What Polonius Said....

Ok, so I saw something on Facebook that really irked me.

 

(Just one thing?)

 

Ok, something in particular, Captain Literal. I saw a meme that read "a woman can't change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her."

 

*blink blink*

 

No. Wrong. Absolutely not. The second part of this statement is without question, unequivocally, undeniably, a piece of unadulterated bullsh*t.

 

(Uh, tell us how you really feel….)

 

No. Wrong. Absolutely not. The second part of this statement is –

 

(Okay, okay! We get it…. Total BS. I can't believe I'm going to ask this question, but why?)

 

I'm glad you asked. The answer, which I'll state simply before prattling on for multiple paragraphs in further explanation, can be summed up thusly:

 

No one should have to change themselves for love. Ever.

 

Here's the thing – I've been married. Twice. I've been divorced. Twice. Sadly, and the hard way, I might add, I've learned a thing or two about relationships. There's a lot more I can learn, don't get me wrong. Frankly, no relationship is or ever will be perfect, and anyone who tells you that you don't continue to learn, grow and/or adapt in a relationship should be wearing a tinfoil hat. So, take it for what it's worth, but here are my thoughts on the notion of changing for love:

 

1.         You should never ask someone to change for love.

 

If a sentence beginning "If you love me, then you will…" ever escapes your mate's lips, my advice is to step back and reevaluate the relationship. If your mate is serious and is asking you to make changes about yourself, you need to question whether or not that person actually loves you, or some romanticized notion of you.  "If you love me you'll stop going out with the boys." "If you love me, you'll wear tighter dresses." Wrong. Because if you can't accept who I am, then you can't accept me. No one is perfect. Everyone has their quirks. No one should have to fundamentally change themselves in order to garner the love of another. There's a big difference between change and compromise. We'll delve into this a little later…. But on this topic, try this instead:

 

If you love me, then you will never ask me to change who I am.

 

2.         You should never expect someone to change for love.

 

This, in many ways, is even worse than asking someone to change. Why? Because if you expect someone to change to conform to your idealized notion of a mate, you're exhibiting a sense of entitlement you've no business harboring. "If you love me, then I expect that you'll stop wearing yoga pants in public." "If you love me, then I expect that you'll buy me jewelry for every birthday." Nope. That's not how love works. You don't enter a relationship only to expect someone to do a certain something they don't usually do, or act in a certain way when they don't normally behave in such a manor.  You don't get to say "If you're going to be with me, then I expect you to…." Nope. Nuh uh. Sorry. When it comes to expectations:

 

If you love me, then I expect that you'll be understanding, accepting and forgiving. You won't expect something of me that I cannot give, or shouldn't have to give.

 

3.         You should never think that you need to change because you love someone.

 

"A man changes himself because he loves her." No. A man changes himself because he thinks he needs to change in order for her to love him. He changes because he has low self-esteem. He changes because he has a warped sense of love, and believes that in order to love someone he needs to alter who he is regardless of the negative effect such change might have on him. He changes, frankly, because she either asked him to, or because she expects him to. [Note: I use the male example here because of the meme that started this rant, but the notion applies equally to women as well.] "I love her, so I have to stop listening to country music." "I love him, so I need to make him breakfast every morning." F*ck. That. Repeat after me:

 

I do not need to change who I am or what I do because I love another.

 

Loving does not mean you need to change your fundamental self. EVER.

 

Granted, there are of course those instances when a person should change, but I can pretty much guarantee that, in those circumstances, the person needs to change for themselves, and not for the benefit of someone else. A prime example of this is addiction, whether it be to alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, whatever the vice: such behavior should and must change because it is self-destructive.  Perhaps this is the exception to the rule, because I do believe that in order to love another, you must first love yourself, and be comfortable with yourself. "I need to stop drinking so much because I'm hurting myself by doing so." "I need to change the way I eat because I'm not being healthy and damaging my body." Fine, some change is, unfortunately, necessary…. So maybe this:

 

If I love myself, I will change my own behavior that harms me, for me.

