In Memorial

"I've figured it out. The hardest part when someone dies so suddenly is not getting to say goodbye."

A friend of mine recently posted these words in the wake of a personal loss. I wish I could hug my friend. I wish I could be there for her, and I wish that I couldn't relate to this sentiment. But I can. Because I too lost someone suddenly this past weekend. It's not fair. It's devastating. It's heartbreaking and infuriating and leaves us asking why. Why, when there is so much evil and darkness in this world, are beacons of good and light taken from us? Why are the kind-hearted punished, afflicted, or made to suffer? Why are the very ones whose purposes were seemingly to bring joy to others deprived of that ability?

 

Don't tell me it's God's will. Don't tell me it's destiny. Don't tell me everything happens for a reason. Even if all of that is true, it assuages no pain. It offers no healing. And it still offers no reason why.

In my case, after having long been separated, I reconnected with my cousin just two years ago, ironically because of the tragedy of another. Though we didn't speak as often as we probably should or could have spoken, he was back in my life. We had the opportunity to meet each other again, rebuild our familial bonds. And now he's gone and I'm once again left asking why.

Why did he come back into my life only to leave it so suddenly? Why did we not have more opportunities to see one another, talk with one another? What purpose was there in his death?

I ask these questions knowing that I'll receive no answers. Perhaps it helps to say them aloud, to write them down, to share them, knowing that others will perhaps share my lament and know that they are not alone in thinking as I do. Maybe it's selfish of me to write these words, as they could cause more pain. I don't know. I don't know much at all. But I know a few things.

 

I know my cousin is gone.

I know that despite the sorrow so many of us feel, this world was a better place for his having been in it.

I know our lives were enriched for his having been a part in them.

I know that despite any struggles he faced, he did so with strength, courage and grace.

I know that he never thought of himself first, and was always the one to lend a hand, literally, proverbially or spiritually, even when it was he who might have needed one more.

And I'm left asking why.

Why, God, if you truly exist, would you take someone who exemplified that which you teach?

Kindness. Compassion. Empathy.

Why would you take someone that offered so much to so many?

There had better be a higher plan. There had better be a Divine calling. There had better be something. I don't need to know what it is, and I'm sure I never will, but please. Please let there be something. Let not his passing be without reason. Let not my friend's loss be without reason. Let not the fact that those left behind weren't able to say goodbye be without reason.

Let not the pain be without reason.

And let those that are gone know that we grieve, that we miss, and that we love.

For Gregg Soucie ~ RIP

For Kim Rapka ~ RIP

For all those left wondering why.