Ramblings of a New Dad: Fourteen Week Wake-Up

*YAWN*

 

(Baby not sleeping much?)

 

*gives stink eye*

 

(So, that's a no, then?)

 

To be fair, she actually slept pretty well last night. A whopping four plus-hours during the first stint, but a scant two-and-a-half in the second. We're getting there. But…

 

Good grief, child. Momma and daddy need some good rest so we don't, you know, put your bib on the dog and your diapers in the fridge.

 

(Please tell me you didn't.)

 

No, I didn't. For one thing the bibs won't fit on the dog. Not that I've tried. *ahem* But I did find myself folding up a dirty diaper the other day into a perfectly neat, square little package before depositing it in the diaper genie. Because I thought that was the thing to do. At 4:26 am. I mean, I didn't want the genie to be offended by an unfolded diaper. What genie likes unfolded pee-pee diapers, really?

 

(You realize "Diaper Genie" is a brand name and there isn't really a genie in the trash can, right?)

 

I won't tell him you said that.

 

(*smh*)

 

YES, I understand that. I'm sleep-deprived, not lobotomized. You understand that you're not real and are just a voice inside my head, right? Wait…

 

Shit. I really am having a conversation with myself now.

 

*sigh*

 

So parenting an infant is hard. I think we can all agree on that. As good as my child is, and I have to be honest, she really is, there are just some things outside of our control. Okay, pretty much everything with an infant is outside of our control. No matter how much we feed her, how active she is during the day, or how much or how little she may nap, the fact remains that this little munchkin o' mine still isn't getting that solid night of sleep we'd hoped she'd be getting by three months. Incidentally, she's fourteen weeks old today… even though she was three months' old last Sunday. I still don't get the whole how-to-age-your-baby thing. Anywhoos…

 

There's a point here somewhere, namely that for all the planning and scheduling you do, babies don't give a flying snot. Although she actually did give a flying snot this morning. Baby sneezes are cute, until they do it into your mouth. For those playing the home game:

 

Times daddy has gotten baby bodily fluids sprayed into my mouth: Two.

 

Times mommy has: Zero.

 

Moral of the story: Daddy really needs to keep his mouth closed.

 

Still, are baby sneezes not the cutest thing ever?

 

(You're rambling more than usual today.)

 

I know. I'm a bit out of sorts. Even though she slept a little longer, for whatever reason her parents did not. We both tossed and turned a lot last night. I think we just have a lot on our minds. For one thing, this is the last week before momma heads back to work. Here's one thing perhaps those that without children don't understand, or maybe understand, but don't quite comprehend:  Maternity leave is not vacation. For three months momma has spent day in and day out caring for our child. Diapers. Feedings. Tummy-time and playing and reading and doing all the things a new mom does. But the focus, the sole focus for the last three lunar cycles has been this child. And then *poof* just like that it's back to the former reality of working outside of the home.

 

I say former reality because having a child truly does alter your realty. Your normal is a whole different kind of normal now. Normal means getting up, feeding and caring for another human being that is unable to do so for herself… and then having to leave that child.

 

It. Fucking. Sucks.

 

Admittedly I had to do it far sooner, and even sooner than I had originally intended. We'll leave that gripe for another day…. But leaving my daughter each day, after holding her in my arms and getting those first, early morning smiles? Not easy. Mom will be doing that for the first time come Monday next week.

 

Unsolicited Parenting and Partnership Advice #2: You are a team. You created a child together, and you care for the child together, because you're a family. That means you stick together, and you care for each other, too. I cannot stress enough the importance of mutual support. There have been times where I haven't been able to sleep and she's taken an extra shift. Just Friday I went to the movies with a friend. She's gone out to dinner or out to get her hair done and I've stayed home. It's what you. IT'S WHAT YOU DO. So when one of you gets low, the other steps up. There are so many things that will frustrate you as the parent of an infant, and as a parent in general. You'll get tired, testy, scared, and upset. Parenting is an emotional gauntlet: Just when you think you've cleared one obstacle, eleventeen more pop up in your path. Talk to each other, be honest with each other. And be supportive.

 

This is some scary stuff. At three months old my daughter can now roll over onto her stomach with a fair degree of ease. What if she does that when we transition her to her crib? What if she can't roll back over and suffocates? I think I'm swaddling this kid till she's twelve. You can't be too safe.

 

(Hang in there. You guys are doing great.)

 

I know, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Of course, there's other times when she does something extraordinary and you feel like Wonder Dad. It's a rollercoaster.

 

I really am rambling with this one, aren't I? I think the looming transition to child care is weighing on me too, and more than I anticipated. We toured the facility last week, and I have the utmost faith and confidence in her care providers… but….

 

But.

 

Everything is different when it's your kid. Everything.

 

So if the earworm hasn't already taken hold, I'm going to make sure it does now; I'm reminded of the wise of words of the sage poet Jimmy Buffett as we approach our child's first day of daycare, and I'll just leave this here for both my child and her momma. As fluent and fluid as I fancy myself with my words, sometimes the words of others, simple words, suffice:

 

Come Monday, it will be alright. Come Monday, I'll be holding you tight.

 

When I first sat down to begin writing this post today I struggled with how to inject some more humor into it. But you know what? I don't need to. Sometimes I just need to write to let the thoughts in my head escape their cranial confines. So in no particular order, I'll leave you with these fleeting thoughts of mine. Some are funny. Some aren't. Some are heartwarming. Some, well, some are just thoughts. There's more. There's plenty more. But as with the ending of Avengers: Infinity War, I'm not going to spoil it for you.

 

• There is nothing in this world that warms my heart more than when daughter looks up at me and smiles. Nothing.
• Being an atypical guy and capably acknowledging my emotions actually sucks sometimes. There are moments I almost wish I could be a typical, disassociated male so that things don't affect me the way they do. Almost.
• There have been times when the dog and the child were farting back and forth like dueling banjos. It's amusing. Stinky, but amusing.
• On the subject of the dog:  I seriously cannot have asked for a better scenario. This dog has embraced the baby so fully that she will guard her, is gentle with her, and will check on her when she cries. Man's best friend, indeed.
• Ludacris reading Llama Llama Red Pajama is now right up there with Samuel L. Jackson reading Go the Fuck To Sleep as two of my favorite parenting things in the history of parenting things.
• It still seems so surreal to think that I am, and now have been a parent for fourteen weeks.
• I have medication in the medicine cabinet that expired before this child was even conceived. I should probably get rid of that.
• On the topic of medication: Forgetting to take your allergy medicine in a sleep-deprived stupor even for one day is bad. Like, epically bad. Like eyes-burning, nose-running, asthma-inducing, head-fogging BAD.
• I seriously need to get back into the gym. Remember all that weight I lost? I put a little over a third of it back on. Bad show. I have less than a month to lose it and get back in shape before my first 5k of the year.
• My child sleeps with one arm behind her head… just like I do.
• It snowed yesterday. On April 29^th. SNOWED. We have a kick-ass jogging strolling we've barely been able to use. Get your shit together, Mother Nature.
• As hard this parenting stuff is, I know I'm going through it with the right person by my side.

 

I guess that's all I got for now. I'll be funnier next time. I mean, there's gonna be plenty of funny. This kid is my kid, after all.

 

(You're screwed.)

 

Yeah, but in the best kind of way.

 

 

 

 

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