Forty-Four

Time fascinates me. Well, not so much time, but what transpires within its confines. So much can happen in so little time, and so many subtle things can evolve over longer periods of time that you barely notice them. For me, it's that time again; it's a time when I stop and reflect on the past year and all that's taken place to bring me to the place I stand as I approach another birthday. And oh, so much has changed.

 

I often find myself beginning Facebook posts, and paragraphs on these pages, with the words "those that know me well know that…" because there are many of you that do, in fact, know me well. I include in that group: friends I've known for years; family; and those that have only come to know me recently, but who have truly come to know me. I even count among that group you readers of this blog whom I've never met; through your readings of these pages you've learned much about me. And those that know me well, know that I don't like birthdays. I don't like the celebration, I don't like the attention. Birthdays have always seemed to me to be much ado about nothing. It seems paradoxical, I know, as blogging is often deemed narcissistic escapism the very purpose of which is to draw attention to one's self. What can I say? I'm a paradoxical enigma.

 

If there is one thing I've come to appreciate about aging, however, it's the opportunity to sit down, reflect and self-examine. It's something I do far more than once a year, but perhaps I place a little more emphasis on the subject when I know I am approaching the passing of another year of my existence. Two weeks from tomorrow, I will be forty-four years old. And just where have I gone and gotten to in those forty-four years? Many places I never expected to visit, that much I assure you.

 

As a writer, and one who's long held a fascination with words, I'm also drawn to music and the power of lyrics. Since my fortieth birthday, beginning with the words of the sage poet Jimmy Buffet and his ballad A Pirate Looks At Forty, I've tried to find a song that best describes my state of mind as I approach my birthday, one that exemplifies my current station in life, to reflect upon my levelling-up in the game of life. It's not an easy task, and there is seldom a single song that captures the entirety of my emotional state. I like to think that I choose carefully, and cathartically, as my intention in doing so is to both allow myself a little self-inflicted therapy, and to select songs that will allow you to understand me that much more.

 

As I reflect on my life this year, I've come to find that I've not so much changed, though yes, I have indeed changed, as I have found myself, and rediscovered my center. This year's song is not only a reflection of what I've discovered about who I am, but also contains a twinge of who I still aspire to be. For forty-four, I turn to the words of Zac Brown's No Hurry.

 

You know my old car needs washing

And the front yard needs a trim

And the telephone keeps ringing

And the bossman knows I know its him

And the bills ain't gonna pay themselves

No matter anyway

Cause I ain't in no hurry today

 

I can be a high strung individual. I always have been; it's in my DNA. I recognize that, and I am constantly struggling to keep my worrisome anxiety in check. Though, at times, I may be unable to do so, I fully understand that there are those times I simply need to slow down, try to relax, and realize that I don't always have to operate in fifth gear. This first stanza of the song succinctly captures that. Does my ride need a wash? It does. Both of them, actually. Does the front lawn, more often than not, need a trim? Admittedly, and currently, yes. And in this day and age, the ringing phone is more of a dinging phone as email after email passes through my firewall. As a legal professional, I'm always on; fielding emails often late at night or far too early in the morning. Forever accessible. But, and it's a difficult "but" to have come by, but… sometimes, I'm not, and that voicemail or email is just going to have to go unanswered for a few hours.  I shouldn't always be accessible. I, like everyone else, need downtime, for my health, and my sanity. I'm gradually and begrudgingly learning to relax, thought that particular word is one most often absent from my vocabulary. So yeah, the lawn can wait. And my bills will still get paid even if I take a few hours, or *gasp* even day or two here and there, to slow down.

 

There's nothing wrong with an old cane fishing pole

And the smell of early spring

Sit down in a fold-up easy chair

On a quiet shady river bank

Let the world go on without me

Wouldn't have it any other way

Cause I ain't in no hurry today

 

Granted, I'm not much of a fisherman, and my quiet, shady shore abuts Lake Ontario, not a river, but the sentiment remains. There's nothing wrong with taking a moment to sit by the water and let the world go on without me. I've always written about the therapeutic effect the water. It does sadden me, the fact that I forget that sometimes. I am blessed to live as close to the lake as I do, and have waterside parks and my friends' home to which I can make my escape from time to time. For that, and those friends, I am eternally grateful. I have and will continue to extol the virtues of the water and the serenity it brings me. I will make the time to visit those friends, and the shore, and watch the sunset, take in the scents of a bonfire, and focus on nothing else. No, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ain't in no hurry

