garland hung over the windows as well as the front door, while a giant wreath adorned the front of the garage. Most of the houses in the neighborhood were similarly decorated, as were most of the shops within view on Main Street. William Masters used to love Christmas.
“Daddy!” Christian yelled as he came running into the room. “Are we going to get the tree today?” he asked excitedly. Will smiled down at his five year old son.
“We sure are, pal. We’re just waiting for Auntie Susie and Uncle Ethan to get here with the truck!” Christian ran from the room as fast as he ran in, yelling “yay!” all the way out.
“Get your sister and get your coats on!” Will yelled after him. Will glanced at the photo hanging over the fire place and did all he could to keep himself from crying. He never imagined that at ripe old age of thirty-two years he’d be raising two children under the age of five, on his own.
“God I miss you, Lillian,” he said to the picture. He didn’t have time to cry as Christian immediately came running back into the living room with his little sister in tow. Zoey had her coat on backwards. Will glared at Christian.
“Did you do this?” he asked. Christian just looked up at him with innocent eyes and shrugged his shoulders with his hands outstretched. Zoey for her part just stood there struggling to get her arms out of her backwards coat. Will leaned down and pulled the coat off his daughter. As he did, he stared at her angelic face and marveled at how much she looked just like her mother.
“Daddy,” Zoey began. “Is mommy coming home this Christmas?” Will took a deep breath and tried to keep it together. It wasn’t exactly easy to explain death to a three year old.
“No honey, mommy’s not coming back for Christmas. Mommy can never come back to us, sweetie. She’s up in heaven, remember?” Will prepared for tears and confusion. Instead what he got was a three year old with blond curls smacking herself in the forehead.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”
It was a cute moment made cuter by the fact that she smacked herself a little too hard, exclaimed “ow!” and then burst out laughing. It was moments like that when he thanked God that the kids were still so young and innocent. Will zipped up her coat, pulled her close and kissed her on the forehead. Just as he did, he heard the car horn in the driveway.
“Ok you two! Let’s go get a tree!” The kids went bounding out into the driveway to greet their aunt and uncle. Will followed them slowly, and reluctantly.
“Hey sis,” Will said as Susie got out of the car to help load the kids in.
“Hey you, yourself. Are you sure you’re up for this?”
Will smiled. “No,” he replied shortly and jokingly. “But I’ll be ok. Thanks for doing this.” Susie raised her hand to her little brother’s cheek.
“I’m so proud of you William. Lilly would have been proud, too. She wouldn’t have wanted your life to end with hers, and you know that.” Will nodded in agreement and appreciated to consolation that his sister was trying to convey, though it didn’t help. Lillian hadn’t even been gone two years. He still couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without her.
“Daddy, let’s go,” Zoey whined from the car seat behind Ethan.
“Ok already!” he said with a forced smile. Susie graciously climbed into the back seat next to Zoey while Christian occupied the booster in the back. Susie didn’t mind giving up her co-pilot’s seat to her little brother, mostly because she loved the time she got to spend being so close to the kids. The whole ride out they played “I Spy” and other silly games. Lillian used to do that, too. Will took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was doing this for the children.
Once they got to farm, Will Masters led his family drudgingly through the snowy fields until they came to a group of Frasier Firs. Will always seemed to find the perfect tree within seconds of wandering away from the barn, but Lillian always needed to make sure they weren’t overlooking something spectacular. Inevitably they always ended up going back and cutting down the first one, anyway. This time was no different, with the sole exception being the fact that Lilly wasn’t there to make him keep looking. Susie graciously filled the role and the kids obliged in searching, though their whines for hot chocolate grew in frequency the longer they walked along.
“Wow” Will said when Christian pointed to a tree out in the distance. They all stopped and stared at perhaps the most naturally beautiful Christmas tree they had ever seen. It was perfect in every way, from the perfect height to the perfect width. Susie elbowed her brother in the ribs to subtly inform him that, this year, his son had found a better tree than any one Will would have chosen.
“I think someone is looking out for you this year,” Susie whispered.
“Shut it, you,” he quipped as he glared at his sister before turning to the kids. “Is this the one, then?” Christian and Zoey jumped up and down, yelling excitedly.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Will joked and toyed with them. “I don’t know, maybe there’s a better one.”
