Applesauce, That's Why.

[Editor’s Note: The part of, well, you, the reader, will be played by parenthetical quotations in today’s story.]

(“What the hell are you talking about?”)

Just go with it. Shush.   

(“Ok….”)

Are you ready now? Good. The answer is applesauce.

(“What?”)

The answer is “applesauce.”

(“You took an Ambien by accident this morning, didn’t you?”)

No, no I did not. I was simply thinking. Ok, not so much thinking as I have had too much coffee and I think caffeine is systematically replacing multiple cells within my body and I can’t focus and oh look Grumpy Cat said something sardonically witty and… applesauce.

(“You’ve lost your mind.”)

This, I know. Frankly I lost that a long time ago. That, multiple pairs of sunglasses, my library card, the little hook thingy for my Bluetooth headset that goes behind your ear, and more pens than I can remember. Actually, I like those gel grip pens, and I don’t think I lose them so much as someone keeps stealing them from my desk. If I find out who keeps doing it, I swear to sweet bejeebus I will steal something from their desk and encase it in Jello, like in the first season of The Office, when it was still funny. And I can assure you it will be some nasty flavor, like pineapple. Yes, I may appear a little “off” sometimes. There is a method to my madness, though. I call it “controlled chaos.” And the answer to what makes me tick, and occasionally tock, twitch, and tweak out is, of course, applesauce.

(“You’re kind of starting to scare me.”)

I know that, too. That’s half the fun sometimes. *snicker*

My point is that there are so many questions in life to which there simply is no rational, logical answer, so why not answer applesauce? It makes as much since as any response you could give to those unanswerable questions, and it’s tasty. Especially heated up with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Why did she do that? Why did he say that? Why is Darcy Regier still employed as General Manager of the Buffalo Sabres? How come the index finger of your right hand is always longer than the index finger of your left hand?

*pause*

Made ya look. *gigglesnort*

Three are just some things in life that have no explanation. A person’s behavior. Why feeling sunshine on your face makes you smile, every time. Why Keanu Reeves has an acting career. Why in the name of all that is holy Jeep sacrilegiously calls its new vehicle a Chero… No. I refuse. I can’t even say it. I won’t. Curses to you Jeep. Box. Shame. Now.

So, when faced with those questions to which there simply are no answers, the reply is, was, and always will be “applesauce.” If nothing else, it makes you think about something other than the subject of the question. It deflects your mind away from that which you simply cannot contemplate, and towards something easily understood and loved by all. Seriously, who doesn’t love applesauce? It’s sweet, tangy, good for you, and easy to eat. If you don’t like applesauce, you probably work for the Jeep design team.

(“Get over it already!”)

No. I will not. Besides, it’s kind of fun imagining what your reactions are to my ramblings. I have $10 and a box of donuts that say I’m spot on. Anyway…. There are a lot of things out there that we will never truly understand no matter how hard we try. So…. Stop trying. Why torture yourself trying to understand that which cannot be understood? Like why, if Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, can Goofy speak and Pluto cannot? Why don’t dogs sweat? Why do men have nipples?

*pausing again while a good number of you giggle at the fact that I said “nipples.”*

Does it really matter who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Do you really need to know if that dress makes your butt look big? (MEN: NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER, ANSWER THAT QUESTION. Trust me. There is no correct answer. In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a trap!!!”) And why, dear God why, if Dorothy could simply click her heels together and say “there’s no place like home” and GO HOME, did the good witch not simply tell her that at the beginning of the movie and spare us from having to watch those creepy flying monkeys???

("Dude, seriously, how much caffeine did you really have this morning???”)

Don’t sweat it. Some things aren’t worth it. Just… applesauce.

There now – don’t you feel better already?

 (“Applesauce.”)

Now you’ve got it.


© J.J. Goodman 2013. All rights reserved.