The Great Cheeto-Weenie Experiment

When last we met we discussed the finer points of innuendo and inappropriateness, which are two of my favorite "in" words by the way. [Yes, I have favorite "in" words. I know, inconceivable, right? And that word – it does mean what I think it means.] In illustrating the beneficial health effects of inappropriateness, I gave you the example of the Cheeto-phallus. Well, due to an extraordinary work load and the constantly shuffling of papers on my desk, I discovered this morning that Cheeto-phallus is still on my desk. In the exact same condition as it existed when first placed there. Three weeks ago today.

(EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!)

I have to admit, I was with you on that sentiment… at first. But then something happened. Something magical. Something wonderful.

(Oh sweet bejeebus where is this going?)

Ok fine. Nothing happened. But that's just it! Nothing. Happened. At all.

Drawing, as I typically do, on the quintessential "if it's on the internets it must be true" database of all that is truthiness, otherwise known as Wikipedia.org, I discovered the following, mind-blowing "facts" about Cheetos:

1.         Cheetos were created in 1948 by a guy named Charles Elmer Doolin. *snicker*

B.        The success of Cheetos led to the merger of the Frito-Lay Corporation in 1961.

3.         Cheetos are made by blending corn and water and then pressure heating the mixture and extruding it through…

(*GACK* you said extruding)

Yeah, that's about where I stopped reading, too. But let's back up for a second. Corn and water. Now, I'm no agriculturalologist or anything, but I'm pretty sure that after three weeks, sitting on a desk, a mixture of corn and water shouldn't look like this:

Thus we bring this post to its point.

(These things have points?)

Shut it you. *ahem* As I was saying, here's the point: Obviously there is a lot more to Cheeto-Weenie [that sounds funnier than Cheeto-phallus, doesn't it?] than a simple, heat pressurized extrusion of corn and water. Honestly, I don't want to know what's in that thing.

(That's what she said.)

STOP THAT! What I do want to know, however, is how long this thing will last.

(Did you give it Viagra? Because if it lasts more than four hours….)

*gives parenthetical heckler the evil eye*

(*gigglesnort*)

ANYWAY…. Today we begin The Great Cheeto-Weenie Experiment of 2013. From time to time I will post updated photos of Cheeto-Weenie to mark his progression through time, analyzing each photo for signs of degradation, or other physical alteration. Thus far, three weeks to the day, there has been no sign of aging. None. Whatsoever. Initial analysis suggests that Cheeto-Weenie may be immortal. Or maybe one of the X-Men. We will continue to monitor its progress, but for now, rest assured, Cheeto-Weenie lives!!!

(I can't believe I just read that… nor can I believe that I not only care, but will likely, at some point in the future, anxiously await a Cheeto-Weenie update.)

Behold, the power of Cheeto-Weenie.

© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.