Nitwittery, Asshattery, and General Douchebaggery
Ah, the holiday season brings out the best in us…. Well, it brings out the best in some of us. For most people though, the holiday season becomes a time to showcase their innate stupidity. By and large, I’ve found that holiday lunacy falls into one of three general categories. (I’ll give you a hint: the categories comprise the title of this blog entry. Up there.) (No, not that high… a little lower… yeah, there.) Those categories, in increasing order of decreasing awareness and courtesy, are:
I. Nitwittery. Nitwittery is exhibited by the clueless, inept and otherwise unaware. The perpetrators of this offense usually take the form of the beleaguered dad/husband/boyfriend, carrying a multitudinous array of shopping bags and wandering aimlessly through the mall, trudging after his wife/girlfriend, and exhibiting the decreased mental capacity of a zombie on Zoloft. Completely unaware of his surroundings, his nitwittery will include: turning abruptly and whacking small children in the head with the Macy’s bag; walking in between the photographer and “Santa” as she tries desperately to get little Johnny to stop screaming long enough to take a picture that will, someday, find itself on a website entitled “christmasphotofail.com”; tripping over an old lady’s walker as he stares at a gaggle of girls that are dressed way too provocatively for their age; and almost driving home with the smallest child in the trunk of the minivan and the car seat tied to the roof. Yes, Nitwittery generally entails an unintentional effect resulting from an unintentional act. They can’t help it. It just happens. When it does, you simply shake your head, commiserate (because who among us hasn’t done at least one of these things), and keep walking… only to walk into the middle of an entire family because you were distracted by the Hickory Farms kiosk. Mmmmm. Processed meat and cheese….
II. Asshattery. *snicker* Come on, admit it, you can’t read the word “asshat” without both saying it out loud and giggling. It is THAT great of a word. Asshattery is the next level up of the behavioral downward spiral. This often tends to result in the unintentional result of an intentional act that is not intended to create the unintentional result though it should have been foreseen that the intentional act could lead to unintentional results. Got that? Good, there will be a quiz later. Imagine this scenario:
“Ok, so I was all I can’t believe you’re getting that for [insert popular boy’s name], and she was all like…”
HONK!!!!!! (swerve)
The scene you just witnessed was young Britney, illegally talking on her cell phone (which, incidentally, is enveloped in a bedazzled hard case adorned with the image of whatever Japanese anime cat/dog/creature is all the rage) and accidentally swerving into the other lane on the highway. The proper response to this is, of course, to turn down the radio and yell out loud “get off the phone and drive, asshat!” (And then, also of course, giggle.) Now that I think about it, a lot of asshattery occurs in vehicle. It runs rampant in parking lots, especially this time of year. Like pulling forward to try and get that parking space you saw three aisles up, blocking the crosswalk in the process, causing the small child, who is currently throwing a tantrum because its parent wouldn’t buy it a transformer two weeks before Christmas, to walk smack into your passenger side door, fall down, and cry even more. This then draws the ire of the parent who, instead of taking responsibility for leading their offspring through a busy parking lot, begins to scream obscenities at you that can be heard all the way at the North Pole. (which you do not hear, however, because you are so focused on getting that parking spot and ignoring everything else around you.) Asshat.
Oh, and the parent with the screaming child? Asshat. Why, in the name of all that is holy, are you dragging your child through Target, let alone going anywhere near the toy section, two weeks before Christmas? *sigh* Amateur.
And lastly…
III. General Douchebaggery. Defined simply, general douchebaggery occurs when one just doesn’t give a f*ck and does douchebaggy things on purpose. Remember the asshat (*snicker*) trying to get the parking spot? Well, he had to make a left turn into the parking spot. As he waited, with his blinker on, even, to turn left, the nitwit previously occupying the spot backs out and drives towards him instead of towards the exit… while the douchebag on the other side of the spot, clearly seeing the asshat waiting with his blinker on, nevertheless whips his car into the parking spot regardless, causing the asshat to curse both the nitwit and the douchebag while not noticing the parking spot that just opened up behind him, instead driving around for the next ten minutes looking for a spot that ends up being further away.
Another fine example of general douchebaggery, and one that I actually witnessed, occurred recently at a retailer whose name shall not be named and remain nameless (but rhymes with "ball fart"). A woman procured the last $19.99 DVD player on the shelf, placed it in her cart, and then turned and walked away (nitwit) from the cart to go look for something else. The douchebag that arrived a few seconds to late, taking note of the empty shelf, and the fact that the nitwit had her back turned, reached into her cart, nabbed the DVD player, and causally strolled into the nearest aisle and out of sight. I actually overheard another guy say, out loud, “wow, what a f*cking douchebag.” Perhaps I would have been inclined to intervene but for the fact that the nitwit was wearing a fur coat and a diamond ring the size of Rhode Island
Yes, ‘tis the season to be jolly. But ‘tis also the season to abandon all sensibility, intentionally or otherwise. Try to be mindful, people. Just, try. Believe me, you do NOT want me to get into a discussion on f*cknuttery.
POP QUIZ: what happens when you have the unintentional result of an intentional act that is not intended to create the unintentional result though it should have been foreseen that the intentional act could lead to unintentional results? (See? I told you there would be a quiz later.) Now, I suggest you sit down on that bench right there. Why? Because while you were walking, trying to read this on your phone in the middle of the mall, while simultaneously attempting to eat a pretzel and carry the Victoria’s Secret bag your wife handed you as she said “you’re giving this to me for Christmas,” you knocked over the Salvation Army collection bucket, knocked over a kid eating ice cream, and lost your own kid at the remote control helicopter kiosk. Nitwit.
© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.