The chorus of “daddy!” in unison told him that there wasn’t. He knelt down and began cutting. By the time they had dragged the tree back to the barn to have it bound for the ride home it had begun to snow lightly. Having gotten the kids snuggly into their seats, Susie stood back and grinned as she watched her brother and her husband secure the tree to the top of the truck. As strong as Susie had been for her brother, even she grew weak in that moment and wished that Lillian was standing there with her. Though the kids clambered on and on about how to decorate the tree and what they wanted for Christmas, Will rode without saying a word. Ethan glanced at him but knew enough not to pry. Once they were home, Will and Ethan struggled to get the tree in the stand and secured it down while Susie made the cocoa. Ethan went into the kitchen to help her while Will tightened everything down and returned a moment later.
“Where do you want me to put these?” Ethan asked as he came back into the living room holding Christian upside down under one arm, Zoey under the other. Both of the children were giggling uncontrollably.
“God I miss Lilly.” Will whispered to himself. She loved moments like that. She lived for them. Susie could see the sadness on his face and handed him a cup of cocoa.
“Shut up and be happy, damn it!” Susie always looked out for him and he honestly didn’t know how he could have gotten through Lilly’s sickness without his big sister.
“I love you, Susie-Q,” he said as he stood and hugged her. Ethan put some Christmas music on the stereo and they all stood together and stared at the tree. It wasn’t much to look at just yet as its cold branches had yet to fall, but by morning it would be something spectacular.
“I think we should have Christmas here this year,” Susie blurted out without thinking. As much as she looked out for her brother and always thought that she knew best, there were those times that she just went just a little too far. Will had pretty much skipped Christmas the year before. Though the Masters’ house did have a tree, Will had really only gone through the motions for the kids’ sakes. Knowing his sister was only trying to help him move on, Will still wasn’t sure if he was ready to host a holiday without Lillian by his side.
“Can we? Can we daddy?” Zoey asked repeatedly. Finally, he had no choice but to acquiesce.
“Sure, we can have Christmas here this year. But Auntie Susie is going to help with the cooking,” he said as he glared at his sister. She just grinned.
After Susie and Ethan had left, and after he had put the kids to bed, Will poured himself a glass of scotch and collapsed on the couch. Having turned off the lights in the living room, Will let the pale glow from the Christmas lights outside cast melancholy shadows across the room. He stared at the tree and began to weep. This would be the second Christmas without Lillian and no amount of holly, ornaments, or Christmas turkey could fill the hole in his heart. He wept silently, holding his face in his hands.
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” she asked. Will looked up and stared into Lillian’s face, wiping the tears from his own. Lillian was hunched down, resting her elbows on his knees and holding her chin up with her intertwined fingers.
“Why are you still here?”
Her smile beamed back at him. “Because, William, you’re not done with me yet.” Lilly stood and walked over to the tree. Taking in its shape and smell, she held out her hand to brush its needles. Though her hand passed over them one way, then the other, the branches made no movement. “So you finally took my advice and got a good tree,” she said. Will just watched her.
“Lilly, as much as I want to you to be, you’re not supposed to be here,” he said to her, trying to will her image away.
“Will, we’ve been through this. I’m here because you need me to be.”
He hated to admit it, but she was right. He couldn’t do it on his own, but he couldn’t do it with her, either. He couldn’t touch her, couldn’t feel the warmth of her embrace, and he couldn’t taste the sweetness of her lips. The pragmatist in him told him that there was another reason she haunted him, and that his time with her would be short. The romantic in him hoped she’d never leave.
“Lilly, I don’t get it. You say you want me to move on, but you won’t let me.”
Lilly smiled. “I’m your imagination, William. I’m here because you want me to be here, not because I want to be.”
Will couldn’t help but chuckle. She was right again. As much pain as they caused, their little conversations were both comforting and soothing. For so many nights when she was alive Will would wait until she fell asleep just so that he could happily stare at her resting face, thankful someone so beautiful had come into his life.
“You’re doing it again,” she told him.
“Doing what?” he asked, confused.
“Staring at me.”
Will scoffed. “I can’t help it, Lillian. You’re not supposed to be here.”
Lilly chuckled. They had had this same conversation at least a dozen times since she died. “Fine, I’m going now. I’ll be here when you need me.”
Will sighed and closed his eyes. Lillian was gone when he opened them. Only the ethereal glow of the tiny, twinkling lights from outside, now swaying in the winter’s breeze and reflecting off a lightly falling snow, filled the room.