 

Alright, enough of the "you should never." Let's try a couple "you should":

 

A.        You should understand that relationships will sometimes require compromise.

 

As I started to mention before, compromise is not the same as change. You like country. She likes hip-hop. Should you stop listening to country? Should she stop playing hip-hop? No, to both. You compromise. You listen to her music in her car. She tolerates country while in yours. You don't change your listening preferences for love, you accept those of your mate and don't ask that person to change their preferences, either. You prefer leather furniture. Your mate is against animal products. So you compromise and get the microfiber with the look and feel of leather but without the guilt. She loves Keanu Reeves movies, so you kick her right the f*ck out.

 

(We've been waiting for something like that…)

 

I jest, of course. I will reluctantly agree that liking Keanu Reeves shouldn't be a deal-breaker. So you compromise. If, on a Friday night, she wants to watch A Walk in the Clouds, you watch it. However… that means if you on a Friday night want to watch Star Wars, you watch that, too. It's all about balance. You can support or appreciate the likes and desires of the other without changing yourself in the process.

 

If we love each other, we will compromise with neither demand nor resentment. If we cannot, then we do not truly love.

 

B.        You should know that there will be some things upon which you may never agree.

 

In this case it's all about acceptance, and you have say to yourself "I don't like this aspect about him/her. Is it something I can live with?" Say he likes his hair short/sports a beard/wears an earing/wants a tattoo/whatever the case may be.  Can you accept that fact? If you ask yourself the question and you reply to yourself "well maybe I can get him to …." Then you're not being fair, and you're asking him to change, and then you have to really ask yourself if you love the person, or a fantasy version of them.

 

Here's a great example: I know of a couple of relationships in which one partner is a Buffalo Bills fan, and the other is a New England Patriots fan. There is NO agreement on fandom there, let me be clear. A while back I jokingly posted a photo on social media of myself holding a sign that said "I'm dating a Patriots fan. If this pic gets 1,000 likes she'll convert to a Bills fan." And boy did I get the likes. However… Did I really expect her to become a Bills fan? No, of course not. It was all in fun, and hell, she even took the picture. The point is, you need to examine the relationship and those things about the other person with which you disagree. If you can't live with those differences, and want or expect them to change, then you're only going to hurt your partner and yourself in the long run. It's all a matter of what you're willing to accept. And if you can't accept something, honestly, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

(But what if…. )

 

Okay... If you're a racist, or a bigot, or a misogynist, etc., and you can't accept that the other person doesn't share your sentiments, well, then you're just an assh*ole. OTHERWISE….

 

If we love each other, we will accept those things about the other upon which we cannot agree. If we cannot, then we do not truly love.

 

C.        You can't make someone else happy, even if you change.

 

Really. I'm not kidding. I forgot this piece of advice for a while. You may think the other person will be happy if you do this or that, act a certain way, or wear certain clothes. But the truth is, happiness has to come from within. I've touched on this in other posts before. You can be happy with someone, not because of someone. You can contribute to someone's happiness, but you cannot make them happy. You can change yourself, but at what cost? If they truly want something, or even need something, to be happy, and you have to change yourself to give him/or her that thing, because you "love" that person, are you really doing a service to either of you? Your mate in that instance cannot be happy unless you change, meaning that he or she can't be happy with you. Again, not fair, and unreasonable.

 

If we love each other, we will ensure that we are each happy with ourselves first such that we neither require nor expect change in the other person in order to be happy, nor believe that our love requires such change. If we cannot, then we do not truly love.  

 

"A man changes himself because he loves her." You couldn't be more wrong.

 

"A woman can't change a man because she loves him." You're godd*mn right.

 

Yea, so, that's what I think. You're free to agree, or disagree, but I'm not going to change who I am for you.  And you shouldn't change who you are, either. Unless you like Keanu Reeves movies.

 

(HEY!)

 

I'm kidding! Jeez Louise. You know I can't stay too serious for too long. It's who I am.

 

(And we wouldn't change a thing.)

 

This is why we have a healthy writer/reader relationship. Perhaps Shakespeare's Polonius put it best:

 

"This above all: To thine own self be true...."

 

 

 

© 2016 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.