A Peanuts Allergy of a Different Sort

As if it wasn't bad enough that 2015 will likely go down in history as the year in which everyone was offended by everything, I've now read something on the interwebs that is so buxomly asshatty that I don't even know if I. Can. Even.  

 

("Buxomly asshatty?" Dude. Decaf. Seriously.)

 

Amply of an asshattery nature. Is that better?

 

(Not really.)

 

Shush, you. So I am paraphrasing here, but Variety magazine recently reviewed the new Peanuts and has come out to basically say that the Peanuts are racist because the new film doesn't feature an African-American or other minority love interest for Charlie Brown.

 

*blink blink*

 

To be precise: "But a little modernization wouldn’t have hurt, especially in the diversity department. While Franklin remains Charlie Brown’s only brown friend, a non-white love interest would have been as progressive as Schulz’s tomboyish depiction of Peppermint Patty was back in the day."

 

I… I… Here. Here's my membership card to the human race. Take it. If this is what we've become, if someone is offended by the F#$%@ PEANUTS…. I just don't think I can go on. If I was allergic to this kind of stupidity I'd likely have died of anaphylactic shock a long time ago.  

 

(That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?)

 

No! No I don't think it's dramatic. What I think is dramatic is the fact that people, and I use the term loosely, take issue with the fact that the producers of the film stayed true to Peanuts lore as opposed to "modernizing" or "updating" the story to make Charlie Brown swoon over someone other than the little red-haired girl.

 

For. F*ck's. Sake.

 

Have you never read Peanuts? If there's one underlying storyline throughout the entire history of Peanuts since the beginning of time, it's that CHARLIE BROWN IS IN LOVE WITH THE LITTLE RED-HAIRED GIRL. Not "the little raven-haired, dark-skinned girl," not the "little blonde-haired girl," not "the little Asian girl." He pines for the little red-haired girl. But hey, "a little modernization wouldn't have hurt," right?

 

Okay then. Fine. Let's change everything so that no one anywhere will be offended any time ever. Hell, let's make Charlie Brown "brown." A little modernization wouldn't hurt, right? I mean his name is Brown already…

 

(Um, you're getting a little extreme here. This isn't like you.)

 

I'm trying to make a point. I'm purposely being extreme and pushing boundaries here to hopefully make people realize the absurdity of this nonsense, because when it all boils down, Peanuts has nothing to do with race.  It's a cartoon about children and a sassy beagle. It depicts kids doing kid-like things and acting like kids while being kids. Why do you have to politicize it?  

 

I mean seriously; if you truly want to tear Peanuts apart, there are far greater issues into which you can sink your teeth other than Charlie Brown loving the little red-haired girl. How about the fact that parents and parental control are almost completely absent from Peanuts? Or the fact that Lucy is, in no uncertain terms, a physically violent bully? Don't forget that Pigpen clearly doesn't receive adequate physical care. And why isn't PETA all over the fact that Snoopy is often left outside, unattended, in the cold, snow, or rain? I'm not even going to get into the tomboy/lesbian debate that surrounds Peppermint Patty, also alluded to in the Variety movie review.

 

I am constantly astounded by people's behavior when it comes to things like this. Why must people search for things by which to be offended? I mean, Charlie Brown loving the little red-haired girl? You had to stretch pretty g*ddamn far to find offense in that. All that does is create issue where there is none, and should be none. It's race-baiting, frankly. It's another example of ignorance creating a racial divide where none should exist. It would be one thing if Peanuts historically perpetuated racist stereotypes. If that were the case, sure, a little modernization probably wouldn't hurt. But to attack Charlie Brown's pure, adolescent adoration of the cute, little red-haired girl? Yeah, sorry, no. Your argument is invalid.

 

Those that take issue with this are no better than the nitwitted imbeciles that want to boycott Star Wars: The Force Awakens because it features John Boyega (who, in case you live under a rock, is African-American). Just as Charlie Brown has historically loved the little red-haired girl, Star Wars has prominently featured African-American characters. Still, people ignore the non-offensive history of the subject matter to create offense for, what, exactly? The sake of being offended?

 

If you think Charlie Brown shouldn't love the little red-haired girl, don't go see the movie. If you don't want to see John Boyega in Star Wars, don't go see the movie. If you think Keanu Reeves can't act his way out of a paper bag, don't go see his movies.

 

(Had to slide that one in there, didn't you?)

 

Things were getting a little too serious. And you know the Keanu Reeves thing is just a running gag. Let's face it, Youngblood was a classic.

 

(*smacks head*)

 

Look, people need to stop looking for ways to be offended. People need to stop making issues where there are none. Debate, reasoned and thoughtful, is welcomed and encouraged. We need to have that kind of discourse in our society. We can't progress as a people if we don't. And most certainly there are those topics that do need to be addressed. But for the love of sweet bejeebus, if you have a problem with a little large-headed boy swooning over a little red-haired girl, please wear your tinfoil hat so can easily identify and avoid you. I mean, what's next? Are we going to no longer play the song because he's bad, bad, Leroy Brown?

 

(Baddest man in the whole damn t…. Sonofabastich. I see what you did there.)

 

He is meaner than a junkyard dog, after all.

 

(Badder than old King Kon… dammit! Stop that!)

 

Maybe we just need to stop picking on the Browns. Unless we're talking about Cleveland. Because, I mean, Cleveland.

 

(I really worry about you sometimes.)

 

I know. Anywhoos…. I'm going to go buy my ticket to Peanuts now. Any non-asshats are welcome to join me.

 

 

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.