The Absurdity of Life Hacking

You know what phrase I hate?

 

(Oh boy, here we go….)

 

"Life hack."

 

(*grabs popcorn* This is gonna be good….)

 

Seriously. "If you turn the tab on a soda can around, you can put a straw in it! Life hack!"

 

*blink blink*

 

THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR.

 

Utilizing something for its intended purpose is not a life hack. Frankly, utilizing something for a purpose for which it is not intended is not a life hack, either.

 

You. Cannot. Hack. Life.  It's called living.

 

I see so many of these stupid life hack videos and posts online, and I can't help but think to myself: when did people get so stupid that they think themselves brilliant for doing simple things?  Fill an ice cube tray with coffee and use the frozen coffee to cool your hot coffee! Life hack! Take a thing and use it as another thing! Life hack! Use string to tie things! LIFE HACK!!!!!!!!

 

Shut. Up.

 

Do people even understand what the word "hack" means? I'm guessing no, since the primary use of the term "hack", according to Merriam-Webster, is "to cut or sever with repeated irregular or unskillful blows."

 

So… we're priding ourselves by taking irregular or unskilled whacks at life.

 

*slow clap*

 

(But that's not what people mean when they say life h—)

 

I know what they intend, but it's a poor choice of words. So much of what we say boils down to a poor choice of words, especially when there are better ways to describe something. In fact there is a specific word with which we can describe acts that exhibit "cleverness or aptness of design or contrivance": ingenuity.

 

And let's face it; some of these so-called life hacks aren't all that ingenious. A lot of them are downright silly. Most can be attributable to something else that has long-since been forgotten in our society – common sense. Like, for example, tying the ends of two cords together so the plugs don't come apart. That's not a life hack, that's basic, common sense.

 

Other so-called life hacks… Don't have a cup holder? Put your drink in your shoe!

 

(That's just gross.)

 

And that's my point: putting your beverage in your dirty, sweaty, smelly shoe is not a life hack; it's disgusting.  But someone posted it on the interwebs, so… Life hack! Genius!!!

 

*bangs head on desk*

 

Here's another: using the hole in a pot handle to hold your wooden spoon. That's not a life hack. That's not even ingenious. That's. What. It. Is. Designed. For.

 

The right way to squeeze a lemon is to use a pair of tongs! Um, no. Just squeeze the f*cking thing! Using another implement, dirtying it in the process, is not a life hack – that’s making more work by now requiring you to waste water, time and energy to wash something when you could simply SQUEEZE THE G*DDAMN LEMON WITH YOUR HAND.

 

We really have become a dumb society when a) we consider these things to be brilliant ideas designed to make our lives better, and b) we flood social media with things someone with basic common sense should be able to figure out on their own without prompting.  

 

Door keeps blowing shut? Use a bungee cord to hold it open. Life hack!!!

 

No sh*t, Sherlock.

 

You don't get participation trophies for successfully existing.

 

What's worse is the fact that people now can start their own fundraising campaigns to fund their own stupidity.

 

(Well, wait a minute, some of those fund raising campaigns are legit….)

 

I don't deny that fact. There are those who cannot afford health care and use GoFundMe for much needed assistance, and other such worthy causes. I get it. But….

 

Help Tamara get to Vegas for a girls' weekend! Help Billy buy a dirt bike! Help get Kanye West out of debt! Help Jack and Jill up the hill!!

 

No.

 

How about we teach financial responsibility? Accountability? If you want to go to Vegas, work more. Get a second job. Do something to earn your way, don't beg for it on the Internet. You want that dirt bike? Yeah, I wanted a dirt bike when I was younger, too. You know what I got instead?

 

A job.

 

And while working, and earning wages from that job, I learned that I didn't need a dirt bike, I needed a car, so I could become a self-sufficient adult. And I bought a car with the money I earned. A 1981 Pontiac Phoenix, with vinyl seats and am/fm radio and everything! Was it what I wanted? HAHAHAHAHA that's cute. It was what I needed, and it served a purpose.

 

That's not to say you can't have things that you want, but if you can't afford something you want, don't go begging strangers on the interwebs for it. Earn it. It's possible, trust me. And don't give me the excuse that "well, some people just don't have what you have."

 

I know they don't. I didn't have what I have now to begin with either, but I found a way to work for it. Everyone has that capability. You really want that dirt bike? Fine – come over to my house and I'll throw you a $20 to mow my lawn. I'm not giving it to you because you started a fund-me website so you can enjoy your hobby at the expense of others.

 

Again, don't get me wrong – Some of these matters are worthy, and often times essential, and I've actually contributed. There are some circumstances that are out of people's control, and they may not have a choice but to ask. And in those cases I think it's our duty to help. But when someone just wants something for the sake of wanting something, or wants you to fund their brilliant life hack of making a grape tomato slicing contraption so that you can "hack" slicing food….

 

How about I teach you how to use a knife instead, huh? Because, it's a knife. That literally slices things. Keep it sharp and it will take you all of a minute to slice a bunch of grape tomatoes. I'm not throwing money away so lazy people can save a total of about thirty seconds of their life to slice a few tomatoes at once.

 

You want to see a real life hack? That's something that helps to preserve, extend, or actually enhance life; Things like artificial organs or limbs? Those are life hacks. Affordable medication? Life hack. Making the posts your automobile headrests pointy so that they can be used to break glass in case of emergency? LIFE. HACK.

 

(I… didn't know that was a thing. That's kind of cool.)

 

This is what I'm saying. Wouldn't you rather have someone focus on stuff like that, rather than telling you something any cook should already know? Like putting your wooden spoon across the top of the pan to keep it from boiling over? That's boiling pasta 101, not a life hack.

 

You want me to fund you? Skip the trip to Vegas and raise funds for children's lunches. I'll fund you to feed; I'm not funding you to feed your own ego or prurient desire.

 

I'll leave you with this: The best life hack ever?

 

Thinking.

 

I know, crazy, right? I mean, who does that these days? Thinking. What a novel concept. And if you don't want to think, let me set up this GoFundMe page so you can send me your money and I'll think for you.

 

Life hack. Please.

 

 

© 2017 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.