Everything, and Nothing

Every once in a while I'll write a follow up to a prior entry, though not often. In this case though, well, I just couldn't believe that that there wasn't more the story I began for Hayley and Nicholas in Everything or Nothing. It seemed too easy. You can refresh your memory by clicking here:

http://jjgoodman.blogspot.com/2015/01/everything-or-nothing.html

Their tale continues here, with Everything, and Nothing….

***

Dawn and Jenny had truly hoped that Hayley would find the love she deserved with Nicholas. True to her nature, however, Hayley couldn't break the cycle of rejecting everything good in her life, including Nicholas. He had done everything right: he'd held her close when she needed holding; He gave her space when she needed to be alone; he kissed her, wiped her tears, laughed at her corny jokes and was even honest with her when he disagreed with her. He didn't lavish her with gifts, but treated her with respect. In short, he'd lived up to all of the beliefs he had espoused that night he held her at Dawn's house. He wasn't perfect, by any means, but he was to Hayley about as perfect as a man could be. And it scared the shit out of her, so she pushed him away.

It was a curse Nicholas had suffered the better part of his adult life. He often joked that he'd become the embodiment of the notion that nice guys finish last. Genuine hope had sprung up within him when it came to Hayley and he had truly thought she'd be the one. Instead, she was simply the latest one to pulverize his heart into a million tiny, painful shards. Things had gotten "too intense," she'd told him. His response that "love is supposed to be intense" didn't go over too well. In fact, the thought of Nicholas loving her was what drove her over the edge.

Weeks went by in which they didn't speak. When Nicholas could no longer take the pain, he blocked her on Facebook, removed her contact information from his phone, and avoided gatherings at which he knew she'd be in attendance. To Nicholas, Hayley became a ghost; a spectre of his past to be forgotten. Hayley was lost to him. Though he pushed her memory from his mind, the longing for her touch lingered.

Hayley knew she'd burned the proverbial bridge with him, and eventually came to very much regret what she'd done. Nicholas was the "everything" she wanted to feel, and she lost him because of her own stubbornness and stupidity.  It wasn't so much that she didn't want to talk to him; it was that she couldn't face him. There was even a time when Nicholas would have considered getting back together, but that time passed too long ago for there to be any chance at reconciliation.

"Earth to Hayley!" said Jenny as she waved her hand in front of Hayley's face.

"What?" Hayley replied bitterly.

"Who pissed in your oatmeal this morning? Jeez!" Jenny retorted.

"Sorry. I just don't feel well. What's up?" Much the same way they had done the night Hayley and Nicholas first connected, Dawn and Jenny tried to get Hayley out of her apartment and out socializing. And, much the same way she felt that first night, Hayley wanted nothing to do with it. Still, she acquiesced and joined her friends at The Lakeside, a beach-side bar on the lake, for a few drinks and the sunset. She was staring off into the sun when Jenny tried to draw her attention.

"You disappeared there for a second. You've got to stop thinking about him."

"I wasn't thinking about him."

"Hayley, we've known each other for twenty years. I know what you're thinking before you think it. And you know what? You know I'm not going to sugar coat it. You fucked up and you lost the best thing that's ever happened to you. But you can't dwell on it. He's gone. There will be something just as good to come along, but it won't happen if you're still pining away for Nicholas."

'Thanks for the pep talk, really. It means so much," Hayley replied as she stood up from her beach chair. "I'm going to get another beer."

She never made it to the bar; as she walked through the sand towards the converted house-turned-tavern she was stopped where she stood by overwhelming grief. Nicholas was walking out towards the water with a couple of his friends. The smile on his face faded immediately when he saw her, and her heart broke all over again.

"Nicholas," she said simply.

"Hayley," he answered without stopping. His friends could see that he was visibly shaken. Whatever effect Hayley had had on him, it clearly still affected him.

"Let it go, bro," Paul ordered. "She ain't worth it."

"Yeah, you're right," Nicholas answered, and the trio of friends took some chairs to the opposite side of the roped-off beach from where Dawn and Jenny still sat. When Hayley returned Nicholas didn't even want to look at her, let alone be anywhere near her.  He wanted to sit and enjoy a couple of beers with his buddies and pretend that he hadn't seen her. That plan would never come to fruition.

"Hey," she called out. At first he ignored her. "Hey! Nicholas, I'm talking to you!" Hayley approached boldly, her swagger enhanced by the multiple Coronas she's consumed prior to that point.