I'd be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow

Can wait till tomorrow

Cause I ain't in no hurry today

 

I worry. Constantly. It's unfortunately part of my nature. I'm working on it. I will always have to work on it. Because the sentiment expressed in the song is unequivocally true; worrying about those things I cannot change is a fruitless endeavor. And this year, of all years, I have a lot to worry about. As I pass this year's birthday, I'll do so with epic change forthcoming; at the time of my birthday, my fiancée will have completed the first trimester of pregnancy carrying our child, a first child for both of us.  One would think that I, the consummate worrier that I am, would be pulling my hair out right about now. Strangely, to the contrary, I've found an unexpected peace in this truth. There is a genuine calm that's come over my life, as if the universe has decided that I've been through enough shit and it's time to knock it off. Yes. I am going to be a father in early 2018, and later that year I will also become a husband to the mother of my child. I should worry. I should be nervous and full of anxiety as once again my life will take a sharp turn in direction. But I'm not. That can wait. I'm in no hurry to rush or worry things away right now; three's too much to take in and enjoy. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to relish every minute of doctor's appointments, shopping for cars seats and baby furniture, and imaging whether my child will play hockey, golf, both, or neither. If I need to borrow time, I'll do so later. Right now, I'll not hurry away the most extraordinary period of my life.

 

When I must return

To the cold cold ground

Have 'em take their time

When they lay this sinner down

 

Heaven knows that I ain't perfect

I've raised a little cain

And I plan to raise a whole lot more

Before I hear those angels sing

(Gonna get right with the lord)

But there'll be hell to pay

But I ain't in no hurry

 

I think these particular passages ring the most true to me. I 'm not perfect by any means. I've sinned, of that there is no doubt. I've participated in my fair share of trouble, as my truly closest friends can attest. I've tried to atone for my past missteps, and I'm sure there are those out there that believe I'll never fully redress my sins and ills. Hell, I'm sure there are those that will never forgive me for perceived or actual slights upon them. That's their issue, not mine. I certainly plan on living my life, enjoying it, and embracing all the mischief that I know is still to come. There will be consequences for my actions, I'm sure, and I accept that. As someone who's struggled with my faith over the years, I am still a believer. I hope and pray that the life I lead is a good one, and that my karmic gaffes will be forgiven. I seek, and will continue to seek forgiveness for those things I've thought, will think, have done and will do. No, heaven knows I'm not perfect. Tattooed on my body is a phrase in Gaelic that translates to the following: "there's no wise man without fault." I firmly believe that one cannot have wisdom without fault. Without mistake, there can be no learning. There can be no growth. But I'm in no hurry to achieve that growth all at once. Growth is progressive. I'll take all the time I can.

 

Ain't in no hurry

Be a fool now to worry

About all those things I can't change

And the time that I borrow

Can wait till tomorrow

Cause I ain't in no hurry

Ain't in no hurry

Ain't in no hurry today

 

Who am I at forty-four years old? Damned if I really know. Although, I'm starting to get a pretty good idea.  I'm a lawyer. I'm a writer, a blogger, a cynic, a marginal narcissist, and a dreamer. I'm emotional, sensitive, and empathetic. Yet, I'm also pragmatic, calculating, and precise. I like to think I'm a little bit of everything. And now? Now, I'm going to add father and husband to that list in the following year. I'm all of these things, the sum of every thought, action, reaction, and experience that's occurred in my life. And while I'll continue to grow and learn about myself, I'm in no hurry to do so. The days that come may come as they may – one at a time. And with each day a new though, new action, reaction or experience that will continued to build the man that I am.

 

My life is nothing if not a journey. I am forever grateful to all of you for taking time from your lives to wander along with me in mine. The love and support you give has never been a crutch, but rather a foundation for me. You, all of you, whether the family I was born into or the family I've chosen, my friends, and my readers, are a part of me.  I wouldn't be the man writing these words without you. Thank you for all that you are, and for accompanying me on this ride.  I couldn't do it without you.

Another birthday is upon me... But I'm in no hurry, and I'm not going to worry.

 

With thanks and love,

 

~JJ

 

 

 

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