Reflections on Forty-Five: A Birthday Introspection

Hey gang. So, er, um… yeah; I am admittedly writing this post about a month later than I normally would. I was honestly a bit surprised, and humbled, when several of you asked when this post would be coming this year, if at all. As a writer you always hope people are reading your work, but you never really can be sure that your words are coming through. I will totally admit that I had a bit of a “they like me, they really like me” Sally Field moment when people reached out, and for that I thank you.

Now, for you newer readers in the last year that are wondering what in the hoppin hell I’m talking about, I’ll explain: Even newer readers should know by now that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am unafraid and unashamed about sharing the innermost workings of this overactive mind of mine here on these pages. Well, turning forty years old five years ago was obviously a milestone, and one with which I struggled a little. Trying to find the best way to express what I was feeling at the time, I turned to the words of Jimmy Buffet. Using A Pirate Looks at Forty as my baseline, I was able to convey what was going through my head in relation to the song’s lyrics.

Each year since, around the time of my birthday, I’ve picked a song that best exemplifies my state of mind as I conclude one year of my life and begin another. This year, however… well, let’s just say I’ve had a bit going on. Craziness at work, parenthood, and a new opportunity all converged to muddle my mind even more than usual. Things have finally slowed down enough for me to take two breaths and finally reflect on turning forty-five. This year, I do so to the tune of The River, by Garth Brooks.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores

There is no question that my dreams are ever changing these days. I dream of my daughter’s future; I dream of an upcoming life in marriage once again, and I dream of all the future now holds. And yes, I admit that I enter marriage again. I do so this time having learned some difficult and valuable lessons from my past relationships, armed with the knowledge of my own faults and expectations, both of myself and of my partner. I don’t know what’s in store for us, but I dream of it. I don’t know what’s in store for the career of which I’ve entered my twentieth year. As much as I can dream positively, I move forward too with a degree of anxious uncertainty, which makes each day, in some ways, a bit of a struggle.

[refrain]

And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

As the refrain suggests, all I can do is live my life and carry on, following where the proverbial waters of my life’s river flow. Like a bird in the sky, I have a vastness of opportunity before me. If there’s a destination, goal, achievement I want to reach, I’ve no choice but to continue on until I’m no longer able.

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
It has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide

For far too long in my life I’d been submissive, mired in self-doubt. As a result I did stand aside and let life, and the opportunities it held, slip away passed me. Too often I’d put off reaching for something, trying something new, daring to do or be something different until a later time. It’s taken failed relationships, bouts of severe depression and anxiety, therapy, medication, and a lot of self-reflection to bring me to be the man writing this. I was able to find my inner center, ground myself, and be happy. Only when that happened did I find the perfect partner, a healthy relationship, and was able to start the family I’ve always wanted.

As happy as I am, there are still some things in my life with which I’m not satisfied. Am I going to stand still and pretend it doesn’t matter? No. Fuck that. I’m taking chances and daring to change those things in my life I want to change.

If you would have asked me even a few years ago if I’d answer a popular, pop culture website’s call seeking writers, I would have politely replied no, as I didn’t possess the courage or the confidence then to do so. Now, I’m a different me. I answered that call, and have now written over one hundred-plus articles for thathashtagshow.com about one of my life’s passions: Star Wars. I have been able to release my inner geek outwardly, and proudly. As a result I even participated as an “expert” on the show’s weekly webcast this past Sunday. It may seem like a silly achievement, talking about a make-believe movie series, but you know what? I like it. I fucking love it. I’m enjoying it, and I’m proud of it. And doing this gives me more courage and confidence to chance the faster rapids and dance the higher tides that will come my way.

 [refrain]

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all

As good as things are, and as good as I know they will be, I’d be fooling myself if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that there’s going to be difficult and painful times along the way as well. I’m not church-going man, but I pray, and I carry God with me every day of my life with symbols of His grace tattooed on my arms. I know that with a little faith, the support of my family and friends, and perseverance, I will get through whatever comes my way.

And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Lord, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Forty-five. I am forty-five years old, and at this age I’ve just begun a younger man’s journey. I can now, happily, proudly, and emotionally say that I am father, first and foremost. I am a partner, soon to be a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a writer, a poet, a lawyer, an athlete, a handyman, a counselor, and so much more. I am every bit the sum of my experience, all forty-five years of it and counting. I am blessed, with someone who loves me, with a child that lights up my life like a thousand suns, and with a loving and caring family, one I’ve both been born into and have grown with so many friends I call dear.  

I don’t feel old at forty-five. I feel fuller of life than perhaps I ever have, and that makes me far younger than my years. So I will follow this ever changing river, ride its rapids and follow where they lead. I will continue to learn from my past and sail on. I have a destination to reach, and I’m not there yet.

I will leave you once again with my gratitude; everyone reading these words is an important part of my life, whether we’ve met or remain strangers but for these pages. You inspire me, and carry me during those times I stumble, and for that I am forever grateful. So thank you for sticking around another year and helping me to be who I am. I may write a lot of words, but none of them will ever adequately express how much all those in my life truly mean to me.

With love,

~JJ

© 2018 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.