My BFF (Black Friday Fun)

All I want for Christmas is a kiss from Rachel McAdams and a return to common, societal courtesy.

(Rachel McAdams? Okay….)

My point in illustrating the point I'd like to point out is that in picking these two things I am endeavoring to wish for things that are unattainable and thus pointless desires. 

(Point… taken? Dude, it is way too early for this after a long Holiday weekend.)

Okay, okay, I'll break it down – I have about as much luck in getting a kiss from Rachel McAdams as I do in having society return to a state of affairs in which we treat other human beings with courtesy and respect on a daily basis not because we have to, but because we should.

(Ahhhh. Alright, I get it now.)

Nothing brings out the general douchebaggery and nitwittery in people like Black Friday shopping, or, as the case may now be, pre-Black Friday Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving evening. This year I decided to take part in the shennanigannery and --)

(Sorry to interrupt, but that's a whole lot of made up wordery, right there.)

It is. And I like what you did there. Seems I'm starting to rub off on you.

(I… dammit.)

As I was saying, I decided to take part and conduct a little social experiment; wherever I went and whatever line in which I stood, I generally acted cheerfully and politely and encouraged others to do the same, just to see people's reactions.

(I bet that went over like a fart in church….)

Thanks for the colorful analogy… but you're about right. Here's what happened:

1.         The Sneeze. I use the term in the collective to describe what occurred when people, or I sneezed while in public. Common courtesy dictates that if someone near you sneezes, you say "bless you." Granted it is an archaic practice, but it's a simple, polite gesture that says "hey, I'm standing near you, and I understand your discomfort, so bless you, and I hope it doesn't happen again!" Several times while waiting in various lines there was someone that inevitably sneezed. Each time I said "bless you." Here's the funny thing – by and large, if it was a man that sneezed, he said thank you. The women? Not so much. Which leads me to a whole other rant, of which I'll spare you now, about how women are constantly complaining that they can't find a "good guy" yet they can't exhibit common courtesy and reply with a thank you when someone says bless you, but I digress…. The curtest thing, though, was a little girl, who couldn't have been more than five or six years old, that sneezed in front of me. I said bless you, and she turned to me and said in her tiny, little, cold-encumbered, Cindy Loo-Who voice "tank you berry much. I hab a code in my nose."

(Awwwwwww….)

That is precisely what I thought. I wished in that moment I had a tissue to offer her, but her mom was thankfully quick on the draw. The innocence of youth…. *sigh* One the couple of occasions I happened to sneeze, only one person, and elderly woman, said "bless you." Of course I thanked her. But, as you know, courtesy does has its limits - if you start a sneezing fit, you get a maximum of three bless-you's. After that, get that sh*t under control! 

2.         The Door. I am a firm believer that chivalry is not dead and that, when the opportunity presents itself, a man should hold open a door for a woman, the elderly, and pretty much anyone in general. It's polite, and it's not going to hurt you, really. Most of the time I've found people do appreciate the gesture. Other times, well, let's just say there were a few times I found myself saying, quite loudly, "you're welcome" after someone passed through my door opening without saying thank you. Yeah, I know that's a little obnoxious, but perhaps if my shaming these people in even the slightest will cause them to say thank you next time, well then I've done my part to foster common courtesy. I did get a couple of angry looks, especially from one woman who was yapping on her cell phone the whole time. Sorry to interrupt your call with my courtesy, ma'am.

(People are so rude.)

Normally I would agree with you, but I think it's less a matter of rudeness than it is common courtesy having simply been scrubbed from their lives. Call it a lack of parenting, or societal influence, or whatever you'd like to call it, but I just think people have simply forgotten what it means to be polite. Which leads me to my next example….

3.         The Line.  Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year. It's been that way since the Pilgrims tried to beat the holiday shopping rush and went to the Indian villages to trade for beads and tobacco after they crashed the Mayflower on Thanksgiving Day and ate turkey with Pocahontas.

