"Does Listening to Kelly Clarkson Make Me Gay?" and Other Stupid Questions
Whoever said “there are no stupid questions” has clearly never been asked a stupid question. Either that, or such person doesn’t have the World Widened Interweb and never saw Jessica Simpson inquire as to whether “Chicken of the Sea” was really chicken, or tuna. In either event, the simple truth is that yes, yes there are stupid questions, and lots of them.
Stupid questions date back the age of dinosaurs. Really, they do. It was a brontosaur, I believe, that excitedly asked “Who wants to go watch the comet?” Maybe it was a stegosaurus. In any event, they gathered their dinosaur friends, some blankets and picnic baskets, and went down to the valley where they were promptly, cosmically cremated. And don’t get me started on Cro-Magnon Men, whose exchange went something like this:
Grol: “Slurg, argh grah groh dor grr hawrg tuskie wuskie?” (“Slurg, which end of spear I put in Mastodon?”)
Slurg: *THUMP* (Sound of Slurg hitting Grol over the head with a club.)
Yes, Virginia, there are stupid questions. Like this gem I overheard a teen boy ask recently: “Does listening to Kelly Clarkson make me gay?” Credit goes to his friend, who replied without missing a beat, “no, but asking that question makes you a moron.” Right you are, sir. Now pull your pants up, because wearing them around your thighs like that makes YOU a moron.
Some of my other favorites:
- “Does this taste/smell bad to you?” If you tasted/smelled it, and you think it tasted/smelled bad, do you really need a second opinion? Get that milk carton full of cheese curds away from me!
- Bank tellers that ask “how can I help you?” Ummm, I’d like a pastrami on
- “Did the Bills win yesterday?” (I don’t really need to explain this one, do I?)
- “How old are you?” (When asked of a woman. Seriously man, why don’t you just walk up to her and say “Never have sex with me.” You’ll get the same result.)
- On the flip side… “Does this make my butt look big?” Ladies, please. There is NO correct answer to that question. If the man replies “yes,” you’ll get angry and accuse him of calling you fat. If he replies “no,” and it does in fact make you look fat, and then, God forbid, you go out in public and pass a mirror and realize you look fat…. Just. Don’t. Ask.
- “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” If you have to ask the question, the answer is more than likely “no,” and you should probably just stand back and cover your sensitive parts, because something is about to spark/smoke/catch on fire and/or explode.
- “Mom, where is my [insert ‘item child cannot locate but which is otherwise easily found if said child moves the pile of dirty clothes’ here]?” Nine out of ten times you’re going to find it before mom hits the top of the stairs anyway, and you know you’re in for a world of hurt if she makes to the top.
- “Do you think O.J. really did it?” (See response to question about the Bills winning, above.)
- Any question that begins “if one train is travelling west at 50 mph….”
- “Do I need to use French bread to make French toast?” *sigh* Just…go away.
- And lastly, “what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Everyone knows you can’t answer that question without knowing whether the swallow is African or European. Duh.
So there you have it – Yes, there are stupid questions. Lots of them. Boat loads of them. Sneaking around corners. Ready to leap from the lips of blondes at any moment. (Oh don’t act so indignant: you knew that was coming at some point….) I would write a blog entry about stupid answers to smart questions, but I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin and Britney Spears have already had their respective fifteen minutes of fame.
Oh yeah, one more stupid question you’re probably asking yourself right now: “Where does he come up with this stuff?” That, my friends, is a question to which I’m certain there will never be an answer.
© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.
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