The Swoonworthiness of Sexy

Ok, this has potential to be a polarizing post, and I'm ok with that, because the words below are my thoughts and opinions and mine only. Agree, disagree, criticize or comment as you see fit….

 

So, I had an interesting conversation with a female friend of mine the other night about the television show Agent Carter, which stars Hayley Atwell and James D'Arcy. Essentially, the conversation centered on the swoonworthiness of the two lead characters.

 

(Swoonworth… Bloody hell, I need more caffeine for this.)

 

You love my made-up words. Hush. Anyway, my friend was a tad surprised that I found Ms. Atwell to be so attractive, in that she doesn't particularly fit the Hollywood actress mold; i.e. she's not a stick thin waif. That is precisely why I find her attractive, I explained. Curves, sassiness, sultry lips… *daydreams*

 

(Bring it on back there, lover boy….)

 

What? Sorry. That led to a deeper conversation in which I was asked what I find sexy.

 

(Boobs!)

 

I WASN'T ASKING YOU!

 

(*heh heh* Well, I am your subconscious manifestation of your reader's reactions, and let's face it, your readers know you pretty well.)

 

Ok fine. I may or may not possibly perhaps like brea… dammit I said I like Hayley Atwell because she's not a waif, isn't that enough???  

 

(*gigglesnort* That was too easy.)

 

Moving on… Putting that little aside aside, many of you will remember that I also had a thing for Grace Park of Hawaii 5-O and Battlestar Galactica fame, and she does fall into the stick thin waif category. So, it would seem, I'm not just all about that base.

 

(…'bout that base, no treble… Oh you sonofabitch.)

 

That's what you get. Have fun singing that all day. The point is, I can't say for certain what I think makes a woman sexy. There are far too many factors that affect my determination of sexiness. Sure, in some instances, body shape may be a factor, but a singular factor. There is so much more to a woman's inherent sex appeal than just her dress size. Sadly, pathetically, really, too many men fail to embrace this concept. Of course, I'd venture a guess that most of those men have delusions of grandeur when it comes to their own sexual desirability or prowess and would be lucky to have a woman they deem attractive give them the time of day.

 

(Ok, so, if it's not a woman's size that determines whether or not you find her sexy, what is it then?)

 

Like I said, far too many factors go into determining whether or not I find a woman sexy. It can be one thing, or it can be any combination of things, but rest assured: generally size doesn't matter. That being said, here are a few characteristics that I do find attractive. Some of them, admittedly, are direct, physical characteristics. I'm only human, after all…. In no particular order:

 

1. Eyes. A woman's eyes can be alluring, playful, dark, mysterious, mischievous, sultry…. The list goes on.  The eyes are always the first thing I notice. A woman's eyes can speak volumes, if she lets them, and if you listen.

 

II. A Hint of Cleavage.

 

(Annnnnnnd there are the boobs.)

 

No. Well, yes, but no. I'm not talking about boobs hanging out all over the place, I'm talking about the hint of them. Just enough to entice but no so much that the blouse screams "hey, lookit these!!!" Too many woman fail to realize that they can be both demure and sexy. The woman who understands that balance will lure my attention far more than the one displaying her wares like they're the blue-light special at the Walmart.

 

Three.  A Sense of Humor. I have known some stunningly, physically beautiful woman. And then they opened their mouths to reveal such an utter lack of humor that I was immediately turned off. Life is too short to take things so damn seriously. Granted, I am one sarcastic sonofanutcracker and could probably stand to tone down my sarcasm and cynicism here and there, but good grief. If you can't laugh, or laugh at yourself in particular, then you're an ugly person through and through. Smile. Laugh. Live.

 

D. Lips. On this subject – whoever convinced women that making that stupid duck face with pursed lips should be beaten with his/her own shoe. Ladies, your lips are powerful. They can make a man weak in the knees. They can make a man dream. But when you make that stupid face they make you look moronic. Sexy is a quickly raised eyebrow followed by an equally quick kiss gesture. Sexy is narrowing your eyes and sticking the tip of your tongue out of the corner of your lips. Sexy is not pretending to be waterfowl.

 

(I'm with you on that one. And what the hell is up with the numbering???)

 

And with that all of my friends with OCD just collectively twitched.

 

5. Confidence. Too few woman have it, too few show it. Ladies, we're men. Do you realize the power you have over us? A wink, nod and a "come hither" grin and we're putty in your hands. I question a man who doesn't find a confident woman attractive. Those men are generally narcissistic, misogynistic douchebags who want to control a woman or force her into submission, sexually or otherwise. Be brave. Make the first move. Show him you don't necessarily need him… but make him think you want him, darling, you'll have him.

 

vi. Wear His Clothes. Seriously. There are few things I find sexier than the woman I'm with wearing an article of my clothing. Make it one of my hockey jerseys, sweaters or button-downs and nothing else… *swoon*

 

Most importantly, however….

 

7. Just. Be. Yourself. Somewhere someone, probably a man and a misguided one at that, managed to muck up society by creating a "standard" against which women measure themselves. Throw the measuring stick away. Look at Giselle what's-her-face. She fits the "beauty standard." She's also married to a cheating tool who wears ladies footwear.

 

(Um, are you referring to –)

 

Yes, yes I am. And fine, they haven't yet proven that he cheats, but he wears Uggs. I mean, come on. In any event, the point is that a woman shouldn't have to aspire to some generic, subjective standard. You, with the tattoos, you're sexy. And so are you, the girl who thinks she's overweight but in actuality has curves in all the right places. You with the cigarette? Not so much. Stop that.

 

But you get my point, right? You don't have to be anything other than whom and what you are. And actually, you with the tattoos…. *yum*

 

(*AHEM*)

 

Wut? Just sayin'. And granted this is just the ramblings of one man's humble opinions. The Sexy List is an exhaustive one. There are a great many womanly attributes that other men and women will find sexy, and therein lies the beautiful thing: Sexiness is not absolute. It can't be defined, and it can't be contained. So go out there and find your sexy. You have it. Flaunt it. In whatever form it takes.

 

And if that form just happens to be Hayley Atwell, well, my divorce was recently finalized, and I'd readily respond if you were to, say, reply to the tweeting of this post….

 

(*smacking head*)

 

I know. I get that a lot.

 

 

© 2015 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.