"What do you want, Hayley?"

"Can we talk?"

"I don't have anything to say to you, Hayley. Go back to your friends. I don't want to fight."

"You know what, Nicholas?" she spat. "Fuck you!" With that she kicked a foot-full of sand directly into Nicholas' lap.

"Sorry guys, I'm not dealing with this. Shoot me a text later," he told his friends. Without addressing Hayley he rose and began walking across the sand towards the bar and the parking lot beyond. His indifference enraged Hayley.

"So that's it? You're just going to walk away?" Hayley's voice carried across the beach to the point that Jenny and Dawn both tried to calm her.

"Let it go, Hayley. You have no right to expect anything from him!" Dawn reminded her.

"What about my heart? What about what it expects?"

"Hayley, don't make a fool of yourself."

"Why not?" Hayley responded tearfully. "What have I got to lose?" With that Hayley wiped her eyes and bounded through the sand after Nicholas. He'd almost made it to his car by the time she caught up to him. "Nicholas, goddamn it, wait!"

Nichols stopped where he stood in the middle of the parking lot, turned, and held his arms out to his sides. "What, Hayley? Do you want to rip my heart out again? The first time wasn't enough for you?" he shouted.

"That was never what I wanted!"

"Then why did you? Huh? Why did you push me away?"

"I don't know!"

"And why are we just now having this conversation?" the anger in his voice pierced her heart. She had no answer, and when she just started at him in response, he threw his arms in the air and turned back towards his car. Something inside her finally willed her legs to move, and she ran towards him and grabbed his arm.

"I don't know! I was scared. You were everything, and it scared me. I didn't know how to handle it."

Nicholas breathed heavily and rapidly through his nostrils as if he were a raging bull. He wanted nothing more to explode his rage on her, but even then he couldn't. Instead he calmed himself and turned to her. "I loved you. I loved you and you ran from me. I opened myself up for the first time since my divorce three years ago and you ran, right when I fell the hardest."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

Nicholas scoffed and rolled his eyes. "What do you want from me Hayley?"

"Everything!" she blurted. Her tears fell freely. There was nothing more she could say.

"It's too late for that." Nicholas reached into his pocket, grabbed his keys and pressed the button to unlock the door to his truck.

"No, it's not," Hayley replied forcefully, catching Nicholas off guard. This time his anger reached its crescendo and he screamed his query again.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what you feel!"

Nicholas grabbed her by the shoulders. "You want to know what I feel? Do you really? I feel everything, Hayley, and nothing. I see you and I feel the halves of my heart, one half beating with desire, and the other dying with anguish. I feel devastated and angry. I feel as much pain as I've ever felt. I feel hopeless, because you're gone. Yet I still feel hopeful that maybe you'd wake up and realize that we're meant to be. And then, and then I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I feel an emptiness that fills me as if the floor fell out from under me and took everything I held dear to the center of the earth along with it. Everything! The anger, the sadness, the longing and love, all gone. There's nothing but a void where my heart should be. Where you should be! And in that moment the love I felt for you is replaced by hatred, and they tug and pull and fight each other until I feel like my chest is going to explode. And then I remember you're gone and the nothing returns. That's what I feel."

Hayley stepped back and placed her hand over her mouth. It was his honesty and depth of feeling that had drawn her to him in the first place. It was that same honesty and depth of feeling that now destroyed her.

"I'm, I'm sorry, Nicholas. I never meant to hurt you."

"No one ever does."

Hayley knew that no words she could speak would ever heal the wounds she caused him, and decided to let him go. "Nicholas, I'm so sorry. I'll never bother you again. I… goodbye Nicholas." Hayley ran back towards the bar, sobbing. Nicholas stood, alone in the parking lot; his eyes closed, and tried to fight the onslaught of emotion growing within him.

"What happened?" Dawn asked when Hayley returned.

"I really did blow it. I hurt him so badly, and I lost him forever."

Jenny grinned. "Are you sure about that?" Hayley looked at her, perplexed, until she turned around. Nicholas was walking towards her. Like the night they first kissed, everything and everyone around them melted away. When he reached her he said nothing. Instead, he cupped her face in his hands and let her lips stop his stride. He couldn't tell how long they kissed, and struggled to regain his breath and balance when they finally parted.  

Nicholas rested his forehead against Hayley's. "What do you want from me, Hayley?" he whispered.

"Everything, and nothing."

© 2105 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.