Will stared out the bay window of his small village home and tried to smile. He had never wanted to live so close to a busy road, especially with the kids, but Lillian always loved the village. At this time of year though, even he had to admit that he too felt that the compromise was worth it. From that bay window he could see to the end of their street in one direction and halfway up Main Street in the other. Along Main, a lighted wreath hung on every antique lamppost all the way down to the intersection with State Street. Will, as had almost every other home owner in the village that year it seemed, decided to go with white lights. To his credit though, he did try to mix it up a little. Though the little four foot maple that stood in middle of the front yard was covered in over six hundred tiny white lights, there, in the middle, were perched two bright red cardinal decorations to give it some life. Garland hung over the windows as well as the front door, while a giant wreath adorned the front of the garage. Most of the houses in the neighborhood were similarly decorated, as were most of the shops within view on Main Street. William Masters used to love Christmas.
“Daddy!” Christian yelled as he came running into the room. “Are we going to get the tree today?” he asked excitedly. Will smiled down at his five year old son.
“We sure are, pal. We’re just waiting for Auntie Susie and Uncle Ethan to get here with the truck!” Christian ran from the room as fast as he ran in, yelling “yay!” all the way out.
“Get your sister and get your coats on!” Will yelled after him. Will glanced at the photo hanging over the fire place and did all he could to keep himself from crying. He never imagined that at ripe old age of thirty-two years he’d be raising two children under the age of five, on his own.
“God I miss you, Lillian,” he said to the picture. He didn’t have time to cry as Christian immediately came running back into the living room with his little sister in tow. Zoey had her coat on backwards. Will glared at Christian.
“Did you do this?” he asked. Christian just looked up at him with innocent eyes and shrugged his shoulders with his hands outstretched. Zoey for her part just stood there struggling to get her arms out of her backwards coat. Will leaned down and pulled the coat off his daughter. As he did, he stared at her angelic face and marveled at how much she looked just like her mother.
“Daddy,” Zoey began. “Is mommy coming home this Christmas?” Will took a deep breath and tried to keep it together. It wasn’t exactly easy to explain death to a three year old.
“No honey, mommy’s not coming back for Christmas. Mommy can never come back to us, sweetie. She’s up in heaven, remember?” Will prepared for tears and confusion. Instead what he got was a three year old with blond curls smacking herself in the forehead.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”
It was a cute moment made cuter by the fact that she smacked herself a little too hard, exclaimed “ow!” and then burst out laughing. It was moments like that when he thanked God that the kids were still so young and innocent. Will zipped up her coat, pulled her close and kissed her on the forehead. Just as he did, he heard the car horn in the driveway.
“Ok you two! Let’s go get a tree!” The kids went bounding out into the driveway to greet their aunt and uncle. Will followed them slowly, and reluctantly.
“Hey sis,” Will said as Susie got out of the car to help load the kids in.
“Hey you, yourself. Are you sure you’re up for this?”
Will smiled. “No,” he replied shortly and jokingly. “But I’ll be ok. Thanks for doing this.” Susie raised her hand to her little brother’s cheek.
“I’m so proud of you William. Lilly would have been proud, too. She wouldn’t have wanted your life to end with hers, and you know that.” Will nodded in agreement and appreciated to consolation that his sister was trying to convey, though it didn’t help. Lillian hadn’t even been gone two years. He still couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life without her.
“Daddy, let’s go,” Zoey whined from the car seat behind Ethan.
“Ok already!” he said with a forced smile. Susie graciously climbed into the back seat next to Zoey while Christian occupied the booster in the back. Susie didn’t mind giving up her co-pilot’s seat to her little brother, mostly because she loved the time she got to spend being so close to the kids. The whole ride out they played “I Spy” and other silly games. Lillian used to do that, too. Will took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was doing this for the children.
Once they got to farm, Will Masters led his family drudgingly through the snowy fields until they came to a group of Frasier Firs. Will always seemed to find the perfect tree within seconds of wandering away from the barn, but Lillian always needed to make sure they weren’t overlooking something spectacular. Inevitably they always ended up going back and cutting down the first one, anyway. This time was no different, with the sole exception being the fact that Lilly wasn’t there to make him keep looking. Susie graciously filled the role and the kids obliged in searching, though their whines for hot chocolate grew in frequency the longer they walked along.
“Wow” Will said when Christian pointed to a tree out in the distance. They all stopped and stared at perhaps the most naturally beautiful Christmas tree they had ever seen. It was perfect in every way, from the perfect height to the perfect width. Susie elbowed her brother in the ribs to subtly inform him that, this year, his son had found a better tree than any one Will would have chosen.
“I think someone is looking out for you this year,” Susie whispered.
“Shut it, you,” he quipped as he glared at his sister before turning to the kids. “Is this the one, then?” Christian and Zoey jumped up and down, yelling excitedly.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Will joked and toyed with them. “I don’t know, maybe there’s a better one.”
