Life Happens - Live It

I've been thinking again.

 

(Good grief, now what?)

 

Life is short, so why do we deprive ourselves of, you know, things and stuff and whatnot?

 

(Oh boy, it's going to be one of those posts…)

 

*glares* Yes, yes it is. I've written here several times over the years about how we deprive ourselves, work too hard, or generally spend far too little time enjoying ourselves. And yet here I am, writing about the topic, again, because apparently I cannot follow my own advice.

 

(They do say a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client….)

 

You have no idea how true a statement that is. I was reminded recently of an article that describes how lawyers fail to extricate themselves form their profession when they're not working. There are so many truths in that article, and it got me thinking. I… dammit.

 

I'm a stereotypical lawyer.

 

(You said it, not us….)

 

I know. But sadly, it's true. I am a creature of a billable-hours world, so much so that after having worked for nearly eight months so far this year, I still have, well, several boatloads of paid time off coming to me. Eight months into the year, and I've barely used any of my paid time off. And I've no one to blame but myself.

 

Which begs the question – Why? What am I afraid of when it comes to taking time off? Sense of duty? Fear of repercussion? Both notions are nonsense. Well, a sense of duty isn't nonsense, but an over-reaching sense of duty, is. And am I going to get in trouble if I take time off? No, of course not. I like to think I'm good at what I do and that I've earned those hours of paid time off.

 

(So, what's the problem?)

 

I have a theory, and frankly it has nothing to do with my employment. In large part, it stems from my past mistakes and the driving desire to prevent myself from repeating them.

 

(You're about to get all personal and over-share now, aren't you?)

 

Yup. Come on – you know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I've got nothing to hide here. And if sharing my experiences helps others to reflect on their own lives and maybe do something to make their own lives better? Wonderful. So, here's my theory:

 

I spent a period of time of my life living so far beyond my means that now, as a result, I feel guilty for spending money.

 

Now, before you chastise me for feeling guilty, allow me to explain; when I say I lived far beyond my means, I'm not exaggerating. Credit cards with high limits, utilized to near the maximum; cars; trips to Europe; expensive restaurants, you name it. Could I have spent more wisely? Sweet bejeebus, yes, a thousand times yes.  Did I? Nope. And I paid the price for it via Chapter 11 bankruptcy. I am ashamed of that fact? Maybe a little. Should I be? Shame is perhaps a little harsh. Do I regret having gotten to that point? Most assuredly. Did I learn something from the experience? Do you really have to ask that question?

 

I am now four years removed from the discharge of my bankruptcy, and you'd never know I'd ever entered bankruptcy in the first place. My credit score is creeping ever closer to 800, I have money in the bank, a revitalized 401(k), a new every-day vehicle, and a home I purchased a little over a year ago. I have a Jeep for which I paid cash, and I have a dog. And I got to this place on my own. But…

 

(We were waiting for that….)

 

But… Now that I'm in a position of financial stability, I'm afraid to do anything to wreck it. I know thinking that way is irrational, but when you hit the proverbial rock bottom, you're uber-sensitive to returning there. And I'm fully aware that thinking in such a way is irrational. Breaking free from your own faults, however, is far easier said than done. And sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to spend money; I'm allowed to be happy; and I'm allowed to be a little frivolous.

 

(Oh my God, you're Cameron.)

 

*sigh*

 

'lil bit, yeah. Granted, I'm not so uptight that you'd have a diamond in two weeks if you shove a lump of coal up my keister, and I didn't need to wreck a Ferrari to come to any sort of epiphany, but… yeah.

 

I'm trying. I really am. It was about a year ago that I faced this same dilemma, and it was last October that I took a much needed vacation. Ironically, here I am… again looking forward to vacation in October. I think about it, and I smile, because, to go back to another 80's movie metaphor, I decided that sometimes you do just have to say what the fuck.

 

This October, I'll be checking off a bucket-list item by traveling to Austin, Texas to watch a Formula1 Grand Prix race, in person. And I'll have the trip paid in full before I even board the plane. So why, why do I still feel guilty?

 

(You're a moron?)

 

Pretty much. So here's the point of all of this: Learn from my mistakes. Heed my advice. First and foremost – Don't put yourself in a position you'll regret. Be smart. Financial management is one of the most important skills we can master as adults. I was young, stupid, and careless. In that aspect, don't be me. BUT…

 

On the flip-side, we also all work hard, and we all deserve a break. Should we be smart with our money? Of course we should. Is it okay to spend a little of it every once in a while? Yes, yes it is really, truly, unequivocally, indubitably OKAY.

 

Don't become a slave to your fears, misgivings, or misguidedness like I have been and continue to be on occasion. I should have gone somewhere, done something long before a year will have passed between vacations, and it very well will be over a year between the time I returned from Orlando and when I'll touch down in Austin. And that, my friends, is my own damned fault.

 

Am I repeating myself with this tome? Yeah, I am. Maybe it's my way of reminding myself that I need to lighten up, Francis. Blogging is, after all, much cheaper than therapy and doesn't require medication.

 

(You sure about that?)

 

Hey! I… dammit.

 

(Just sayin'.)

 

I guess that makes a point though… Sometimes you need to remind yourselves that life can, and should be, fun. As Mr. Simpson once said, "All work and no play makes Homer something something…." Well, those somethings can be many things; only you know what your somethings are. Don't let them control or overwhelm you. And if they do, take a step back and remember what's truly important - your own well-being. Without that, what good is the rest?

 

So plan a weekend getaway. Go on vacation. Hell, just take the afternoon off and go binge something on Netflix. Do something that isn't work. Do something that isn't mentally taxing. Remind yourself that it's okay to have fun, relax, and *gasp* spend a little money on yourself. Maybe even go to the spa. Or a football game. Or get the filet mignon instead of a salad the next time you go out. It's okay to indulge every once in a while. Just don't overdo it, because trust me, I speak from experience; that is when you get yourself into trouble. There's a happy medium, a healthy balance to be struck. Take some time to find it.

 

I'm lucky – I survived my own stupidity, and by the grace of [insert your deity of choice here], I managed to rebound and situate myself quite comfortably. That I'm not more comfortable is my issue, and one I'm working on. You can too.

 

So, who's got a spare room or a comfortable couch I can borrow for a weekend? I think I need to get away….

 

Wanna come?

 

 

 

© 2016 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.