Clowns Can Eat Hot Death... With Arsenic Sprinkles.

As Halloween rapidly approaches let us all rejoice together in the spirit of the holiday. Come on now, join hands, and let's all wish for the clowns of the world to be swallowed up by a giant, magma filled fissure in the Earth's crust, never to darken our doorways with their creepy, painted faces ever again. I jest, of course. Sort of. I do not really wish all clowns to die flaming deaths in the depths of Hades. Mostly.

I do not know when, where or why I developed such a deep-seated case of coulrophobia. I must admit though it is far less an actual fear that it is an instance of clowns just irritating the ever-living snot out of me. (Ok, sidebar here... where did the descriptive terminology that is "ever-living" come from? Snot is not ever-living. I don't know why I really said that, except for the fact that when you put "ever-living" in front of something it makes it that much more dramatically poignant. In any event, that's another Halloween topic of discussion for another day: Ever Living Snot - Do zombies get head colds, and other unanswered questions about the undead... but I digress.)

Seriously, let's take a look at some evil clowns throughout history - Take Ronald McDonald, for example. Yes, Ronald is evil. I don't care if he has his "house" that gives to the needy. Ronald McDonald makes American children fat, enticing them with his "happy," fat laden meals and cheap toys. Ergo, Ronald McDonald = evil clown. And let's not forget Stephen King's It. (Actually, let us. Please. I try to forget. I really do. Damn you Stephen King and your haunting imagery.) Then there was the creeper who showed up to one of my childhood birthday parties with balloons while wearing a pink gorilla suit. Yes, you read that correctly. Pink. Gorilla. Suit. Ok, technically he wasn’t a clown but, who other than a clown, would wear a PINK gorilla suit? (So help me, if one of you says "a gay anthropologist" I'm going to beat you with my keyboard.) I think Bart Simpson summed it up best when he uttered the infamous words "can't sleep, clown will eat me."

So why, you ask curiously, do I dislike clowns so much? Perhaps it is the inherent nature of the beast – Clowns are generally grown men who paint their faces to play with children. (Keep in mind I’m Catholic and anyone who makes a correlating joke about priests here will receive an equally irksome keyboard beating.) That's just... weird. BUT, there is hope for those of the clowning persuasion.

At my niece's birthday party recently, Clumsy the Clowninator (not his real stage name) entertained the children. And you know what? Clumsy was ok in my book. Why? No big, stupid shoes, no colored wig or fake nose, no face paint. Just a goofy guy wearing purple pants doing goofy stuff and making kids laugh. If we needed to, we could easily pick him out of a line up. (Not that we needed to....) He was able to entertain without hiding behind make up and false body parts.... unlike Joan Rivers, who fails to even achieve the entertainment stage of that scenario.

So, in hindsight, is the world a better place without clowns? Yes. Do I really want them to die horribly? Ye...No. Will I live a full, happy and healthy life if I never see another clown again? Emphatically yes. Is this feeling of mine irrational? Clowns may think so. Clowns are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Stupid clowns.

So with that, may you have a happy, clown-free Halloween. And kids? Do NOT take imaginary candy from a mime. You don’t know where it hasn’t been.