The chorus of “daddy!” in unison told him that there wasn’t. He knelt down and began cutting. By the time they had dragged the tree back to the barn to have it bound for the ride home it had begun to snow lightly. Having gotten the kids snuggly into their seats, Susie stood back and grinned as she watched her brother and her husband secure the tree to the top of the truck. As strong as Susie had been for her brother, even she grew weak in that moment and wished that Lillian was standing there with her. Though the kids clambered on and on about how to decorate the tree and what they wanted for Christmas, Will rode without saying a word. Ethan glanced at him but knew enough not to pry. Once they were home, Will and Ethan struggled to get the tree in the stand and secured it down while Susie made the cocoa. Ethan went into the kitchen to help her while Will tightened everything down and returned a moment later.
“Where do you want me to put these?” Ethan asked as he came back into the living room holding Christian upside down under one arm, Zoey under the other. Both of the children were giggling uncontrollably.
“God I miss Lilly.” Will whispered to himself. She loved moments like that. She lived for them. Susie could see the sadness on his face and handed him a cup of cocoa.
“Shut up and be happy, damn it!” Susie always looked out for him and he honestly didn’t know how he could have gotten through Lilly’s sickness without his big sister.
“I love you, Susie-Q,” he said as he stood and hugged her. Ethan put some Christmas music on the stereo and they all stood together and stared at the tree. It wasn’t much to look at just yet as its cold branches had yet to fall, but by morning it would be something spectacular.
“I think we should have Christmas here this year,” Susie blurted out without thinking. As much as she looked out for her brother and always thought that she knew best, there were those times that she just went just a little too far. Will had pretty much skipped Christmas the year before. Though the Masters’ house did have a tree, Will had really only gone through the motions for the kids’ sakes. Knowing his sister was only trying to help him move on, Will still wasn’t sure if he was ready to host a holiday without Lillian by his side.
“Can we? Can we daddy?” Zoey asked repeatedly. Finally, he had no choice but to acquiesce.
“Sure, we can have Christmas here this year. But Auntie Susie is going to help with the cooking,” he said as he glared at his sister. She just grinned.
After Susie and Ethan had left, and after he had put the kids to bed, Will poured himself a glass of scotch and collapsed on the couch. Having turned off the lights in the living room, Will let the pale glow from the Christmas lights outside cast melancholy shadows across the room. He stared at the tree and began to weep. This would be the second Christmas without Lillian and no amount of holly, ornaments, or Christmas turkey could fill the hole in his heart. He wept silently, holding his face in his hands.
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” she asked. Will looked up and stared into Lillian’s face, wiping the tears from his own. Lillian was hunched down, resting her elbows on his knees and holding her chin up with her intertwined fingers.
“Why are you still here?”
Her smile beamed back at him. “Because, William, you’re not done with me yet.” Lilly stood and walked over to the tree. Taking in its shape and smell, she held out her hand to brush its needles. Though her hand passed over them one way, then the other, the branches made no movement. “So you finally took my advice and got a good tree,” she said. Will just watched her.
“Lilly, as much as I want to you to be, you’re not supposed to be here,” he said to her, trying to will her image away.
“Will, we’ve been through this. I’m here because you need me to be.”
He hated to admit it, but she was right. He couldn’t do it on his own, but he couldn’t do it with her, either. He couldn’t touch her, couldn’t feel the warmth of her embrace, and he couldn’t taste the sweetness of her lips. The pragmatist in him told him that there was another reason she haunted him, and that his time with her would be short. The romantic in him hoped she’d never leave.
“Lilly, I don’t get it. You say you want me to move on, but you won’t let me.”
Lilly smiled. “I’m your imagination, William. I’m here because you want me to be here, not because I want to be.”
Will couldn’t help but chuckle. She was right again. As much pain as they caused, their little conversations were both comforting and soothing. For so many nights when she was alive Will would wait until she fell asleep just so that he could happily stare at her resting face, thankful someone so beautiful had come into his life.
“You’re doing it again,” she told him.
“Doing what?” he asked, confused.
“Staring at me.”
Will scoffed. “I can’t help it, Lillian. You’re not supposed to be here.”
Lilly chuckled. They had had this same conversation at least a dozen times since she died. “Fine, I’m going now. I’ll be here when you need me.”
Will sighed and closed his eyes. Lillian was gone when he opened them. Only the ethereal glow of the tiny, twinkling lights from outside, now swaying in the winter’s breeze and reflecting off a lightly falling snow, filled the room.
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