(Ummm, I think you mixed up your history, and probably offended a whole lotta people, just then.)

Yeah, yeah…. Again, the bigger point: Busiest. Shopping. Day. Of. The. Year. You know this. I know this. Great Aunt Edna knows this. Everyone knows this. So, if you know it's going to be busy, and you don't want to stand in long lines, don't go out. I wish to say this specifically to the woman behind me in line on Friday, who incessantly complained about the length of the line and the extraordinary amount of time it took to get up to the register. The ughs and guffaws and sighs coming out of this woman were incredible. "You'd think they'd be able to do something about this, like put in more registers or something." Finally I turned to her and said "ma'am, with all due respect, it's the busiest shopping day of the year. What did you expect?"

(Oh boy….)

*snicker* yeah…. I got an earful back about how she'd been up since four o'clock a.m. and needed to buy this and that and blah blah blah wah wah wah wah…. All I could hear was the garbled "adult-speak" from the Peanuts. When she was done, I looked at her, blinked twice, shook my head and turned back around. The young couple in front of me smiled and thanked me for having the brass to say something. "Seriously? If she doesn't want to be here, shop online and stay home or quit bitching," the young man said. I engaged in a pleasant conversation with that young couple the entire rest of the way to the register and we exchanged pleasantries when we parted ways. Sadly, those polite people were the exception to the norm. 

4.         The Vehicular Asshattery.  Oh, that was bountiful and I experienced it in all its inglorious forms, from: failing to let me into a line of traffic; forcing their way into the line of traffic in front of me without so much as the customary driver thank you wave; stealing parking spaces; blocking sidewalks; nearly hitting pedestrians; and, of course, intersection blocking. One instance involved a person driving a Hummer [further proving the truth that Hummer drivers are douchebags of the highest order] nearly hitting an entire family in a crosswalk in front of Target. This d*ckwad actually had the nerve to yell at the family for, what was it they were doing, oh yeah exercising their legal right of way to USE THE CROSSWALK. Best part? There was a cop directing traffic who heard the exchange and walked over to the Hummer and told the guy that if he had a problem, he was welcome to cool off in the back of his patrol car. 

(OMG that's awesome!)

It was pretty frickin' funny. After d*ckwad half-heartedly apologized and drove off, I walked through the cross walk and asked the cop how he was managing to keep cool. His response? "Coffee and Xanax, mostly."

(Best. Answer. Ever.)

I thought so too. Which brings us to….

6.         The Authorities. Black Friday sucks. As you can see, people are rude and waddle their way through the day with a sense of self entitlement, ignoring all others in their paths so they can get that great big bargain. Pretty much everywhere you went there was a sizeable police presence, and rightfully so. Over the years, people have stolen, people have stampeded, people have gotten trampled, and people have died. These people, the ones with the badges, they're there to protect us and ensure those things don't happen. So to you, little douchebag in training, with your pants hanging down and your flat-brimmed baseball hat with the tags still on it, that commented "f*ckin' cops" as you walked by a uniformed officer outside of the Walmart, I say this to you: Shut. The. F*ck. Up. If you don't want a police officer staring at you as you leave the store, maybe you should take the tags off your hat so he doesn’t have to question in his mind whether you stole it. And pull your pants up, assh*le. 

(Excellent points, all, but you forgot number five.)

Fiiiiiiive…. golden rings…..

(Four calling birds, three French hen… oh eat hot death, you sonofabitch. Twelve Days of Christmas? Seriously???)

*gigglesnort* Sorry, even I will admit that was kind of mean. Once that's in your head there's no going back.

(grrrr)

It could be worse. All I have to say is WHAM.

(*reluctantly* fine… two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree….)

That's the spirit. And for the record, if Rachel McAdams is out there and reads this, I'm sure I've got some mistletoe lying around somewhere. 

© 2014 J.J. Goodman. All rights reserved.