Rules of the Road (Something on the Lighter Side...)

I drive. I drive a lot. Not as much as some of you, but more than most. I usually log one hundred and fifty miles a day, five days a week, and then some. I have been doing this for a couple of years now and, over that time, I have devised the following Rules of the Road. They are simple and easy to follow. Print them and tape them to your dashboard. But don't read them while driving. Lawyers put up billboards telling you that they sue distracted drivers. And they will. Their number is on the billboard, if you want to call them. That big billboard. That you're reading. While driving. Yeah.

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1.         If you tailgate me while I am in the left lane and passing other cars, I will engage my windshield washers and disengage my cruise control. Aw, did your shiny black Mercedes get water spots? Too bad, so sad.

2.         Simply turning on your directional signal does not automatically entitle you to pull into my lane. A Mini Cooper won’t even fit in that space, nitwit, so your Bonneville certainly won’t.

3.         If you’re on your cell phone and swerve into my lane, do not give me a dirty look when I honk at you. If you don’t want your call interrupted by the sound of my horn, you should either get a Bluetooth or, better yet, get off the phone and drive.

4.         The number of “awareness” stickers one has on one’s car is inversely proportionate to one’s actual roadway awareness. I’m glad you want to free Tibet, support breast cancer research, buy from local farmers and adopt rescue animals, but those dotted white lines on the highway aren’t just there for decoration. To paraphrase Arlo Guthrie, that lane is YOUR lane, this lane is MY lane….

5.         Rumble strips are your friends. (Trust me on this one.)

6.         If you get bored, you can find great pleasure in hitting the breaks when you pass a known state trooper hiding spot, even though there’s no trooper there, and then watching everyone behind you panic and do the same.

7.         If you can’t see the mirrors on a big rig in front of you, then the driver can’t see you… drafting him and getting better gas mileage.

8.         Don’t get angry if other cars crowd around you when your passengers are watching porn on the DVD player. (Sadly, I have actually witnessed this in my travels.)

9.         No. Feet. On. The. Dashboard. Or. Out. The. Window. EVER. This infraction shall be punishable by public flogging with your own Birkenstocks, hippie.

10.       If you poke along at ten or more miles per hour under the speed limit, and then gun it through a yellow light and leave me stuck at the red, I WILL find the nearest gypsy and have them curse you.

11.       See Number 5 above. Seriously.

12.       If you’re a Parrot Head and you hear/play “Fins” while driving, it shall be mandatory to do “Fins to the left, Fins to the right” out the sunroof. If you don’t have a sunroof, then you must do it out the window.

13.       If you are a man and have a personalized license plate that says something like “4EVRCOOL” or “KACHUL8R.” (in the immortal words of Dave Barry, I swear I am not making that last one up), you will be required to turn in your man-card at the next toll booth.

14.       If you drive a Pontiac Aztek, Smart Car, or Hummer, you will be mocked. You will be mocked incessantly, until you are out of view. That’s just the way it is.

And lastly:

15.       Whatever you do, do not eat the granola bar in the glove compartment. I don’t remember how old it is or when it was put there, but it’s like an old traveling companion now. Some people have a Rosary; some people put a shiny penny under their seat… Just you never mind the granola bar.

© J.J. Goodman 2012. All rights reserved.